I have been clean for 14 months except 1 relapse about 4 months ago. In my own mind I don't really count it. I do at the meetings to be honest to my fellow NA people.
I have been working with an old friend of mine and we started some business together and we are doing okay. I have not gained the respect or integrity back that I had before. I am pretty sure that there has been gossip around our offices as well. I can see that people still don't trust my decisions or my word like it used to be. Before if I mentioned something people would takes notes and pay attention. Now it seems like they are waiting to ask some one else if I am taking the right direction. I am thinking of leaving the partership, but I do wonder at times if I am over reacting. I struggle with this on a daily basis. Many times I become upset at e-mails people have sent to me, as I always think they are against me or trying to undermine my authority. I really feel lost some times. Thanks for listening.
Kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
Boy I just gave you love now I have to give you tough love LOL, take it lightly though Kenh.
If you relapsed then you start the count down all over this is something you are going to have to accept, I have tried doing the same thing IN MY MIND but the reality is I RELAPSED after over 5 years , I took a fall and went back to my old ideas and thinking and acting, I GOT HIGH period....
We have to stop lying to ourselves or we don't get well accepting that we're DISHONEST with ourselves which in turn will make us dishonest with others. This I believe is part of the illness we all have we try to justify, minimize and lie to ourselves over everything that doesn't go right. I use the word failure lightly but in honesty we failed to use the tools necessary to staying clean somewhere along the way we lost the desire to stay clean that is what needs looking in to, the WHY? the what got me here to this point that i needed to use drugs again? the how can I avoid this from happening again, where did I fall short of my goal of staying clean? Where did my spirituality go? what happened to H.O.W ?
As far as people trusting you again that just takes time. I had a chat with my boss yesterday and he trusted my judgment on a situation we were in, he knows I did everthing I could with this thing that went down , I did my part it's others who didn't do there parts and i walked out of his office with my head high ( yes it was shaking left to right ) and secure in that I made good choices I was actually proud of how I handled it because before it would have been different then again I did hang up on the gal who books our jobs from the office a few days ago I got so angry and frustrated dealing with ignorance I lost it LOL I immediatley apologized but the hang up didn't go over real well with her, nor was it acceptable behavior to me.
All I can tell you Kenh is self honesty is the most important thing here, facing ones self and who we are is a tough job but it has got to be done or everything we did before will stay the same, nothing changes if nothing changes.....
Thanks for sharing. You mention that you had a relapse just 4 months back. I believe that the cleantime and recovery I had before my relapses does not go waste. They did teach me a lot and proved to me that recovery is possible, that I can stay clean if I desire so. But a lot happens when an addict relapses. My last relapse was merely for 2 days, not much using. But apart from physical problems, I lost my hard-earned sanity, clarity and emotional stability by releasing my addiction all over again through that small relapse. I did not feel the same after I came back.
I could not just resume my educational pursuits. I could not just go back to my job as if nothing happened. I could not feel the self-worth and the strength that I felt before the relapse. I had to start from scratch all over again. So I went through all the fears, doubts, even paranoia, low or no self-esteem, emotional turmoil, fledgling thoughts and wavering moods that swinged wildly from one extreme to another... One thing I strongly practiced during those first few months of my recovery was that I did not fight these thoughts and feelings. I acknowledged their presence but neither trusted them nor took them to be the truth. With a few people's support, I realized that these thoughts and feelings that threaten me and make me uncertain are just that - mere thoughts and feelings. They are temporary, that I have now come to realize that every addict has to go through once they get clean in their first few months or the first year of recovery. They pass. Things ain't the same as I approached 8-9 months cleantime, and even better when I was between 1 year and 18 months.
I suggest you try the same. Please don't act out on these fears and doubts. Don't give in to these concerns. Give yourself sometime. Work the program and then later when you look back at this period, I'm sure you'd be able to look back at these feelings and situations with others in their proper perspectives. They would no more have a hold on your being. Just continue doing the good work one day at a time.
Applying Step One and admitting our powerlessness over others and how they behave surely sets us free from giving them the power to control us, or better yet, admitting our unmanageability over our own thoughts and feelings allows us to stop fighting with these thoughts and from reacting on them.
Open your mind to a Power greater than your powerlessness and unmanageability that can help you, guide you through this all, this Power can manage our thoughts and feelings too for us if we only turn them over to this Power. Acceptance, Patience and Faith in your Higher Power I have found as the most powerful tools in troubled times like the one you're going through even today in my recovery. When we practice the program, people see the transformation within us, they grow to respect and admire us. We don't have to work on that part but, we only need to work the program, and the rest, I have come to experience, is given unto us, in our Higher Power's own time and when we are ready
-- Edited by Tahir at 12:33, 2007-08-22
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Wow, thank you BigV and Tahir. You did get me to think of the root cause of my problems. I am still in the victim mode. I need to get back out of it. I really did take a step backwards with that relapse and I was and still am afraid to realize how much it has affected me. I did drop my religion and I was "too busy" for meetings as well. That is where I went wrong. I can't let this happen again. I have begun my prayers today. When I get to an area that has meetings, I will get to one. Thank you both for your concern and help. I feel much better with a clear path of letting God handle my thoughts and direction. God bless you both. Your comments really mean alot to me.
In recovery, Kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
I thank God for Tahir , Raman and others who post here there writings of ESH reveal so much to me that i'm unable to process and think out myself, it's why I love and NEED this place so much.
Kenh we've all been dropped to our knees, asking WHAT! what do I have to do what went wrong how can change this. We try the best we can but theres always a hitch always something disturbing to us and this is why we have GOT to grab ahold of spirituality , thats the tool that changes our actions and behaviors which effect our moods and our recovery.
It'S NoT EZ, yesterday i was getting upset and i had to stop my head and pray I asked God to show me another way, he did, it was so hard not to self will it, this all takes practice everything takes practice and once we see different results then what we normally get we use that new found choice.
I can tell your doing good right where you Kenh just keep walkin the walk.
Thanks for the support and direction. It is always helpful. All of you people here are helping me so much. I will try to give back some as well. The taking has been really great for my recovery.
Thanks and love to you all,
Kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
You ARE giving back Ken by your presence here Thank you so much for that. I'm grateful I have you in my daily recovery, and all other kindred spirits here who really ROCK!!!
Anyone heard from Blithe lately?
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
You ARE giving back Ken by your presence here Thank you so much for that. I'm grateful I have you in my daily recovery, and all other kindred spirits here who really ROCK!!!
AMEN, thanks so much for sharing and being here Ken.
