I drove to hang out with this kid i met at a meeting, and we were going to go to a hookah bar, cuz we both love to smoke (i know i'll get cancer, im working on quitting, but at the moment tobacco keeps me sane) but it was closed... so we went bowling, bowling! i haven't been bowling since i was a little kid, i was pretty awful but it was a lot of fun, and only 2 dollars per game and shoes! and the scenery that i saw driving out of the city into the country was beautiful, great view of the rocky mountains, but then my car broke down, and so it ended my day of fun really fast, and now i don't have a way to get to meetings for like a week... or get out of the city, kinda bummed me out, some kids invited me to go get breakfest with them tomorrow and then go to church after, i haven't been to church in a long while, but since God, you know (the traditional christian version) is my higher power i suppose i should start investing into that a bit, i just feel so guilty, you know i've only prayed like 5 times in the last few years, and they were all emergency 911 prayers lol, like god please make such and such happen and i'll stop doing drugs..etc.. i just feel sort of unworthy to go to church. things that i do that normal people do for fun feel sort of empty and hallow, they are still fun, but just not what i feel it should be, you know, since i've been clean everything i do feels empty, when does this go away so i can just start enjoying life the way it's ment to be? okay, well im going to go wash my feet now, you never know who else has been wearing those bowling shoes.. haha..
Hey Juniper! I relate to the emptiness thing, using drugs filled a void and when I got clean I needed a way to fill it. From my own experience, which is not very much, I've just tried to read the book and do the steps and become active in my homegroup. The book tells us, "The First Step has left a vacuum in our lives. We need to find something to fill that void. This is the purpose of the Second Step." (page 23)
From what I gather that to mean is that a Higher Power can fill the void that living without drugs causes us to feel.
Also, for me, becoming more active in my homegroup instead of just going to meetings has been a HUGE boost. I went to the group conscious last night for the first time and I volunteered for the cleaning committee. My sponsor jumped right into service work when she was just 30 days clean and she thought it was a great idea. I'm not ready to chair meetings or be a secretary or anything, but i can certainly sweep and empty some trash cans to make the place look better, and have more of a sense of belonging. I can honestly say that after hittin the meetings, praying, and volunteering for a little service work that right now, just for today, the void, the emptiness has gone away and there is no compulsion to use drugs. Which is kind of amazing. Its a dam miracle really.
My boyfriend thinks I'm getting a little too zealous about 'my little meetings' as he calls them, and that has caused some arguments. I'm trying to deal with that drama right now and pray about what the right thing to do in this situation is. But my Higher Power and meetings HAS to come first, before him, before my family, before anything in my life, because if i don't stay clean then I don't have a life.
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
I guess i should start calling the numbers that i've been givin at meetings, it's just hard for me, like i feel too proud to call someone to talk to when i need help, yet i wasn't too proud to ruin my life? I think i might go downtown and sign up for some real hardcore volunteering for the city, maybe that will put some self-worth back into me, there is this kid i was talking to not too long ago outside the dorms who does the AA thing and has been sober for about a year, he's a real "tough guy" but when we were talking he opened up big time to me and we talked about recovery and he told me i need to get a sponser and telling me that my life is going to be so great once i find my groove in recovery, it's so crazy and cool at the same time that the meetings can teach people even "tough guys" to be comfortable talking about personal stuff, i dunno my talk with him really boosted my morale.
As for the getting active in the home group, its hard, because everyone seems to know each other so well, and i feel like the odd man out, even though they were more than friendly and made sure i stuck around to talk with them after the meeting, infact they wouldn't let me leave for like an hour, i was their hostage lol
Gods sake Juniper,,, for crying out loud,,,, car troubles,,, my morning began bad that day,,,, i was hurrying to the airport to catch a two and a half hour flight for a big event !!! I dropped a friend off at his place and was cussing about having to do that and probably be late for the flight !!! So I begin to clip,, then it happens= I see speedbreaker too late and stamp on the brakes,,,the jeep skids,, hits the speedbreaker sideways,,,then just ups and falls over to the side,,, thank God man Id got my seat belt on !! I was shocked how a great week till then was suddenly bizzare,,, what Im now learning (it happened on Friday early morn) this Sunday is that Im responsible for my own safety and sanity !! Ive been mentally blaming this one and that and also trying to get back and change things which I obviously cannot do !! For Gods sake,, I never want to be in that situation,,,I know all this madness begins much before,, so now Im trying to identify thoughts that led me to hurry,cuss, etc,,,,all singns of abuse= abuse of friends, abuse of my Jeep, abuse of the sanity I had till the insanity set in etc.etc.etc !!! I was really upset when i saw that look of shock and the teardrop in my little girls eys,, she looked terrified about what had happened to dad !! Just for today I never want to do that again,, I thank God Im not injured,, I thank God i did a great show and was acknowledged by the client and the other musicians and DJ,, thank God the blaming is stopping and im seeing this as a way to take on a New Attitude to this problem of over work and over stress !! Going to have to get very honest with some people in my life after all,,, to prevent any more such abuse !! And so many times this happens cause I have a car and they dont !!! so i become a @#$%^^&* convenience for them !!! so help me God to get honest and try a different approach !!
-- Edited by Raman at 05:58, 2007-08-26
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman Thank God you are OK!!! What a terrifying wake-up call! Sounds like it was a really nasty wreck. Thank God your ok and that your even using it as a learning experience. As drug addicts why do we have to have such hard lessons? It seems like we have to take things right to the brink before God reaches down and gives us a good slap upside the head. Scary!
Juniper feeling like the odd man (girl) out is exactly why I wanted to do some small bit of service work. I've only been going to meetings a little over 30 days now but after going every day and making sure I stayed and talked to people at least a little bit before I left, Its really started to feel like I know people now. Just keep doin what your doin, it sounds like your doin great.
After listening to people talk if theres someone who says stuff that really clicks with you, and if they have a respectable amount of clean time, get their number and use it. There's a saying 'Stick with the Winners', people who are really serious about being clean. Find one of the Winners for your sponsor, even if they are older than you or look like someone you would never hang out with in 'real life'. At first when I got a new sponsor and her number I was kinda afraid to call her because I didn't want to be bugging her all the time, especially after she's just gone through a family emergency thats been hard on her, but she's told me and other people have told me as well, that having a sponsor and buggin the crap out of them is exactly what I need to be doing lol. Sponsorship is a two way street and her talking to me helps her also (at least thats what she says lol).
Thats funny about the 'tough guy' thing because that's exactly why my boyfriend doesn't want to try any more meetings, he doesn't like all the 'touchy feely crap' but if he only knew some of the guys I've heard share. They look like people I would definitely not want to meet in a dark alley and then they share and sometimes even bring tears to my eyes and its just a trip lol.
-- Edited by Keli at 08:39, 2007-08-26
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Hi Juniper, if you have some friends that want to take you to church go and check it out. There is always an excuse for not doing the right things, too tough (not), too proud (why), too tired (not), it's foolish (no way), makes me feel foolish (why), got better things to do (probably not). Check out why you can't go and you might find out that you can when you finally figure out that you need to go to a higher power.
Kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
Great shares everyone thanks I really needed to connect to you all this morning.
Crackin me up (Scott) Thank God you are alright Raman, glad you are getting to know others Keli you too are doing great. Ken you give great support and wisdom to all, thanks all of you for taking the time to psot and share.
This is my thought this morning, real life will not have that powerful effect drugs brought us I had to come to terms with that , the drug I used was very powerful and euphoric it hit like a train slamming into my brain and heart, it was an overwhelming experience, the excitement inside of me before that first hit made me sick with anticipation, I knew what i could expect, I knew what i was about to get and I loved it, more then anything and I gave my life over to that feeling and it nearly destroyed my life.
So lifes a little dull even gloomy at times. We have to face these THINGS and events that can become difficult and irritating , frustration can rule our day if we allow it to. There are moments so overwhelmingly frustrating that i have got to STOP and take inventory, take a look at what i'm about to say and do.
HALT hungry angry lonely tired thats usually how the inventory starts out am I any of these things? Yes usually one of them at least I have been all 4 at once DANGER DANGER !!!!
All I can say is that life is good NO its beter then good its great and wonderful if I look at it that way , I can always find something wrong in a perfect situation the negative rules my thoughts in a less then perfect situation I can blow a mole hill into a MOUNTAIN.
Easy does it, this program gives us something to grab hold of and helps us threw.
If we choose to not grab hold of this thing then these events can roll down hill and gain strength and power over us, the ball gets bigger and we get deeper into discomfort, become less spiritual and less into the solution.
Based on our experience, we believe that every addict, including the "potential" addict, suffers from an incurable disease of body, mind and spirit. We were in the grip of a hopeless dilemma, the solution of which is spiritual in nature. Therefore, this book will deal with spiritual matters
For me personally that is the solution after finding and know what that solution is it's up to me to decide whether I use it many many times thru my day I don't and my day sucks but when I do life is great :) I know it works
As for the getting active in the home group, its hard, because everyone seems to know each other so well...
Well, they know each other that well because they kept coming back, kept doing service for the group, actually began having those "new" relationships they never had in active addiction. It's a beautiful thing but we have to realize, everything takes time in recovery (it's a four letter word for some addicts LOL).
Everything's a process that we learn to trust so don't be too hard on yourselves because we can't afford to do that today....easy does it :)
I'm so proud of you guys.....and grateful Raman that you came out of the wreck intact WOW sounds so scarey!!!
Love and Hugs to all :)
-- Edited by NA_ROCKS at 13:50, 2007-08-26
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
So sorry that you had an accident, but SO GLAD YOU'RE SAFE!
Just like someone was sharing why we addicts have to go through such painful experiences, I'd like to add that we addicts are also lucky at the same time to be completely enveloped by the love of our Higher Power who carries us through these turbulent times safely to the other side and on top of that, gives us a priceless piece of wisdom from those experiences
Great posts on this thread. Thanks family. Keep sharing. I need it all, your shares are my drug of choice today in my recovery... keeps me in high spirits... lol...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I thank you Tahir and Keli for your concern,,, yes,,, I really cant understand fully why i have to stretch my rubber band that much !!! I think in my case its a need to do things differently that get me in trouble,,, oh,ha,ha,ha,,,,i think that gets us back to the line about our best thinking got us into trouble,,, now I go one Step ahead of that to tell myself that sometimes the best isnt good enough,,,, simply because its better to do something thats good rather than try to do the best and get into trouble,,, and yes,,, still life goes on,,,with more questions to lifes answers,,, rather than the other way round,,,, simply cause ,, LIFES GOT THIS NATURE OF ALWAYS BEING ONE STEP AHEAD OF MY BEST THINKING<<<< I thank GOD I GOT GOD !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
and yes,,, many times in my recovery ive tried to cram too much into one day,,,,, and life gets unmanageable again !! oh no not again,,,, i wish there was someway I can tell myself "oh my God,,, I never want to do that again" and then never do that again !!! so help me God !!!!
(or maybe get a chip inserted in my brain thatll give me the right answers and the right actions all the time for the rest of my life,,,but wont that become a trifle boring,,,never having to make mistakes,,, can the Self take that ???)
-- Edited by Raman at 16:55, 2007-08-26
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thank God you are alright Raman, glad you are getting to know others Keli you too are doing great. Ken you give great support and wisdom to all, thanks all of you for taking the time to psot and share.
