today is my belly button birthday and i'm so grateful i get to spend it clean and sober!!! my last birthday was truly awful!! Looking back it seems like it was more of a deadday than a birthday...i spent it in a crackhouse.. i was bonerail thin, had been up for days...had no home...didn't see or speak to my girls or my family... yuk...simply yuk!! All i cared about was getting high... I do remember the sadness i felt that i was where i was but guess what fixxed it...for a minute... was the next high...then right back to sadness, high,sadness,high,sadness...
In my recovery family i choose to hang out with today there are 2 other women who share birthdays.. one was on the 6th, another the 7th and mine today. We had a 'party' last night.. my cheeks are still sore from laughing:) 15 women sitting around the kitchen including my youngest daughter whos 13. We went around the circle introducing ourselves...my name is Wendy and i'm a virgo:) and chose a street sign that we thought best described us...i chose 'Under Construction' I was the youngest by belly button age as well as recovery age, we had so much fun!! And it was nice to show my daughter that her mommah can go to a party that doesn't include booze and a cloud of...ya know..My daughters chose 'school Zone'..what a blast it was.
Because of my choices...the consequences of my choices, everything is different including me. I don't have to hide, lie, steal and cheat.. i laugh, i love and therefore live!
Today i am going to the big city ..where i spent my bottom.. for a long time i couldn't go there alone. I still get assaulted by memories of people places and things when i visit but its getting so much better! I don't fear those visits today, just grateful i'm in recovery!!my oldest daughter is treating me to supper. I will stop in at my step moms and visit there to and see my brothers and sisters. At one time my sisters spent weeks looking for me...driving around and around... as soon as i heard that they were close i just moved on.. not ready to face them... gosh what i put my family through..
I will go to a detox meeting this morning to set the day... one stay in detox i remember talking to my mom on the phone... she was saying to me "shame on you Wendy... you're 37 years old and old enough to know better.. i argued my age.."uh mom??...i'm 38...back and forth...she was right...so i was 38 for 2 years..:) Funny thing happened talking to my mom on msn yesterday... "so you're going to be 41 huh?" ....jeeze i'm thinkin.. " uh mom? gonna be 42..." crap she was right again!!! :)
I have a different birthday...my clean one... seems to matter more :) Inside i'm still a kid...working on my 8th month. Pregnant with the program :)
Today is all that matters, there is no way i will use today!!!
Wendy what an awesome share. I relate to so much of it. being out on the streets and my family looking for me, and I'm 34 years old but I still feel like I'm 16, like I never grew up. I never learned how to function as an adult til now, I'm just beginning to learn. I wish you such a happy birthday and much love and hugs to you sister
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
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