You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go. Detaching with Love with Children It's one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilities as parents? We do have different responsibilities to our children than to other adults. We are financially responsible for our children; we are responsible for providing for their material and physical needs. Our children need to be taught how to help themselves - from tying their shoes to making social plans. They need our love and guidance. They need consistent enforcement of boundaries, once we've established limits. They need a supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow. They need help learning values. But we are not responsible for controlling our children. Contrary to popular belief, controlling doesn't work. Discipline and nurturing do - if combined. Shame and guilt interfere with our children's learning and our parenting. We need to respond to our children in a responsible way and hold them accountable for their actions at an age appropriate level. We need only do our best. We can let our children have their own process of living; we can have our own process. And, we can take care of ourselves during that process. Seek balance. Seek wisdom, Seek not to have control, but to own our power as people who are parents. Today, God, help me find an appropriate balance of responsibility to my children. Help me parent through nurturing and discipline, instead of control.
All my needs are being met easily and effortlessly today. I simply turn them over to my Higher Power and do the footwork.
All good advice. Fortunately I have 2 good children, both in university. They kind of know what I did, I didn't tell them everything. My addiction really kicked in after my kids were gone. I think you a correct on most points. The discipline has to be done with control. If you mention that there will be some sort of punishment for instance skipping school, he/she will miss sports on the week end or something like that. You have to stick to the plan. The punishment has to follow through. I always watch what other people are doing. I learn from the good things I see happening with thier children and I see the bad things that happen and try to figure out why. Setting basic rules, with appropriate discipline works very well, it may seem harsh but at the end of the day it wins.
kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
This is NA literature which is the collective experience of many recovering addicts in NA who put together all their experiences to create this literature for us. Thought sharing it here would be helpful for many.
Like everything else we believe and feel, we want to review our thinking and actions relating to parenting. Children are not adults. They require guidance and direction. They look to us for help in learning about life. Failing to give them clear direction and a secure feeling makes them uneasy and uncertain of themselves. If they can not count on us, who can they look up to? We are their role models in all things. We are doing this work to help make it better for those to come. This is not good advice, psycho babble or material designed to sell books. We try to share our own experience in hopes that it will help another. It does not matter whether we had children before we got clean, have them during recovery, or plan to have children in the future. We can use the Program to help us develop parenting skills. We learn the skills of guidance and teaching naturally. Unfortunately, if we grew up in a dysfunctional home we learned some things we may not want to pass on to our children. We learn our best lessons about parenting from being loving to one another - even if we don't have children.
In the Fellowship family of NA, we are able to be an adult or a child, as we need to be. We all have a child within ourselves that needs to be loved by someone. Sometimes we need to find the child within. This is not mumbo-jumbo. This child exists in our memories and affects everything we do in our daily life. Finding our inner child and coming to believe that our child needs to be loved and nurtured helps this essential understanding in our spiritual growth.
Once finding and learning to love our inner child gives us a major breakthrough in parenting our children. We must first learn to love ourselves and then we are truly set free to love others. There is a huge correlation between how we threat our inner-child and how we treat ourselves, others in our lives, especially our kids. Often we spend many years in recovery treating ourselves in the same negative manner our parents treated us. True freedom comes when we make amends to ourselves and learn to love ourselves. This is how we break the chains of pain.
What we did not get as children, we have come to learn is exactly what we need to give to our children. We must look at the events that happened when we were young which we had no control over. The things we needed and did not receive are the very things we most need to give to our children. For example, teaching and learning about reality, safe boundaries, unconditional love, patience, tolerance, etc. In meetings we can share how we feel about having kids and giving them what we often missed. We know that most of our old ideas of what it 'normal' for children are usually out of line with reality. For some it maybe foreign to imagine how 'caring and sharing' has improved our ability to communicate effectively with our children. Before coming to meetings, we did not know about open loving communications. Most all our communications were either shame based or driven by a desire to have our way. The changes from the parents we were when we walking into NA has come from the internal changes encouraged by a supportive, loving, human environment.
Most times we do not control anything. Through recovery we learn to power of choice. Otherwise, we are drug along by our prejudice, fear and ironic illusion of control. If one or both parents are addicts, we must look at the things done to us when we were young and could not control what happened to us. Our pain and scars are such an integral part of our lives that we cannot easily see how they affect the way we see and feel in our day to day lives. We can share how we feel about having kids and giving them what we often missed as children. It may be hard to imagine how much difference this type of 'caring and sharing' has made to the way we live and react. It is a big change from the parents we were when we walked into NA. We know that most of our old ideas of what is normal for children are usually out of line with reality.
Learning to teach our children positive values while clean is a gift and it gives us a good feeling in our hearts. These values are letting our children know they are more important than the spilled milk. The toys they break can be replaced, the children cannot. Perhaps it is our own fear of loss of control that makes us turn into dictators, scolding teachers, critical task masters, and forceful preparers of food.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
"I can recall not liking sweet peas for some reason when I was around ten years old. I was made to sit at the kitchen table for four hours. I would not eat the peas. It wasn't fun sitting at the table and in a way I wasn't mad at my parents. It all just seemed so unnecessary. It made them seem smaller to me, like something was going on I couldn't quite understand. Today, I realize their parents made them sit at the table. Some foods taste different to little kids. In recovery, I never made my children do this.
"Another routine occurrence from my childhood was 'switching' children. My mother would make us go outside and pick a switch from a camelia bush and strip the leaves off. If we picked a switch too small, we had to go out and pick a bigger one. This was considered normal in our household.
"For severe infractions, she would give us the ultimate threat, 'Wait till your Daddy gets home.' When Daddy got home she would tell him what we had done and he would beat us with a belt - pants down. This was considered normal in our household."
For whatever reasons, we ignored or never received guidance in some areas. Perhaps our parents never learned some things, were too busy with their own lives to help us or we put up walls so we could not hear what they were saying. The more we learn about our disease and recovery, the more we realize that the child is the beginning of the adult and lives on in the adult long after childhood should have ended. The things we learned that are not right somehow will come up time and time again. Every time we attempt to apply them and they do not work for us.
Families can find basic loving values in the NA program. Meeting our need for this direction supplements the spiritual principles of the 12 Steps. The 12 Traditions allow this to take place in a protected environment. These values of patience, tolerance and humility come back to us away from our active addiction. Sometimes we pass what we know about living from generation to generation in our families. Schools can only teach so much. There is no substitute for family.
Family values are beneficial for our children's future as well as our own. Some of these values are so far from where we live that even discussing them makes us uncomfortable. Impressions made in childhood will endure for the life of the child even if they live a hundred years. There are no substituting family ideals. Doing a good job, or cutting corners to get over on our employers reflect values for better or worse. We teach our children values so that they become healthy adults. Showing unconditional love and sharing feelings with our children helps them learn how to express these values. The reward of raising children is when we see our child happy and doing the right thing in life. When we get beyond ourselves and take an positive, effective interest in others, our children as well as other members of their immediate families will benefit. Most of us are learning to do this today in NA. This may explain the feeling that many of us have in that the Fellowship becomes our family.
One addict shared, "My idea of what is 'normal' is abnormal. What is the 'job' of the child in the family, then and now? I want nurturing, love, the freedom to feel and the ability to express my feelings to my children. However, these things are not automatic to me yet, so I still struggle almost daily. These characteristics didn't exist in the home where I grew up so I'm learning them here in NA. I remember that I suffered from verbal abuse and ridicule frequently as a child. I know well today, the frustration that my father felt. When things in my world don't go the way that I think they should, I suddenly feel like I'm my father. I have learned that when my primary concern is 'what I want,' this frustration is at its greatest. When I feel this frustration at having no control, I naturally want to control something so why not my family. We are all too familiar with the fact that a child's spirit and self-esteem is easily curbed or broken by cycles of fear, ridicule or intimidation. I know exactly how that feels and don't want that for my babies. My most interesting challenges as well as my greatest joys are in my interactions with my children. I have the desire to be a good father because I believe that there is nothing more important or more rewarding.
"I am learning to be a parent by being one. It's scary to think that I'm practicing on my two and a half year old son and nine year old stepdaughter. I know that I make mistakes and at times, I am unfair. I demand and expect a lot from our daughter and I show my love more openly with our son. I yell, criticize and yes, even ridicule. This is usually when I'm in the midst of my frustration. I want to be in control of something because that's what I learned to do in my parents' home.
"What I'm learning in NA, is how to take it easy, relax, be gentle with my family and myself because we're all 'being parented' here in some way. When I've been mean, I admit it. I tell my kids that I'll try to do a little better. I tell them that I was angry and it's not their fault. I apologize rather than trying to justify my actions when I'm wrong. Sometimes, I want a hug but won't ask for one. I'm learning that a hug is something you can't get unless you give one. So, I shove aside my fear of rejection (yes, even by my children) and simply ask for or better yet give a hug. I feel the love of all my families, my birth family, my partner and children, and my chosen family in NA when I demonstrate it. When I feel that love, I know that I am becoming who I want to be.
"As a parent, I am responsible to teach and guide my children as well as I can. I need to seek guidance and be open-minded about how I can best do this. In NA, I have learned to ask for the help that I need and that I will receive the guidance of my Higher Power. Nearly everyday, I find myself presented with the opportunity to meet challenges and grow. The most effective way of teaching and guidance that I share, happens in the same way that I learn best, by example. I try to remember to practice these principles in all my affairs."
Parenting can be one of the more difficult tasks that we addicts face in life whether we are in or out of recovery. For some of us, we must practice caution and not relive our own lost childhood through our children even if we want to. What is parenting? It is simply the willingness to try to guide, teach, love, and protect. Some of us grew up in troubled families and possibly survived abuse or neglect. What do we know about being a parent? We only know what we lived through - the abuse, neglect, lost childhood dreams, pains, and fears. In recovery, we have the chance and the tools that we need to break free from this cycle. We have the opportunity to learn to guide, teach, and most of all love each other and can pass this on to our children. We break our cycles by dealing with these issues and working the Steps rather than passing it on to anyone.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Another addict shared: "Being a parent has been the biggest responsibility of my recovery because I feel that I can never quit or walk away from it. Having someone depend on me was always a burden, however my child needed me whether I liked it or not. I realized, and later learned to accept, that I was no longer number one, that everything I did would affect someone else. Acceptance of this idea comes hard because the core of my disease is self-centeredness. Because of attending meetings, asking for help, praying and practicing tolerance and patience, I gradually became an effective parent. The gifts that I've received as a parent have helped me in all areas of my life. Knowledge acquired through listening, teaching and watching my child has proven useful when I'm interacting with others. Children are not that different from adults.
"Like my responsibility in sponsorship, my job as a parent is simply to guide and advise. I'm not here to prevent my child from pain, but to help her get through whatever life brings. It would be so easy to make her pain my pain and relate my own childhood dramas to her situations. The truth is that her different circumstances are a part of her life and experience, not mine. I don't need to interject 'my stuff' into the situation. Parenting has provided me with the most joy as well as the most pain that I've ever experienced. In hard times, I always remember that no one can give me the things that my child has given me. During the painful times, I always try to remember the joy."
Sometimes the greatest relief and joy we can know is in not doing to our kids what was done to us. And our children get a taste for recovery as they go to meetings, activities, dances and watch in wonder as their parents grow. Just as we eliminate pain and failure from our futures by getting clean and staying clean, we eliminate pain and confusion from the lives of our children.
Another parent in recovery shared: "Parenting is now a joy! When I came into this program, I was separated from my wife and daughter. My daughter would cry when it was time for her to come to visit me. It was really a painful situation. Through the process of my recovery and the grace of God, I've been able to become a good parent. I try hard to not to be controlling and demanding but loving and caring instead. I'm learning what it is like to have a healthy relationship with my daughter. I'm able to honestly relate to her what I'm feeling and listen to what she has to share. I try to allow her to be who she is and not who I think she should be. Recovery has given me more time to spend with her. We do things that are fun, educational and healthy. The things that I do today don't generate fear in her life like before."
Control can quickly become an issue when we're dealing with our children. We must remain cautious against the tendency to use our children to meet our own unfulfilled needs. We should encourage our children to develop their own God given talents whatever they may be. Discipline is another issue that all parents have to face. We ask, "What do I do Am I over-reacting Am I being weak Am I a poor example for my child?"
Before we can answer these questions, it would be helpful for us to understand the purpose of the discipline. What is the message that we want our children to receive from the discipline? We use discipline to encourage our children to change their behaviors. We should not use discipline to convey the message that they are bad. Even when punishment is necessary, we should always show love.
A mother shared: "I enjoy love because for so long I can't really remember any love in my household. We never hugged nor did we show any affection. You see, today the Steps have shown me how to love and I can show my child some love and attention. For instance, everyday I tell my child, 'I love you.' I ask, 'How was your day? Do you need help with your home work?'
"When I see something troubling my child, I ask him about it. I let him express himself good, bad or indifferent. I let my child make some of his own choices. For instance, if my child wants to play baseball or football, he asks me about it. We discuss it and then I let him make the choice. Sometimes, we only discuss what kind of dessert he might want. I also speak to my child about drugs. This way, when he grows up, he knows how bad I had it and just maybe through the grace of God, my child won't have to go through what I went through. I take my son to NA meetings so he can learn also. I have days when I'm not okay and he'll ask me, 'Mom, what's up? Express your feelings with me.' That is only because I have brought him to many NA meetings.
"Sometime he'll even direct me to a meeting or tell me to call my sponsor because he knows that this program works. In addition, the communication skills that I learn from working with a sponsor, I use with my son. Communication is one very important tool when it comes to parenting a child in recovery. Teaching our children about values and morals is easier when done by example. Saying thank you, please, have a nice day or night, how are you today, or good morning are wonderful examples. Yet, I also show love by setting boundaries. I tell my son, 'I'm the adult and you're the child. What you think and say is important but something may not always be okay. You have to listen to me.'
"I believe in teaching children to be responsible. What I do with my son is give him ways to help with the chores. If he doesn't do his chores, he doesn't get his allowance. His chores are to make his bed, to take the trash out, and walk the dog. My son is eight years old. His allowance is $3.00 a week. If he doesn't do his chores, he doesn't get any money. I do this to teach him that you have to be responsible in the world. I'm the kind of parent that doesn't believe in hitting my child. I believe in punishment such as not letting him go out to play or not letting him play Nintendo. I may take something away from him that he likes doing. What he's done determines what kind of punishment he'll get."
Some of us have notions of punishment and discipline that may be abusive rather than helpful to our children. Being teased or told that we couldn't do certain things, created unreal barriers to future accomplishments. We have to work carefully through these things if we want to change the boundaries set for us by others in situations that no longer apply to us. What we go through will directly help our children. It is not sensible to live in the past and replay the endless scenes of pain or deprivation. Just because it happened to us, it does not have to happen to them. This past pain included physical and emotional needs that went unmet and unfulfilled. We are not responsible for the things that happened. We want to guard against hating our parents if they were unable to do better for us. They hurt too, often because of addiction in their families. Hatred, like any strong focus of attention, will draw forth from reality what its focus is, even if we don't approve or desire that something.
We can forgive those who have wronged us without feeling forced to pass on similar wrongs to those who look to us, including our children. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a situation where we can't be sure of what we are doing with our children. Many of us have made special arrangements for the care of our children early in recovery and resumed our parenting roles after establishing our recovery to some extent. Other times our children have drawn us together in a positive way that helped us go ahead and make adjustments beyond what we may have done for ourselves alone. This is all dependent on your individual information and you bear total responsibility for using what may help you.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Another mother shared: "Being a parent in recovery is like having extra hands, arms, and legs that I am trying to teach how to work properly. I send signals to these different parts and expect them to do as I have instructed. As an addict, of course, I assume that after a few attempts, I should have all the movements down pat. I expect perfection without much practice. I then get angry if I fail even with the most complicated of tasks. I internalize all failure without looking at the method that I used to teach or the rewards I should have given. I just keep repeating the same behavior and getting the same frustration, until I remember the 'Twelve Steps' of recovery and applying them to all areas of my life.
"When I was practicing my addiction, it didn't matter to me what was happening to my children emotionally, spiritually, or mentally, only physically. I fed them, kept them clean and gave them all the toys that they could handle. I tried at various times to be a nurturing mother but I usually wound up so exhausted and emotionally drained that all I could do was wait until they were asleep to get high. I wasn't 'nurtured' and 'loved' while I was growing up so all that I seemed to do was going through the motions of being a Mom. However, the other side of the coin was the rage. I held it inside until I was a raving lunatic who criticized her children ruthlessly and abused physically those precious human beings that are so fragile and unconditional in their love to me. It wasn't until I was clean a whole year that I seriously began to change in my behavior and feelings towards my two children. My greatest blessing is the NA Program that gives me the opportunity to begin again with them.
"I feel we are spiritual guides to these small beings that manage to take up so much of our time. Answering the 'hard' questions and helping them to create and learn their own answers as to what God, prayer, and faith are is rough unless you stop and ask your Higher Power for the guidance first. Then I begin to practice acceptance because their concepts are only similar to mine, their inner voice different than what I hear and their prayers lean a little more towards the material aspects of life. So far, 'God' knows everything and has a white beard, loves everyone, especially chameleons, is forgiving, and will take care of you while you sleep in the dark. Prayers are equal to being grateful and making wishes now. I sometimes wonder whos voice they are listening to but when I have overheard them praying; I know that their Higher Power answers them somehow. I'm just not on the same frequency but that's okay. I reassure them on a regular basis that there is a God of Higher Power, reminding them to pray when they are happy or scared. I try not to challenge their concepts by using the principles that I have learned so far. I am praying for guidance still as well as patience, just for today.
"Emotionally supporting my children whenever they are experiencing feelings can sometimes be the most difficult task I attempt. I am still identifying and becoming aware of feelings myself so we all seem to be growing up together. Letting them feel and not denying their reality about what it feels like when the lights are off, tries my patience. Saying that there are no monsters under the bed only denies their reality. Fear, I recognize easily so I try to explain about faith after I tell them that it's okay to feel the fear. Sadness over losing one of our many chameleon forms is easy to sense with them. The absolute raw grief they felt initially was like a tidal wave that hit me and drained all of my energy at once. Nevertheless, it forced me to recognize grief for the first time, miss the creature and realize all these feelings were okay!
"On the other end of the spectrum lie the warmth, caring, and love that I feel for my children today. I had to experience these feelings first in the NA Fellowship, trust it and then take it home to my children. I grew emotionally because there were plenty of recovering addicts who were willing to share their stories, their experience, strength, and hope, as well as love and hugs on a daily basis with me over the last two years. My Higher Power acts and speaks through other addicts if I'm willing to listen, open to suggestions, and honest about what I am feeling. It's like going shopping and coming home with a bunch of treasures that I can look at and use when I get home. The price that I pay is to share all I learn with the next addict who comes along and reaches out for help, this includes my two children that I am so grateful for today.
"Whenever I need some instant gratitude and a big dish of humility, all I have to do is look in on my children while they sleep. These small angels remind me to look at the whole picture of my life and not the 'small stuff' that make up the everyday trials. They are part of a new group called 'Meeting Kids.' They not only go with me to meetings and activities - they know when to tell me I need one! My sponsor has taught me to be truthful intellectually with these kids and share what NA is all about gradually. I am truly grateful today for all the gifts of recovery especially when I peek in at them before I go to sleep at night."
Among the pains we addicts associate with active addiction is the guilt and shame we feel for being poor parents. It is so important to realize that just as we learn to do better in other parts of our life, we learn how to be better parents. Kids can remember the pain - and that means they can appreciate all the more the changes that come when we work our Twelve Steps!
Another addict shares, "I have approximately twenty months clean and the most peculiar thing has been happening in my life lately. I have an eight months old little girl and an eight year old son. My son was sick all this past week with strep throat and I was quarantined with him in the house for three days. I did all the responsible things I was supposed to do as a parent . . . made sure he got his medicine, watched cartoons with him, called the school and went and got his schoolwork to work on at home, all while still providing my 8 month old with the constant care and attention an infant needs. Then, he started feeling better and I went to a meeting, not giving a lot of thought to the events of my son's sickness or the way I handled myself and the situation. That weekend my 8-month-old daughter spent the night with her grandma for the first time. This was the first time she and I had been apart for any substantial length of time. I found myself constantly thinking about her and how she was doing. I perceived this as worrying. "I have always heard the old saying "worrying is a lack of faith." I kept telling myself this all day but I still found myself worrying. Then I started "beating myself up" because I started thinking that my faith must not be as strong as I thought it was. That scared me. I started feeling really distressed. I went to a meeting and was talking to another addict outside before the meeting about everything that was going on in my head. And their reply was . . . 'Lady, you have feelings today. Isn't that great?' When I started thinking about that, it was almost like an awakening of sorts . . . In the past in active addiction, I was glad when my child was gone somewhere to spend the night. That gave me more freedom to use. And when my child was sick, I was usually too involved with myself to give him his medicine, or would send him to his grandma's so I didn't have to deal with it.
"Today, through the program of NA, I have developed a sense of what it means to be a parent. I have feelings. When my children are not with me, I miss them. And yes, I worry about them somewhat, as a Mother should. It's not a lack of faith in my higher power I was experiencing today but a lesson of growth and progress from my higher power. Today, I know the things I need to do: take care of me first and foremost is not using. Because of doing that, I have truly learned how to care about others especially with my children. What a precious gift!"
Parenting is the most important job in the world and the only job for which there is no formal training. The human nuclear family composed of mother, father, siblings and relatives is the basic structure. In some families, parts are missing. Frustration gets taken out on children. A parent can tell a child to shut up or they will understand when they grow up and not be further questioned. With the many sad things that still happen, it is a wonder that kids make it through childhood at all!
We take care of our children, nurturing them, planning for them and keep the connection open. As they grow into puberty and young adulthood, all those hormones wake up and the lessons we have taught them must stand the test of reality. Our children must test what they have learned, just as we review what we think and recall in recovery. The bond between a person and their children works both ways. If we have told them things that are not real, they will let us know. If we see them going wrong, we sometimes see that it is just that they do not know better and can step in to help. Sometimes, they help us see ourselves better. With the right attitude, we can grow from that.
As they grow up and leave home, our parenting does not stop. They will come to us with questions and visit to see how we are doing. One of the goals of the clean life is to be as awake as we can and fully live our lives. Sometimes our children will live out our fantasies and often they will go their own way. In any case, we remain attentive and let them know we care. In time, they will have children of their own and we may be fortunate enough to be included in their family life. If we have included them in ours, chances are they will include us in theirs.
Please, step up to the plate if you see a need and organize some kind of child care provisions in your homegroup. If you see the need. If there truly is a need, people will help you. That's the way it works. Area, Region, or NAWS cannot do this for your group, you must do it for yourselves. Some large groups pay a group member's son or daughter to watch the kids. In many locations, there is a separate room for children as in a church Fellowship hall. Other times three or four group members take turns during the meeting. Whatever you work out, make it good for the kids. Some parents donate toys to a box kept in a closet at the meeting place. Children running, playing, or disrupting the recovery meeting will grate on some members. Many or our members are uneasy around small children and do not know how to behave. Even happy children bother them. So, this is more than a matter of being nice, it is part of the Groups 5th Tradition.
What a difference NA makes! As stated many times in this chapter, our 12 Step recovery process includes our children every step of the way. When we learn to surrender, the children learn they can admit fault and not be punished. When we discover a Higher Power, the energy we receive is transferred to them as well. When we turn our live and will over, the kids are also let off the 'hook.' When we inventory and make amends, all the fear, pain and confusion of our lives is removed and is simply not there to pass on to the little people. As we learn the many ways God has taken care of and looked out for us, we realize the same God has been looking out for our babies. The 10th Step, prayer, meditation and spiritual principles are passed on to our children as we learn them and apply to all our lives. We don't have to play God anymore, we let our Higher Power do that! A person without a higher power is their own God.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
