It's been a while since I've posted here on MIP. I've been staying clean [20 months so far] attending meetings, connecting with sponsor and friends, [I wish I could say that I am working steps diligently but I've been procrastinating in this long long through 4th step I have been doing] I was working a lot, traveling a lot for work, things have been good for the most part.
[OK here's the whine] Recently work got real slow. I am on commission which is a good portion of my income, frankly the salary and benefits are much more than the commission, so it's not real bad. However it's the morale and attitude at work that drifts me into fear. There were 5 people in my department, [now there are three] we are logistically placed geographically. I was top dog in the last year or more and now I am the current lowest producer, bottom man on the pole. Two of my peers in my position were let go in the last month based on performance [or actually lack of it] I am way behind in my performance too, the writing on the wall and the flat out strait forward advice from my boss is that I must turn it around or I will be next. I knew this anyway, but he reinforced it. The hard thing is that I am doing everything I know how, I am working harder now than I was when I was super busy producing my numbers. It's just a market condition right now that I cant fix on my own. My company knows this, but it's typical in my industry that it doesn't matter why business is slow, in my position I am the one responsible weather it is my fault or not, so when one cant bring the numbers up in a short amount of time, they get fired and replaced with someone else who gets allowed a grace period because he's new. I'm not the ideal age for job prospects, yes I have expreriance, skills and contacts, but I know guys younger and better than I am in my field who are having a hard time finding work right now.
I've been through this before and can deal with it. But it's much harder this time. I'm older now. We just bought a new home a year ago, my bills lietrally tripled, I have no safety net like I used to when my bills were only a fraction of what they are now. I basically live paycheck to paycheck. To top things off, I am also being sued for a large sum of money which makes me nervous that I could lose my house, plus wife's car took a dump and needs a new engine, [cant afford it nor can I afford a new car] daughter's tuition went up 20% this year. So with less commission, higher bills, an unforeseen big auto expense pop up makes me stress enough. But it's the fear of losing my job though that occupies my mind constantly. I don't know what I would do. I have very little equity so I would lose my investment, I would have to move my family back to a substandard area which is the part I fear most. Plus the fear of feeling like a failure and losing something that I put so much value and pride in.
It wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't have a wife and kid to take care of. Heck I've lived in cars, garages, bounced from couch to couch. I can survive, but my pride, ego, and self esteem struggles with putting my family through that.
I try to keep telling myself to live in today and don't fear tomorrow. Just do what I can today and be grateful that I am clean. But in all honesty the fear takes over and I go back into negative forecasts of the future. I pray, but frankly I don't have a lot of faith right now. That's what fear IS, a lack of faith.
I am a bundle of nerves lately, I go to meetings. stay clean, stay connected to clean friends, so I don't have a fear of using at this point, I just have an overwhelming fear of life and the unknown. I feel like lyrics of a song I used to hear back in the seventies...
"I'm hoovering like a fly, waiting for the windshield on the freeway"
Hi Karl, good share. I have been in your position. Although I am not in that position for the moment. I guess your're getting my humble opinion! I look back on all the issues I worried, feared and debated in my head about. I was about to lose everything I ever worked for etc etc, I had all the horrible thoughts, wife, kids looking at me like I was a loser, couldn't do what was expected. Loss of pride, ego within the industry. If I would have spent more time concentrating on my work, health and relationships, I would have done so much better than I am doing right now. I know that you will already know this and I think you will need to apply this behavior with your own method. I have personally learned a good lesson from myself, when I look for someone to blame, I just look in the mirror. Now, I am calm at the most stressful meetings, people in my industry that I looked up to and was afraid to let them down, I would always be uncomfortable meeting them because I felt that I wasn't up to thier par because of the situation I was in, no new business development, no new contracts etc. Now I accept the reality of lifes terms and make decisions with a clear calm mind. I meet with these people on very calm even terms now. I always tell them exactly what I think and how the business looks for the future etc etc. I hope some of this will settle you down and get you back on the even keel that you want to be on.
kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
From what you wrote, it seems as if you are doing everything within your power to (a) keep your job and (b) maintain your recovery. You are doing the footwork and are powerless over the results.
From a spiritual perspective, your HP will direct you. In fact, s/he already is. That could mean that you stay at this job or it could mean that you don't. We do not know at this time. All we do know is that you can have faith that you will be directed. Now, you can go kicking and screaming if you want to, or you can go willingly. Either way, you are going to be directed.
From a practical perspective, if it were me, I would look at the spiritual perspective and think: "Huh. I'm not sure what my HP has in store for me regarding this job. I am scared to death of giving up my security, but at the same time I don't want to hold on to the job if it is not where I am supposed to be. I want to see other options and let my HP direct me. I know that I will be directed to where I am supposed to be." And then, I would write my resume, send it out, and start looking at other options. This does not necessarily mean you will leave your job. Yet maybe you will. You would only be gathering information with the hopes that more will be revealed to you as far as your path and direction.
here is what i found out when i "lost everything" I am not my job. I am not my income. the people who really love me dont give a rats ass about "what i do" they care about who i am. after the dust settled, i really quite like who i am today. i do believe that the power that created the universe does know better than me and i think i am learning to trust it!
We have to be very careful with finances and with our jobs I just about blew it last week and told my employer to take his job and shuvit though maybe thats what I need to do just not yet, eventually.
I wish you the best Karl look on the bright side the things you have in your life,sobriety, wife , child they are beyond any value keep an open line with them on howthings are going so there aren't any surprises later , hold them close and try being optimistic look foreward to the good that can come from this instead of seeing only wahts wrong or what could go wrong we're not psychics or fortune tellers. Keep working hard but also make an alternative plan of action.
all good replies my fellow recoevring addicts, [thanks] I will try to put them into practice. That's sometimes easier said than done, but i WILL do as suggested. All feedback is appreciated, thank you.
