I have a friend at work who recently confessed to me she uses oxycotin and sometimes heroin. Of course, I got butterflies in my stomach just thinking about having a connection "just in case". Anyway today I found myself waiting for her in the parking garage because I wanted to ask her if she could get me anything... of course I left... but just the thought of being so close and turning around is almost a high in itself for me. I see how far I can push myself and still walk away. It is almost as if I am begging for a relapse... but I can't figure out why. It is so hard for me to open up because no one at my job knows I am a recovering addict and the only people I can talk to is my mom and boyfriend and I don't want to sound like a dissapointment because after nine months clean I still want to use. I just thank God that I have found a place to vent and get all of my feelings out.
Glad you chose not to give in to your urges. Everytime I say "no" to my head, that much farther away I move from drugs and drug-related atmosphere. Every "No" strengthens me.
Steffy, you shared an interesting aspect about us addicts, about how far we can push ourselves. I went to any lengths to get my drug while using. it was self-destructive behavior then. But later on, when I was a few days clean, I realized that this trait of an addict can be turned to my advantage. I knew that I could go to any lengths to stay clean too, in the same way, if I chose...
That self-destructive addictive behavior became perseverance and steadfastness in my recovery
I'd suggest to you from my own experiences and that of others I know in NA that trying to share our distinct problems of addiction be done with people who've been there, who know what it is that we're going through, like you do here with us rather than with our loved ones who, I've found, at times just cannot understand what we're going through even if they want to... Just a suggestion
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
And yes, the most important thing that I wanted to say to you Steffy...
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BIG 9 MIRACULOUS MONTHS OF RECOVERY!!!
Way to go, Keep the miracle alive...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I have found that I can't stay clean on my own. I need other addicts in my life. My family doesn't understand so their best efforts were not enough. Try a meeting a day for 90 days.
Well said JasonD, nobody can understand unless they have been there. At the meetings you will feel the determination of many people working to stay clean. This is what really helped me. Try to catch some meetings Steffy they will help even when you don't know the meetings are helping, have some faith, look to your higher power for guidance.
Kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
