Why is it that everything will be going along fine and all of a sudden I just have this overwhelming desire to get high?
Seems every six months or so I will relapse and then I will feel like absolute crap and will get rid of the rest of whatever it is (pills the past couple of years) and then say to myself they didn't even make me feel good, but I forget how crappy I felt and want it all over again? what is wrong w/ me? Usually my relapse is a one time episode or one day.....then I suffer for a few days.....
Ever since I moved out here to the middle of nowhere I just have no accountability. In San Diego where I was previously from I could always find a meeting w/ childcare even!
Find the holes in your program and plug them. You can do it.
Do you have a sponsor? Do you attend meetings regularly. Are you working the steps? Are you talking to other addicts? Are you helping others or doing service work?
One of the most difficult times of my recovery was after moving from a place where I felt super connected to a very rural location where I was isolated and lonely. What got me through was talking to my sponsor and sponsees, reading literature, getting to meetings when I could, and totally believing what I had heard in meetings:
I totally relate. Last night as I was getting ready for my f2f meeting all of a sudden i wanted to use. I didn't do it and i made it to the meeting but it shook me because friday i was having thoughts of using too and I haven't really had thoughts of using since the first week i was clean so I was like what am i doing wrong? I have 49 days clean and I guess I'm just stressed out because I'm looking for work, and thats scary because I haven't worked in so long. And then my boyfriend is starting to resent meetings again because by the time he gets off work I'm getting ready to go to a meeting and we just don't get to spend allot of quality time together. I didn't go to a meeting friday so that me and him could go out to eat and rent some movies but then i was having fleeting thoughts of using. I just thought man it would feel good to go get F*cked up and not have to deal with all this crap.
I talked about it in the meeting last night and I was like why, after everything thats happened to me, after all the craziness, would i want to use again. Because any problems that I think I have now would be compounded 500% by using. In fact, when I think about it its laughable the things I'm stressing over today, because back when i was using I would have LOVED to have the problems I have now instead of the problems I had back then.
I have been going to meetings, I have been praying and I had been keeping in touch with my sponsor and working the steps to the best of my ability and yet still here comes this fleeting thought of using. But if I wasn't doing those things then it would have been a hell of allot stronger than just a fleeting thought. Compared to the urges and impulses I was powerless over before, a fleeting thought is something I have tools to deal with, and I don't have to act on it.
Someone told me after the meeting the reason I get thoughts of using is because I'M AN ADDICT. We have a sickness and this is one of the ways in which it manifests itself. But as long as we reach for the phone or get to a meeting before we pick up then we can combat it and not throw away all we've worked for and ruin our lives all over again
I guess I was naive and I thought that cleaning up was going to make everything sunshine and butterflies and that I would get a job and be a wonderful person and never want to use again and its not working out like that lol. All we can do is use the tools available to us to combat the urge to use when it does come, until it passes. And it does pass, it passed rather quickly after i talked about it. and I'm so thankful this morning that I'm clean and that i didn't act on it. My God am I grateful.
-- Edited by Keli at 09:35, 2007-09-11
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
This is perhaps one of the most important things we need to learn in NA; that we don't pick up!! We don't use if we don't pick up that first drug, no matter what the drug may be.
Keli I love what that "someone" told you because therein lies the problem. WE are addicts! What do addicts do? We use.
Sheila said:
Why is it that everything will be going along fine and all of a sudden I just have this overwhelming desire to get high? I think one reason, and this is just my experience strength and hope with a bit of opinion :) is that we are used to "celebrating" our achievements by using, thinking it will make us feel good when it really doesn't.
Our disease is incideous; it will do anything to put those thoughts in our heads that using is ok when it isn't. That's where STOP comes into play. Stop, take a step back, and think about what's happening. We are always gonna have using thoughts and dreams because of who and what we are....one thing a member told me long ago, we don't have to act on those thoughts and dreams anymore.
This is where the program of NA comes through for us. We truly learn to live a day at a time, without using. I know that's all I do, I live for today, I don't use today. It's practically a mantra in this addict's head....that along with "don't pick up and I won't use"...just for today!
Love and hugs to all :) Glora
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
