Well it seems that im in the proces of becoming so detached from my soul by being in active addiction that im scared iŽll never get recovery. Iv been trying for over 3 yrs now and can only manage up to 2-3 months before relaps and thats with meetings, now im travling and havnt been to a meeting for ages and feel mad. Its as if i have to shoot up and hurt myself to get relief not at the time of being high cause i just want more but the next day the urge and restlesnes seemed to desolve and i could injoy the moment that was untill my last binge which has lasted days of using shitty crack and coke. As i type this im starting to feel a little reality slip through and im noticing just how much my body mind and spirit are brocken.
So.. i know i need to take action and stay cleen for today, ring someone in the fellowship and make real plans to get some where where thereŽs meetings.... shit somwhere in my mind as i type this apart from feelings of fear my addict side is saying "bullshit" your just willing at the moment to make change cause im hurting but when im ok iŽll do it again and again. Ok i dont want to go on like this, i do want to change and enjoy life without the use of drugs!
Thanks for reading this, I just had to get it out for a reality check and i cant get onto an online meeting cause of the time differece. Ps sory for the shitty spelling too!
I've felt the same EXACT way man the time will come just keep trying.
Once things get to a certain point all you will want is recovery it will happen this is all happening for the good one day you'll be able to understand others and know what they went thru and you'll be able to tell them what i'm telling you.
Bless your heart do not give up, if I can do this you can too.
Thanks Bigv, im one day cleen now and have started to work a program again. You will be seeing alot of me online from now on as i plan to be a part of the fellowship if only in cyber space while i travel.
Congratulations on one day clean, Billy-Luke! I am looking forward to seeing more of you online and reading about your experience, strength, and hope. Welcome home.
I remember having that same feeling and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Some of us find surrender so very difficult....but it can and does happen!! Hang in there brother!! Love and Hugs to ya :)
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
