hey fam. I have a friend i have known since i was 10. I am now 24. Over the years me and him have used together and now that I am clean i hate to think he is "people" now (people, places and things) I've dropped everyone of my using"friends" but i don't know if I would put him in that catagory because he has been a part of my life for 14 years and only like two of those years we used together. How do i approach this. Do i drop him completly or get my space or what? I am stumped and i was wondering if any of you have gone through a similar situation or can direct me to a step or reading that would help. Thanks in advance
I have gone through that with my "best friend" growing up. My experience is that when I got clean, I realized what kind of a relationship it honestly was (some good, some bad).
For me it seemed that in recovery I was growing, and my best friend was still in the same spot spiritually and mentally.
It's like (maybe?) watching Sesame Street at 24. It's fun for awhile, but you change the channel, because you aren't there anymore, and you want to watch something that applies to you currently.
Hi Mike, I have not experienced that with a grow up together type friend. I don't think I could just walk away from them. But I definately would not want to be around them if they were still using. Maybe a phone call or a hello until he/she cleans up. You know how we are. When we are using there are no real friends. When we are using, we will use our friends too. If I needed money for shit, I would definately pressure someone for it, lye for it etc. You know the drill very well. So it's a tough love thing. Got to let him/her get clean before you can really be friends now.
In Recovery, Kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
I have gone through that with my "best friend" growing up. My experience is that when I got clean, I realized what kind of a relationship it honestly was (some good, some bad).
For me it seemed that in recovery I was growing, and my best friend was still in the same spot spiritually and mentally.
It's like (maybe?) watching Sesame Street at 24. It's fun for awhile, but you change the channel, because you aren't there anymore, and you want to watch something that applies to you currently.
EXCELLENT and could not said it any better.
As your life goes forward in recovery things are going to change, you will observe the insanity going on out there that maybe you used to be involved with , you will see friends affected hard by there own addictions .
I say be an example of what can be, I have a dear friend who decided to go back out and has been out there for years now and is now dying he was in town recently and couldn't even come and see me and I know his shame is deep, all the things he did several years back must just make his addiction as sick as it can get, he destroyed his family he pissed on his fathers grave he pimped out his own daughter and I had to stand by and watch all this happen it was horrible, yet I still call him a friend because when he was clean we were, when he was clean he was decent.
I dont cut very many people off completely though I have had to for my own best interests, wiegh out your best interests and what you can handle for today.
Well said Big V. I think your point really hits home for alot of us. It is so sad to see what it happening out there in that pathetic life we used to live. For me I would use people that were good to me even though I knew it was wrong. I would never go to see people I respected when I was using because of my shame as well. I did look up to the people I respect and that also gave me some strength to get out of that terrible hole of no morals or ethics that I was in.
Thanks for the words, kenh
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God is the only one you can depend on in recovery.
I had two close using friends where the relationship went much deeper and longer than the using. When I came to recovery I realized that I could be there at all for these two friends tomorrow only if I'm alive. So my life and recovery came first, above everything else. The best help that I could have done them then was to stay clean and show them that it was possible, and that of course meant not visiting them or meeting them for almost a year.
Today, one of them is more than 2 years clean and the other just celebrated his 1st year clean. Just like my Higher Power had a plan for me, was there with me carrying me all along and bringing me to NA, I had to trust that they too have this loving Higher Power and that this HP had a plan for them. And my role in that plan for them was to stay clean and to provide them with that possibility that IT IS POSSIBLE and that THERE IS A WAY CALLED NA. They just saw me stay clean and change, found out how I did it, and they did that too... Today, all three of us meet on occasions and have the greatest clean recovery fun that we never experienced together while using...
So, Mike, staying away from them for at least a year and thus protecting yourself is the greatest way you can express your love and care for them. One of us makes it to recovery, the others follow. If they don't, it is beyond us mortal human beings, over to the care of God as our steps say...
The idea here is not to forget them forever or to severe all ties with them. If we give enough time for our own recovery and then look at it from where we are then, we will realize what these friends were for us... I've rediscovered many of my using friends in NA recovery again, some before me and some after me... I get amazed when more is revealed as I grow in recovery and I'm sure it is so for everyone in recovery...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to lend a hand. From reading i know what i have to do. I have to do me. After reading what everyone wrote and taking an honest look at myself. If i was hanging out with him and just the thought that i knew he had it would be enough to take me back out, and i have to guard my recovery with my life. Thanks again everyone this really helped me out. Much love to all of you
