Before I say anything further, tonight was pretty messed up, and i ended up flushing the rest of my dope down the toilet. i don't really know where to start, it's funny how not having a working car keeps me from getting to meetings, but doesn't keep me from walking downtown to get dope. I'm pretty sure a large part of my relapse was due to me not having gone to a meeting for 3 days prior.
I can feel something this time, that i didn't feel before, like a really strong sense of understanding and hatered toward addiction. I think it's because this time i have a lot more to lose, and i can see how easy and close i am to slipping back into the deep end.
I feel horrible because it wasn't until after me and this kid had been held up in his room for a couple days that i actually found out that he had been clean for some time before this big mistake, even though he was the one that helped me get the stuff to start out with, i feel bad because he hasn't gone to work for the last few days, and is probably going to get fired, and we have been playing that stupid game where after you get high you say, i don't think we should do it tomorrow, and you end up doing it the next day anyway.
My mom called me up and said she was so proud of me beause she knew i was trying me best and doing good out here.
i can't really put into words how much that crushed me. i was trying very hard not to break down on the phone, i got through it, but my voice was really strained.
I'm so confused, i was doing so good, and i was just starting to feel great, i was eating and sleeping better, the emotions were up and down, but i'm pretty sure i was in a better place mentally then, than i am now. I don't understand why i jumped at the first chance i got to relapse without even thinking.
Tomorrow i'm going to call up that guy from the meeting, and i'm going to start sorting my stuff out, i'm going to look up what the homework is online, and get that done the best i can, and i'm going to go to a meeting, and get a new white keychain (again). I'm dreading going back to a meeting, cuz i feel so ashamed. and i feel like everyone will be judging me, and thinking that it was only a matter of time.
At first when i relapsed i felt like i wasn't lonely anymore, but me and alex (the kid i use with), don't really talk, we just are around each other out of convinence, i've ditched all the friends i've made here, and my roomate thinks im weird as hell cuz ive started to wear long sleeves in 80 degree weather, and cuz i'm never around or where i say i am, or come back at the time i say i will. tonight i feel as lonley as the first few nights when i got here.
I'm going to try really hard to take it one day at a time for real this time, not worry about the future at all. just today.
Sorry for this being so long, thanks for reading my thoughts.
Juniper (((hugs))) I'm proud of you for flushing that crap, i know how hard that is. When i was trying to clean up this time I had started going to meetings about 2 weeks before i actually got clean. I went, got a keychain, stayed clean for 3 days, relapsed. went back about a week later, got a keychain, and relapsed that friday, went back again after a horrible binge that dam near killed me, got a new keychain, and that was 42 days ago. Thank God i kept going back and kept trying, and no one judged me or made me feel unwelcome, they just kept telling me to keep coming back. Like the say, don't quit before the miracle happens!
And yes, meetings are sooo important, thats why they say 90 meetings in 90 days. I missed my first meeting this past friday and i know i was playing with fire by doing so. but i made the meeting saturday and the online one here sunday. For me, I KNOW that if i missed 3 or 4 meetings in a row I would start to talk myself into using. I am an addict and I am not to be trusted alone with myself, not this early in recovery anyways. There are times when I am in a bad space or the idea of using is teasing the back of my brain, then i go to a meeting and listen and afterwards I feel so much better, like I can do this for another day, that there is hope and that this works. I need that strength everyday, because I CANT BUT WE CAN. And this board has made a huge contribution. Keep posting because being able to get stuff out even if its just rambling has almost been like a instant meeting on demand lol. We are so lucky to have a place like this. Just for today, stay clean and apply as much effort to getting to a meeting as you did to getting to your connection. As always, your in my thoughts and prayers!
-- Edited by Keli at 07:03, 2007-09-03
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Skip the home work and go to a meeting so that you can get your home work done. Find a sponsor as soon as you can. Lots of love, you had some really hard days. Stay clean today.
Kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
When i was in treatment i wrote a goodbye letter to my drug of choice... i said in that letter...
thankyou for being there for me...we had some good times but way too many bad times,you were my best friend, you stabbed me in the back, you want me dead. you took my power, my sanity, my faith , my self respect, my family, my home you've killed my friends i do not want you in my life. I do not need you in my life. oh, and by the way... you can not visit me.!!!! good bye.
we stood in a circle in a park and read them out loud to each other, then burned the letter. i so felt my grief and anger that day... i shook, i cried... very emotional !
I have learned to be a grateful addict in recovery. i have learned that what others think of me is none of my business, and today i don't really care. What matters is what I think of me. I lived in judgement most of my life..mine and others. What energy that takes!!! Don't beat yourself up. Whats done is done. Today is a new day. I have learned that feelings are just feelings, and they pass. I've learned that to share...to talk about my feelings takes their power away. A problem shared is a problem half solved. I've learned that by picking up that phone or going to a meeting before I use gives me a tenfold better chance of not picking up that first one. I also know that lonliness, being alone in my head is a dangerous place to be. I call it 'the hood'.
I have learned that some days..even one day at a time is too much for me to tackle..so I take it one hour...one minute...one breath at a time. breathe in...breathe out...and don't use in between. Post acute withdrawal lasts for a while, we don't get better over night, we didn't get here overnight. Its a roller coaster ride for sure!!!
Getting into recovery is dam hard work, takes mountains of strength, and courage. YOu have that strength and courage, i've seen it already.
Staying in recovery is harder, its the hardest thing i've ever done. Its worth it. You are worth it!!!!
so this may sound harsh but...
Remember how every single moment feels right now Scott, It CAN be your last day 1 :)
Keep sharing you've helped me today you are very important!!
Wow Wendy, that was a good letter. Totally dramatic and true. A friend that stabs you in the back, hurts your family, kills your friends, turns your life into a pathetic existance of supporting the friend anyway humanly possible and it's still hard to leave a friend like that. But only for a while, it brings back some strong memories for me and helps me get back on my day today.
Thanks, kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
90 meetings in 90 days is what helps us to become strong....never forget that we have a disease called ADDICTION and it doesn't care if we live or die....extremely hard when first stopping using....that's why we only have to stay clean one day, today....
I know for me, once I used again, all seemed lost, all the hope I had been given, flushed down the drain rather than the dope. All it took was doing that first one....we have a disease which leads us to be compulsive and then obsessive about using (not just dope but later, other things will come to light)....
Please remember Juniper, none of us are perfect....we have all had our little downfalls and never thought we could get back what we had....but we can! Don't let this disease of the mind, body and spirit tell you otherwise!! I'm here to say, it can be done!!
Don't pick up and you won't use, just for today....
Raise your hands in the air and surrender (hard to use with your hands up in the air dude)
Sit on those hands, don't let them have anything but pen and paper :) Write about your feelings as you are going through them so you can see on paper the insanity we've all been in. I love you and I believe YOU can do this........TOGETHER WE CAN :)
Love and Hugs to ya brother (((((((Juniper))))))))))
I'm so proud of you for coming back :)
-- Edited by NA_ROCKS at 11:26, 2007-09-03
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Glad your back big dog. Remember just dont take the first one. when you get hit by a train it isnt the caboose of the train that kills ya. Its the first hit, from the locomotive. Yea get what im saying. good to see ya. and hang in there. GET YOUR ASS TO SOME MEETINGS
