I know what will happen if i use, and i know what has happend when i did use, and things have gotten pretty bad, but i feel like at my lowest point, i'm 1 step above my bottum, if i went out and decided to forget recovery and started using again then i know it would be my bottum, no job, no money, not in school, and i wouldn't have a place to live if i started using again. But i have this voice in the back of my head that says your not going to quit until you hit your bottum, sometimes i feel like i don't take my recovery seriously enough, like maybe i'm still in denial about being an addict, well not fully, i know i'm an addict, but maybe i feel like i haven't hit that lowest hardest point of addiction because i've always had people to catch me right before the bottum, even though it's been really close in the past, is knowing what will happen when you use enough to quit, or do you actually have to experience your the bottum of the bottum to really get clean, i just wanted to see what you guys thought about this, because this is something i think about a lot and it's hurting my recovery, or could it also be caused by the fact i haven't been clean very long?
There is always going to be a lower bottom to hit. It's really just a matter of deciding that you've had enough and becoming willing to stay clean no matter what.
I was originally introduced to recovery through the court system. Believe me, I had no intention of getting clean and staying clean! However, when I learned a little bit about recovery I thought it might be for me. I wasn't sure, though, but I decided that I would give it a try. I took the suggestions and didn't use even when I wanted to.
I learned not to listen to those little voices in the back of my head. I chose to listen to the voices in recovery instead: in meetings and in the literature. I believed it when people said that if I stayed clean my life would be beyond my wildest dreams. I believed it when they said it would get better.
I have to say, though, that for me it got worse before it got better. I was very damaged and very scared. My emotions were overwhelming. There was much that I felt horribly guilty about. Through that I learned that my feelings do not control my decisions. Even though I felt bad, I still listened to the voices of recovery. I still believed that it would get better for me, too.
Today, my life is so far beyond what I could ever have imagined for myself. I am incredibly grateful that I gave recovery a chance and didn't listen to my diseased thinking.
Everyone's bottom is different. For me, before i cleaned up this time I wasn't at the lowest point I had been in the past. 7 or 8 years ago i used to be hooked on heroin and living in a warehouse at one point, literally on the street. Then I got on methadone and picked myself up a little bit but kept using during that time, pills and booze and coke, not everyday but only about once or twice a week. I kept rationalizing to myself well at least I'm not living on the streets doing heroin anymore, and that rationalization let me just keep going, miserable and barely keeping my head above water, all those years of my life gone with nothing to show for it but scars.
then it became more than just the weekends, three or four times a week, and when i finally got off the methadone I went full blown out and it got just as bad as the other drug had been, using on binges that lasted 3 or 4 days and not even knowing what day it was. But i still wasn't living in a warehouse living on the street. I just realized I would be soon if i kept going down that road. For some reason it just became crystal clear to me that i would be dead or on the street or in jail and I didn't want to live like that anymore. My life was just passing me by and I didn't want to live that way anymore. So I cleaned up at a point when my 'bottom' wasn't as bad as it COULD have been, but i know theres only one direction my using will take me - straight down. And it may not happen overnight, it may be years of just wasted living gradually going downhill, with absolutely nothing to show for my life until maybe i wake up one day and realize that my life has passed me by and i gave up any chance to live it.
Sometimes not hitting a clear cut 'bottom' is even worse because you just go on and on, miserable, but just barely keeping your head up, the years of your life passing you by and never knowing any happiness or joy in life except for that next fix. I'm glad I finally woke up and didn't have to be out on the streets again to give myself a chance to really live.
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Thank you both, your comments have helped me a lot, i think the fact i haven't gone to a meeting in like over a week could be contributing to this negative thinking i've been having
Scott have you read the NA book yet? look at the chapter on Who is an addict ( second to last page) it describes pretty much in theory where most of us are at in the end,it describes where some end up who dont get recovery also.
This whole affair is a process, theres a process getting here and theres a process if your going to stay. That process is similiar for a lot of us and why we belong together.
You are asking the questions and thats good I asked them too way back.
A friend of mine got clean and I could not understand HOW he was getting it but i couldn't, so I asked the question. He just kinda looked at me sorta baffled look on his face too and said When it gets bad enough and you get tired enough you'll stop and do whats necessary. Well he relapsed after that i was baffled again he had SOMETHING but something else dragged him back out, but he did get back and has since stayed clean now 5-6 years.
There are a lot of cliques out there " you get it when you get it" thats the one I go with, kinda like my hobbie of prospecting for gold they say " Gold is where you find it" piss's me off everytime i hear that LOL cause i'm haviing a hard time finding it though I know it's out there its the effort I put foreward that i give myself the most credit for and NOT GIVING UP.....
Incase you dont get around to reading that chapter and page it says " WE had to reach our bottom before we were willing to stop. We were finally motivated to seek help in the latter stage of out addiction. Then it was easier for us to see the destruction, disaster and delusion of our using. It was harder to deny our addiction whne problems were staring us in the face".
Theres more to read though, now that you've set down the school books pick up the most improtant book you will ever read in your lifetime, NA book.
I know my true bottom is graveyard dead. When I came in, I had some desperation. I think it was just barely enough to get me to the point where the flame of hope ignited. Try doing 90 in 90, getting a sponsor and following all of his suggestions. If it doesn't work out, the dope is always waiting for you.
