So today is my one week clean time. I thought i'd be more excited, but today i've felt pretty whatever, but not too bad. I met a girl my dorm building who has gone to NA meetings, and she is going to college here to help her quit using also. it's nice talking to someone, but we sort of make each other feel bad, because we only talk about how much we want to use, but I guess that is what happens when two people who only have a week clean each do when they get together. Neither of us know anyone in this city so i'm not too worried about it contributing to the end of my clean time.
This College Algebra class is probably the one thing that is causing me the most stress, my brain just won't work with this lack of sleep, i just stare at the math problems and my eyes glaze over and i start drooling on myself. hah. but really i just can't seem to remember how the professor explained how to do this homework.
I know i haven't really come off as very appreciative to you guys, but honestly i don't know what i would do without you, to read my nonsense, it would just be me in my mind, and that would have been a lot more mental pain. I mean i've met a few people, that are okay, but i'm still really lonely here, i know this sounds stupid, but i feel like the only one going through this in the world at this particular time, which is absurd, but i dunno, this experience just makes me feel so alone and cut off from the rest of humanity. I guess it's on to another day, i know i'm supposed to go day by day, but thinking about if i can get another week under my belt and have two weeks, well, that just sounds mighty fine to me. thanks for reading my whining.
way to go!!!! i think back on the strength it took me to get one week clean... you are strong Juniper, you are courageous, you are a miracle.! Today i still need that strength and courange, I get it from my meetings. I too moved to a new city not long before i started my recovery...i knew one person, and he used. Before i knew it i had my own ways to find what i wanted. Cunning...baffling...and oh so powerful the disease of addiction!! On nov 10 of last year i moved into a womens shelter...was going to meetings..went home for christmas...drank and smoked pot, figured i was ok cause i didn't do crack..didn't tell anyone at my meetings...carried that load for awhile...meantime it ate away at me...i finally came clean at NA and now have a clean date of dec 28. I have a new family, with Narcotics Anonymous. I have met so many wonderful people through the program. We share our experience, strength and hope. Any time i feel down or weak i have a family that cares and loves me to wellness. I know from experience that i can't travel this road alone, and the great thing is i don't have to :)
You are not alone Juniper, I know that feeling of feeling cut off from humanity, i lived it most of my life. Today life in recovery is a CHOICE, i can go back to that hell i lived anytime, i know it waits patiently for me. Today I matter, my life matters. Trust me when I say that NA will welcome you with open arms. What have you got to lose? Keep coming back, you are very important here, you are very important to me! Wendy
Congrats on 7 miracles! The first week was the hardest for me too, I was goin crazy. I was told to just keep making meetings and to get some numbers from other clean addicts and to 'stick with the winners'. Today is a milestone for me too, 30 days clean today
I totally relate to what your going through - lots of sleepless nights sweating and tossing and turning and watching the sun come up. But its gotten better and last night I actually slept the whole night through and woke up after the sun was up - man that felt good lol. Thank God I didn't have to do algebra too! I think you are very courageous for sticking to your classes through all this.
wantneeda speaks truth, we are not alone in this deal. You have a whole new family in the program, and thank God for that. Here's to another day clean!
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
I know what one week feels like. I remember it pretty clear. It feels like everyone is kind of a fool. It feels like I am basically cured. It feels like I can handle it and go to school at the same time. I know what you are thinking and it is wrong, it will take about 30 days to get the crickets out of your head and get thinking straight and clean.
You need to trust the people that have been through this stuff. You have to go to the meetings. Listen and learn. Tune out the whinning and you will hear some things that make sense. You can do this on your own but it is alot easier to work with the NA group. Everyone knows what you are going through. Spill it out and we will respond, we will understand as well. Hang in there. Take it day by day and know that you are getting better every day. Thinking too much is hard on the head. You know deep down that you are heading in the right direction. Keep it up Juniper. You are doing good.
In recovery Kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
CONGRATULATIONS on 7 MIRACLES Juniper!!! YOU are a MIRACLE :) Hang in there, one day is all we gotta get through at one time....just today.
As far as trying to remember what the professor said on working problems, I found myself taking notes (writing them all out) on each problem so I could review them later as they were needed for the homework later....took some time to see that.... :) I was also real good at looking through the book for the example I needed to work a problem; they are there if you look through the chapters :) Much luck with the college algebra....hey, I did it so anyone can !!!!
Kinda like this program....I saw so many who had actually worked the steps and were recovering a day at a time....and I wanted what they had....and that's what I work on each day, just for today.
Once again.......Congrats on the 7 MIRACLES!!!
-- Edited by NA_ROCKS at 10:58, 2007-08-22
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Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
One last thing Juniper. Hanging out with a new recovery person, opposite sex. Usually doesn't work because you will be talking about all the good times instead facing the reality of the pathetic life of using. Sorry for being harsh, just speaking my mind from experience.
Kenh.
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
Thanks you guys, and grats Keli, 30 days is awesome, im glad that you are sleeping better now, that is one of my motivations for staying clean, because i could use and sleep great for a night, but then i'd be at the begining again and have to use every day from then on to sleep, and be a lot worse off, i pretty much see now that a month of sleepless nights is not worth using over. Kenh, i know that it's bad to hang out with this girl, but we get along good, and she is someone i can talk to cuz like me she hasn't been able to sleep so we just walk around till early into the morning, but i should probably distance myself for a bit for the time being and try to talk about non-using related things with her. - off to school, have a nice day everyone
BIG NA HUGS TO JUNIPER & KELI ON THEIR MIRACULOUS RECOVERY MILESTONES!!!
WAY TO GO! YOU BOTH ROCK!
KEEP COMING BACK, WE NEED YOU BOTH
LOTS OF NA HUGS AND FELLOWSHIP LOVE,
Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
