Tonight i was on my way to a meeting, and i saw a kid from my dorm that i knew, and something inside me just i dunno, i asked him if he knew where i could get some H, and he said yeah, and so he got in my car and we went and got dope instead of me going to the meeting, and i don't know what to do, i've fucking ruined everything. this was supposed to be my safe place, where i couldn't get dope, where i could start over and get clean, and stay clean for the last time. i don't even know what to think about myself right now, i think i should stay off the message board for a little while until i clean up my act. i'm sorry you guys, i really thought i could do it this time. i was very wrong..
Hi Juniper, thanks for being honest. Don't let a stumble slow you down. Shut down the H as soon as you possibly can. We are all supporting you here at NA. You are welcome back as always. Life is too good on the clean side. It takes time to figure it out, I know you are smart, you will be back on the NA recovery team. See you back soon. I feel for you.
Yours in recovery Kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
I can't tell you how many times I fell i'm sure it's a 3 digit number.
You get it when you get it , everyones time table is different usually it takes a great deal of pain and suffering your a young man only you can know and only you can decide when your done .
I can tell you how I got this far thru all i've been thru ( prayer ) and I have been threw a lot, jails intitutions and near death only thing left for me was recovery and or death , I got scared really scared and igot sick an tired or hating my life the way it was going, real sick. I got tired of being in prisons and even when I wasn't in prison I was a prisoner to my addiction I was a slave and Iwanted to be a real man.
I'm still working on being a man, the addiction is arrested for today, try doing it one hour at a time, at all cost you must remain willing at all times even when the compulsion and obsession to use strikes ( as it will most of us some time or another) you must remain in the willing state of mind to do whatever necessary to remain clean that is #1 no matter whats going on in your head, in your gut.
You keep coming back Scott we Love you not matter and we understand.
we're addicts. Things like this happen. Relapse is not the end of any chance at recovery. Read the chapter 'relapse and recovery' in the NA book.
I hate this disease. It scares the crap out of me. And seeing someone relapse who i know wanted to stay clean scares the crap out of me. I mean after all the horrible things that drugs has done to my life, I would have to be insane to want to use again? And yet we're addicts and there is a part of us bent on our own self-destruction.
Just because you relapsed doesn't mean you can't try again. Your in my thoughts and prayers and remember there is absolutely no shame in coming back.
We do love you Scott and hell yes we do understand
-- Edited by Keli at 06:24, 2007-08-29
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
I believe we have a choice and that we are responsible for our recovery,,, thats why the practice of saying NO is very important in my recovery !!! People pleaseibng behaviour carries us deeper into our addiction,,, we need to change old playgrounds,playmates and playthings !!! The Basic Text also asks us if we are sure we want to stop using !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
get up, brush your self off and get back on the horse, thats all.
i've had that... 'i dunno something inside me'
that something inside is my addiction
its powerful my friend, it wants me to use, to fall...it wants control, it leads to death in the long run, for some its not a long run its a short run
changing residence doesn't "cure', it provides a short term escape, believe me i've been there. If i want it bad enough i will find it, it is so powerful that at times it finds me. A solid foundation in recovery is my only course of action. Step 1,2,3 I am powerless over drugs I believe in a power greater than myself i make a decision, often more than once a day, to turn my will and my life over to my higher power not making a decision IS making a decision
So after a relapse i get to beat myself up cause my addiction wants me to believe that i'm not good enough, not strong enough. And.... over my lifetime i got used to beating myself up .... that is an addiction in itself.
I am an addict, using drugs in any form is normal to me. What recovery has given me is a daily reprieve from active addiction IF i do what i NEED, before i do what i WANT.
Just a thought here, addiction wants me to isolate.... stay with us scott and share, we NEED you and WANT you here with us.
Just because you fell doesn't mean you aren't getting it this time. A taste of recovery really muddled with my using. Spirit is stronger than ego.
I can relate with what happened with you. I've been through that many times myself. Never forget, relapse can and does happen. It's not a sign of failure, and cleantime is not a sign of success as we sometimes tend to measure our recovery with. Read "Recovery and Relapse" from our Basic Text or the IP of the same name or from our Little White Booklet.
It's only when I relapsed did I made it a point to be at meetings, share about it with others, and get the support that I need to come out of it. You had been clean for 15 days. That proves you CAN stay clean with the help of NA. NA is not for those who have gotten their act together. NA, most importantly, is for those who want to get their act together. Keep coming back, and better yet, STAY WITH US. I was always part of NA, using or not using, a few days clean or a few years clean. I'm neither below nor above than others and vice versa.
usually, the tendency to feel ashamed of myself just because I picked up again is an addictive trait that tricks me into avoiding NA (as it can come in between my using) and thus conveniently getting back to using again forawhile. Dont trust this feeling. Ask yourself this, if you had a different disease instead of addiction, say cardiac, and if you relapse with a fresh heart stroke, would you feel ashamed that you've relapsed in your cardiac illness? We have a disease, and as such, we can relapse (against our will at times). That is what powerlessness is all about. But with the help of 12 Steps and applying them in our daily lives, WE DO RECOVER!
I love you my recovery brother. YOU ARE A MIRACLE! All we have is today, and that's all we need. Hope you continue to share your pain and joy and everything in between with us. Don't give up. Keep coming back!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
It took me more than a few "fuck ups" to find my path. I started using when I was thirteen and every other day for five years it was my last time using. You can't let the bumps in the road stop your journey to serenity. There is dope in every city in the world... there is no safe haven... there is no bubble around you with a sign saying you are a recovering addict. You just have to make a concious decision everyday that using is not the answer. I live in Atlantic City and we have a street called Pacific Avenue where all the dealers and prostiutes are... and sometimes I just drive down the street to see what happens... subconciously I want someone to offer me drugs and it has happened but I have become able to resist and you can too. Of course I still want to use sometimes... everytime a girl at work says she does pills or coke or heroin I get a giddy feeling inside but you have to know that drugs create more trouble than pleasure and it is not worth going back to where you were.
Hugs Juniper and keep coming back!! Like what everyone else has shared, some of us don't get this the first time....just having the DESIRE for a new way of life, one without using, is all it takes....get back to meetings, no matter what!!!
Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up and think you are a failure because you aren't. YOU are an ADDICT and addicts use. Until we work the steps with a sponsor, chances are we might just pick up and not mean to....because we don't know what else to do. And yes, we will go looking for it because we don't know how to stop from doing that....I don't know, this addiction is a serious thing today....
Please keep coming back.....it will work for you!! Don't give up 5 minutes before the MIRACLE HAPPENS because it will happen if you keep coming back :)
Love ya brother......BIG NA HUGS to ya....Glora
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
