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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> Clearing my conscience
Post Info TOPIC: Clearing my conscience
Juniper


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Clearing my conscience
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I told myself that i would wait until i had a week of clean time before i said this, because that way i would feel less guilty, but i realize that it shouldn't matter, and that honesty is best, it's strange that i'm worried about what you guys think of me, i mean we are on the internet.. but i guess it means that i really care about you guys, and care about what you think of me.. but anyway here it goes..

So i relapsed again, and i did the self-pity thing for a while, but after i got over that i decided to look at the reason why i relapsed. I've come to the conclusion that i relapsed because i felt guilty about relapsing before. how crazy right? I think i took the first relapse so hard because this was the first time that i fully wanted to dedicate myself to recovery, and i ended up relapsing anyway, but i went back to meetings, and then i relapsed again, and this time i'm deciding to forgive myself and forget about the past (no matter how recent) because that is what got me to relapse again.

I'm going to look at these two slip ups as a positive thing though, because they have shown me something, the last few years when i would go to meetings and i relapsed, i wouldn't come back to a meeting for many months, and i would just stay out there, but these two times i've come back within days. I just think that i needed to modify my attitude and not have expecations for the future, just for today. I hope this doesn't happen again. but this time i'm not going to let it consume me like last time and see if that works better. thanks for reading..

i sort of feel a little better already, and i haven't even clicked on "submit post" yet. hah..

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"It's okay to look back, just don't stare."
2ala2


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Thank you for your courage and honesty. Main thing is, like you said, you got back on track ASAP.
Relapse does NOT have to mean total destruction!
Maybe now you'll work a more vigorous program. One day at a time..
and remember, a SLIP is "Sobriety Loses Its Priority"
May the Force be with you.

-- Edited by 2ala2 at 03:57, 2007-09-11

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BigV


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Your a good guy Scott just don't give up I really admire you.

When i relapsed with over 5 years clean I made a decision not to allow myself to feel shame, it was like i needed to use again for a reason and that reason being I was not honest with myself I was lying to themost important person in my life ME.

I also wasn't in touch with what was really going on I wasn't seeing the reality of what I was doing. The discomfort was unbelievable the turmoil inside was beyond anything I could fix and all I wanted was to fix it and make things the way I wanted them.

So I relapsed and I learned a lot from it and thats whats important, getting to know the addict inside, thats not always an easy job .

Once you know whats going on nows the time to decide AM I WILLING to face this and take responsibilty for it? you only have to do this one day at a time.

Scott I will share this with you and hope you take it to heart its something I found shortly after returning from my last relapse,it's something that gave me hope for me the sufferer, I dont suffer today I have gained so much since coming back after my last relapse I am not sure I even understand all the implecations yet.

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. "
Theodore  Roosevelt

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It's all about spirituality...
Keli


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The only time that any of us ever have is Today. I cleaned up 10 years ago in a treatment facility and stayed clean for a few months. I relapsed, and of course, predictably, my addiction got worse and the past 10 years have been a journey through hell. I used to wonder how differently my life would have turned out if i hadn't relapsed all those years ago, but down that road lies madness. I try not to focus on how much clean time i have or how much i want or how much i could have had. Just stay clean for today and you can consider that a day won. Today is the only day that matters! Be clean today and in recovery today! (((hugs)))

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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Tahir


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Honesty and Courage is what we all need to make a day clean, and that your Higher Power has blessed you with, Juniper smile.gif Thanks for sharing with us. Love you and need you.

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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Blithe Spirit


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Juniper,

Thank you for telling us the truth. I admire and respect your courage. I see that you are willing and able to learn from your mistakes, which is a demonstration of willingness and open-mindedness. With honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness you are well on your way. Looks like you're already on the road of recovery.

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Character is what we do when no one is looking.
NA_ROCKS


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Hugs Juniper :)

I know for me, relapse/using taught me alot about where I didn't want to be....it took awhile for me to totally surrender but I am so grateful today that I did. I remember the lessons well too.....Some say we continue to keep trying the same things over and over (insanity) until we learn the lesson we need to learn. It was like that for me. Like you, I used those times as learning times....since I totally surrendered myself and my addiction to this program, I have not had the need to re learn that lesson again. Believe me, there are more lessons out there to be learned by us addicts; that's the first biggest one :)

Hang in there brother!! YOU can do this and WE can help :)

Love and Hugs to all....G

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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
JasonD


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Juniper, How are you doing? Are you going to a meeting tonight?

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