Addiction by definition possesses a driven quality where we might tend to approach recovery and working the program in the same compulsive manner with which we approached our lives while using. But the spirit of this program is Gentleness. The 12-Step path is a gentle way, where love and acceptance are two vital channels in creating change and growth in our recovery.

One of my online NA friends once wrote to me, "know that there is a Higher Power who loves you now, this very moment, as you are, unconditionally." That was an a-ha moment for me then as I was trying hard to whip myself into abstinence and somehow force myself to change. It just did not work. I realized that a large part of the resultant frustration was due to my inability to accept myself as I was. I was chronically dissatisfied with self. Further, I let my fears rule over me and tried hard to use these fears to gain control over these unsatisfactory areas of my life, and that meant I had no trust, or even faith, that a Power greater than myself could help me, would take care of me...

That night after reading what this friend of mine had written to me, I got this sudden thought that if my Higher Power could unconditionally accept me and love me exactly for what I am (with all my faults and flaws), who am I to be dissatisfied with myself? Why can't I do the same? How can I do that? Also, a realization hit me that my Higher Power IS in charge, not me, that my Higher Power IS taking care of me, that I don't have to give in to my fears.

Stay in the solution not the problem.

For me that means stay the hell out of my head, stay out of negative thoughts, stay out of the compulsion to use and bad places and with the wrong people.


Stay in;

Prayer

Literature

Sponsors

MEETINGS

STEPS

Read step 12 thats a wonderful place to be and it's also a GOAL to make, my sister is working the 12th step with her sponsor last night and she was getting down on herself for taking so long. All I could think of was to tell her how proud I was of her for getting to the 12th step and what a great place that was to be and to go ahead and finish now. She has lots of sponsees at 40 she just had a baby for the first time, she has a loving husband and a home and a good job. I see a definte personality change in her and even some spirituality LOL this was one tough mean little gal who could have cared less about another person, life had always been all about her but that has changed in this 11 years she's been clean.

We stay clean one day at a time one moment, one incident. We dont let negativety and hopelessness rule our thoughts anymore we can be successful we can make something good of our lives today we do look foreward to happiness, we dont look back much because we're looking foreward for once in our lives.

I heard a guy in a meeting on monday he is a sponsor and he said in all the years he'd been clean and gotten to know a lot of folks he watched a lot of them come and go and that it was painsul as hell seeing them go but he hung on. Thats what each of us who are in service have got to do hang on for the next newcomer who walks thru the doors or walks BACK thru we are the solution and proof that this program can and does work.

I came in and out for years, when I came back I saw the same faces, I would wonder HOW the hell do they do it and i asked, I finally understand how they do it and its not easy all the time, the hard MOMENTS can be walked threw with willingness and desire they pass. I have not had a compulsion to use in months thats a MIRACLE we are all miracles today and Blessed by a higher power for giving us this gift, always be thankful always give back what you have because thats is the  glues that holds this thing together

Thank you vini for that awesome share. Glad I read it

when i was moving out the dresser today in one of my drawers i found an old jewelry box and i was like oh wonder whats in this. i opened it up and it was full of using paraphernalia. the works, everything - im not going into the bloody gory details but it made me physically ill stumbling onto that little treasure. I can't believe i was Ok living like that - that it was once 'normal' for me to have crap like that stashed away. Its only been 38 days but I feel like a completely different person already. Every time i take a break from working I go outside and read the NA book, so at least i was a little more mentally prepared for what i found. Thank God that trash is out of my house, Thank God i don't have to live like that anymore. this whole redecorating thing has become like a cleansing process for me, both inside and out.

My sponsor is out of town at the NA world convention, along with my 2 'back-up' sponsors. and tomorrow I'm about to get a nice sized chunk of money and I'm just a little bit worried about how I'll handle that much cash all at once. I haven't had that much cash all at the same time in years, and if i did it would have been gone in 2 days. all i can say is thank god I'm clean because if I had gotten that money 38 days ago i don't know if i would be here. But I'm pretty sure I know what to do with it now. I'm opening up a savings account and I'm not getting a checkbook or anything so that the only way i can access it is to go physically to the bank, then I'm saving it for a downpayment or anything else i might need once i become responsible enough to do things like make downpayments lol. i haven't even had a bank account in over 10 years. this is all new stuff to me.

lol Kenh I totally relate - its like an adventure!
If I had only gotten my money a couple days earlier I would have liked to try to make it to the NA world convention with everyone, but there will be other conventions, area and regional, that I can make next time. And with all the work I'm doin right now I wanted to get this done instead of taking off for a few days out of town. Although I'm sure it would have been a great experience for me. But my sponsor's pickin me up a t-shirt lol. I just hope It doesnt say:
"My Sponsor Went to the NA World Convention and all I got was this Lousy T-shirt"


(joking, joking, I can't WAIT to get my very first NA t-shirt lol)




-- Edited by Keli at 06:36, 2007-08-31

Thats awesome Raman, hope you have a good show. take care out there on the road
(((hugs)))

yay Keli and Kenh ;
u can't imagine the strength and hope I get each time I read ur sharings.
its 2 in th morn ,shows over,had a great time and now I think
*another day clean,another day won *
really lov yall for being there fr an isollated addict like me,bless u

Love you too Raman. Hugs and Love.