Something that a member passed on to me this morning. It made a deep impact on me today. Thank God, I received it this morning. Another caring gesture by my Higher Power perhaps... Thought I could share it with all of you...
In all communication, there is one thing that each and every one us requires. We all want to be appreciated, honored, and respected. None of us want to feel criticized, rejected, ignored or manipulated. To reduce it to its simplest terms, we each want to feel loved. I do not only mean love in a romantic sense, or some outpouring of emotion, but simple caring in all it's aspects. This is the universal bottom line of every human relationship. We all want to feel cared for.
If each of us would like to be treated with care and respect, then it should be our intent to give this to others. But what often happens is the exact opposite. Instead of trying to ensure that the other person feels loved and appreciated, we end up in a vicious circle of recrimination and attack.
It usually starts by our feeling hurt over something someone said or did. Whether they intended to hurt us, or whether it is all our own creation does not matter. The fact is we feel hurt, and if we are not fully conscious of our own inner processes, we are likely to defend ourselves by attacking back in some way. Its not the most noble or wisest response, nevertheless that is the way us less-than-enlightened folk sometimes react.
We may respond with a cutting remark or criticism, a resentful tone of voice, a shift in body language, or simply by making no response at all. Whatever form it may take, the underlying intention is that the other person should feel just a little hurt - not much, not enough to disrupt the relationship, but sufficient that the other person should not feel totally, one hundred per cent, loved.
But if the other person is also less than enlightened, their response to a perceived attack will probably be similar to ours. They will probably attack back, and do or say something intended to make us feel a little hurt and not totally loved.
So the vicious circle gets set up. It may not always be that obvious. On the surface it often looks as if the relationship is going well; both people are friendly with no open hostility. But underneath a sad game is being played out. Each person, in their attempts to have the other person behave in a more loving manner, is actually withholding love from the other.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
The vicious circle can be broken if two people start from the recognition that each wants to feel loved and at ease. The question then becomes: How can I communicate so that this requirement is satisfied? This is the essence of a high quality relationshipthe intent that others should feel cared for and respected
The Buddha called this the principle of "right speech." If you cannot say something in such a way that the other person feels good on hearing it, then it is better to retain noble silence.
This should not be interpreted as a cop-out. "I have something difficult to say, and I dont know how to say it in such a way that you wont feel hurt, so I shall just keep quiet." We need to get our feelings out, but we need to so in a way that does not initiate the vicious circle of mutual attack. So we should retain noble silence only so long as we need to, while we work out how to say what we have to say in a kind and caring manner.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thanks Tahir, what you have posted is so true. I have to battle with it daily. To retain a noble silence is very difficult. This is amazing for me, thank you. It is the first time I have heard Buddhism quoted from a non Buddhist.
Another one that is always difficult for me on a daily basis is the Right Mindful Effort, Promote good thoughts; Conquer evil thoughts. If we can do this, life can run on a positive plane every day.
Your post did lots of good for me. I have been letting my higher power drop down the list again.
kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
The vicious circle can be broken if two people start from the recognition that each wants to feel loved and at ease. The question then becomes: How can I communicate so that this requirement is satisfied? This is the essence of a high quality relationshipthe intent that others should feel cared for and respected
The Buddha called this the principle of "right speech." If you cannot say something in such a way that the other person feels good on hearing it, then it is better to retain noble silence.
This should not be interpreted as a cop-out. "I have something difficult to say, and I dont know how to say it in such a way that you wont feel hurt, so I shall just keep quiet." We need to get our feelings out, but we need to so in a way that does not initiate the vicious circle of mutual attack. So we should retain noble silence only so long as we need to, while we work out how to say what we have to say in a kind and caring manner.
I have begun to do this its a practice thing LOL and it works when I put someone elses feelings first.
Love is action, love is behavior Love is kindness and understanding...
Tahir, thank you for that awesome share. It really makes me think about how I'm communicating in my current relationship. I'm going to try to practice this right now :)
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Great post,,, it remids me of the Vedic Teaching(Hindu) "TRUTH SPOKEN WITOUT LOVE IS NOT TRUE ANYMORE" I remember hearing this shard at a convention a long time ago by an old timer,,, it has stayed with me,,sometimes I forget,, sometimes i use this mode !! But then what happens to the self searching when I am disturbed ? If I get disturbed by someone telling me the Truth,,,, then what is the matter with me ? Is my resentment coming from what someone else said to me or did wiith me ,,or is it because of my own ego being touched ? ill vouchsafe that when I am disturbed,, my first priority is to quieten that thru God,Prayer <Meditation !! Rather than holding someone else responsible for my feelings !!!
-- Edited by Raman at 05:11, 2007-09-10
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
How can we communicate with care in our heart? There are several things that can help:
Become vigilant against attacking thoughts. Filtering out these less than noble intentions can remove much of the problem at source. Simply the intent not to be attacking can be a major help.
Put yourself in the other persons shoes. Avoid expressions or examples that might "push their buttons", or which they might construe as attacking, even though no attack is intended.
Speaking the truth is one thing. How you speak it is quite another. Consider how you might shape your communication so that the other person does feel appreciated. When you have something difficult to say, preface it with the reason why you want to say it, letting the person know it comes from an attitude of caring rather than attack. To start by saying: "I value our professional relationship, and want to see it grow, but for that to happen, I need to discuss an issue that is difficult for me," sets a very different tone than simply blurting out whatever you have to say.
Express your fears. They are also part of the truth, and expressing your fear of rejection, of being misunderstood, or of looking foolish, helps others appreciate your own concerns, and can put them more at easewhich, remember, is the goal of this exercise. Such fears are part of the truth, and expressing them as thatsimply the truth of how you are feeling about the conversationcan do a lot to ease communication.
Learn what works. If despite your best intentions, a colleague feels attacked or resented from something you said, ask for suggestions as to how you could have said it better. You will be surprised by how much you can learn.
When this practice slips, as it surely will from time to time, and the attacking mode creeps in, there is nothing like a genuine apology to set things back on track. Own up to your mistake (we are all human after all), and try to express yourself again with a more caring intention.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
The essence of this approach is simple kindness respect and care for the feelings and inner well-being of another. This is the Golden Rule that is to be found at the heart of the worlds spiritual traditions. In a spiritual book called Bible it is said "All things whatsoever that ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them."
Similarly, in another spiritual book called Koran we find "No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself." Relationships can be a path to spiritual awakening. They can be our greatest teachers. They give us the opportunity to practice not only kindness, but also compassion, forgiveness, and respectqualities that are surely needed in the world today.
The more that we raise the quality of our relationships at home, work and in life generally, the more that we lubricate the wheels of life, and the more that everything else we have to do becomes that much easier and more enjoyable.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Wow, there's a lot of wisdom and direction in here, on this thread, found it buried deep under our forum pile.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
