So, my parents booked me a plane ticket to come home to visit for a weekend a month from now, and i didn't really have any input into it, and i know that i'm not supposed to worry about anything but today, but i think that it is a REALLY bad idea that i go back home to visit this early in my recovery.
I mean i go back and forth in my head thinking how great it would be to be with my friends, (the real ones), and how happy and proud they would be to see me clean, even though i mostly ditched them and was a bad friend, and ruined most of the friendships, but there is still those like 3 amazing people that i can call true friends. Thinking about hanging out with them clean is such a crazy and exciting thought to me, and it seems like it would be a lot of fun.
But at the same time, for instance, today an old using friend from home called me, and i told her i would be visiting home (i don't know why i told her, it just sort of came out without thinking), and she said she would make sure i would have a good time, and i said that i wanted to be clean, and she said something that really caught me off guard, she said "you say that now, but you know when you get home you are going to do it, i don't mean to burst your bubble but that is just the way it is, haha" , and i was just like.. damn.. i could call her sometime before i come home and tell her that i'm not coming after all, and try to avoid her when i'm there, but i dunno, i have this horrible vision of me calling her when i'm layed over in chicago and telling her to get everything ready so i can get high the second i step off the plane, it's hard to tell where my mind will be a month from now.
I know i should probably just call my parents and tell them that i don't think i should come home because it would be too easy to relapse, but i'd feel so ashamed, and i'd feel like i'd let them down, you see.. my mom is in total denial, or maybe she is just ignorant about addiction, but she thinks since i've been to treatment twice that i'm "cured" and when i relapse she is just so confused and thinks that there is something wrong with me, that i am somehow worse because i wasn't "cured" when i left treatment, like i was supposed to be.
I dunno, i'm just putting my thoughts out there, and want your guys' feedback on what i should do. thanks.
Way to go Juniper, one day is all it takes. I am happy that you are making it back. Stay away from those temptations when ever possible. Go to a meeting. Read the book, work on the steps, it works. Life is good without drugs. I feel for you right now. The beginning is hard. Keep on it Juniper.
kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
(((((Juniper))))) So awesome that you're back to recovery. A day clean is a day won. See, didn't I tell you YOU'RE A MIRACLE?!!
I've found a particular suggestion from oldtimers very useful, especially in my first year of recovery (even at times now). They said, "When you're in doubt, don't do it." meaning I don't have to do something in my early few months of recovery if I'm not sure of doing it well or if I fear that might lead me to a high-risk situation or a possible relapse. Also, my Substance Abuse Counselor told me a very harsh (at that time) fact to me when I told her I'd want to pursue my education immediately after my discharge from the treatment program. She said, "you're incapable of functioning as a student as of now. You would not be able to do it, so wait for a year of cleantime." I thought that she probably didn't know much about me and my capabilities, went out, took up a professional course and a software computing course along with it. No matter how hard I tried to make these courses, I found that I was not able to even sit in the lecture halls, leave alone preparing and taking the exams. Then the reality of what she said hit me.
Be gentle on yourself, Juniper. And the most imporant person for you is YOU. What your mother perceives you or the disease of addiction to be is her perception and she is entitled to it. In the long run of our recovery, I have found that what my loved ones think, understand or fail to understand about my addiction or recovery doesn't necessarily have to change a thing about how I go on with my recovery. I know that they love me, and they want well for me. Just that they didn't use and get to know what's it like. I cannot expect them to understand something that I'm still trying to understand after almost 2 decades of paying the price dearly. Not fair on them. My expectations that they must understand, cooperate and trust me just because I'm clean today only leads me to losing my peace of mind, my sanity and my serenity on a daily basis. And I cannot afford to do that. I need to BE IN RECOVERY, and for that, I need to eliminate all from a situation and just look at myself, my part in it, and how it would be advantageous for my recovery to drop the burden of having to try hard to seek acknowledgement or approval of others.
Those things come, as a gift of recovery when we just look at ourselves and work our program on a daily basis. All these feelings and situations that creep up within us and even in our loved ones during the transformation period of an addict's life (when the addict starts the struggle of giving up using and tries to stay clean and recover - till the first one year of recovery) are temporary. It all changes. It does get better. Not because everything around changes, but because we begin to change and believe me, the change in us does influence the world around us, especially our loved ones. There is hope. There is unlimited possibilities. With the help of the 12 Steps and a loving Power greater than our addiction, anything is possible.
What I'm writing below is not just a slogan or a piece of literature that I read. This is what is happening in my life personally, and in the lives of hundreds of addicts in NA who work the 12 Steps in their daily lives.
Keep an open mind Expect Miracles More Will Be Revealed You'll be truly amazed
I have you in my thoughts & prayers constantly over the last few days. WE CAN!
P.S. Juniper, which is your hometown (mother's place) and are there any NA meetings there? Why not hang out with NA members if there is NA there? The best weapon that a recovering addict has against his/her addiction is ANOTHER RECOVERING ADDICT. Just a suggestion.
Love you bro...
Hugs, Love & Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Second: Have you called your friend to go to a meeting? If not, please do.
Third: Call your sponsor.
Fourth: If it were me going home like that, I would call the NA Help Line in that area - I would call today - and make a date to get picked up and go to meeting as soon as you arrive. In fact, whomever you meet might be available for you to call a few times so you can get to know him a little and have a clean connection in the area.
(Where is home, by the way? Maybe someone here could meet you.)
Fifth: Once you do the footwork - get to a meeting, make arrangements to be safe on your trip - say a little prayer and call your sponsor.
Thanks for responding you guys, Boston is my hometown, and i know there is a lot of meetings there, but i think i'm going to call up my parents and tell them that i don't think i should go, i really want to get this first month out of the way, which i haven't been able to without the help of a treatment program before, and i would get into town like on my day 27ish i think and if i relapsed that close to 30 i think i would lose hope.
J, Hang in there and build a strong foundation by following the suggestions of those with some time in this program.
The problem with a geographical change for an addict like me is my biggest problem always follows me. The problem is me. That said, keeping distance between people, places and things is a good idea too.
Get to a meeting and talk to people about what is going on with you :)
Your a smart young man I I hate to see it wasted Scott just hang in there and quit saying " I dont know why I do this" you do it because your an addict and thats what addicts do. Later you will find out oh so much more about Scott and dont be afraid theres a lot more good in you then bad I know that just from your postings so hold the hell on this time Brother, if a dope fiend loser drug addict and alcoholic like myself can do this you darn sure can too.
Hi Juniper, I agree with BigV. You got too much on the go to be fuckin up every day with drugs. Go to the meetings and use some blind faith. They will make sense after a while. We want you on the clean side and be able to hear how good you are doing at school. Talk to you soon brother.
Kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
The meeting last night was AMAZING, probably in the top 3 best ones i've been too, it was the meeting with all the young people that have a lot of clean time, i got a ride from one of them, and i got 3 numbers of really cool people, there is this guy that i want to ask to be my sponser, but i've never had a sponser and i'm nervous about asking cuz if he says no i'll feel stupid.. and im just not good at that kind of thing, i've never had a sponser before also so it's unkown territory for me, but i think i'll try and set a goal for myself to ask him sometime this week?
The goal of asking him sometime this week sounds very reasonable. Ask and then be powerless over the answer. Your Higher Power will direct you. Maybe it will be to the guy you ask and maybe asking him will lead you to someone else. Just be powerless and have faith.
Please let us know what happens with your trip to Boston.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again. I say this as the very first time I asked someone to sponsor me, I was turned down, felt less than, got angry and never asked anyone else for a long time.
Today I see that was a type of "reservation" for me, to not ask another addict and let the first time go....so ask and ask....and listen to members sharing at meetings; god does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Sometimes if you just share about the fact that you are looking for a sponsor, you will be approached at the end of the meeting by just the right one for YOU :)
Love and Hugs Juniper!!! Keep it up :)
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Hi Juniper, you and we know that you are heading in the right direction. Ask the possible sponsor for help. I know that it is difficult to ask for help, especially for us addicts. If he says no, don't feel like a victim as everyone has advised, just ask someone else, it will click for you and you will find someone that you can talk to and respect. As always we are in your corner, stay with us and learn the good life.
kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
