not a day goes by that i don't reminisce... can't forget...ya like i actually COULD forget... of where i so recently came from
When i moved 10 months ago i had only the clothes i was wearing, i was so, so, so needing to get out of my environment but so full of fear to reach out for help, i figured my HP didn't have time for little ol me...full of self pity, disgust.. my soul was screaming for help, i stayed in that hell, some...no most often i resolved to stay where i was. That thats where Wendy was meant to be, i had this crazy notion that i was where i was to help others... talk about denial.
Ya know...I was convinced that i was staying 'out there' til i found a REAL person... someone who was honest, not back stabbing, not like those that say they have your back and then turn on ya... yup just simply REAL,and i wasn't going anywhere til i found that REAL person...jeez where were they hiding??? my last try at recovery i thought ok...so i didn't find that REAL person 'out there' so then they gotta be in recovery... i searched...and searched..but not really.. I stopped going to meetings...stopped doing my meditations...stopped praying...isolated my disease til it got the best of me.. i slowly stopped doing what i NEEDED to do and more and more of what my disease simply WANTED to do...til i started to do what i didn't want to do...now today i can say honestly...ya know what? i am an addict..what i WANT to do is drugs, its become my second nature. But i've learned that to do drugs is to die, i want to live..so what do i NEED to do to live...
So guess what?? that REAL person i was so intently searching for was ME!!! What i gave up most of all... forgot about most of all is gratitude, I am alive today with a heart full of gratitude, today I CHOOSE recovery, today is a big concern, for it preceeds my tomorrow.
So, i can't forget where i came from... i won't forget...and as i sit here typing this i have a smile on my face, I am grateful to have made it back to recovery, I am REAL, recovery is real, as long as i keep it first. there is no love in active addiction... but there is...
Wendy i'm so glad you are getting things in order and the miracle keeps growing in your life.
I will never forget a day in my life ( an there were many of these) when I looked to the heavens and asked God " WHEN " when will I be free one time that stands out in my mind is on a prison yard, early morning no one was even up yet and I stood there and cried like a lost man, this big tough mean angry convict who hated life and everything about his life cried out and what I got back was that one day I would have that freedom.
Well today I have it that yesterday is gone and i appreciate this gift of today for I am truly utterly FREE, free from the prison I lived in so long the one within myself, thanks God for walking with me thanks God for carrying me thru all of that and bringing me out to the other side.
You have our love Wendy and I am so glad a few get this I wish more would its hard to explain to others that its so worth the effort it takes and it does take an effort and desire. Each one of us walks our own journey so many die on that journey before getting here it is one of the saddest things to see and addict die in active addiction..........
