and trying to make it five. I went to a meeting last night and I know i should have gone tonight, but I'm a little sunburned and very tired. But now I'm scared that i missed a meeting. I shouldnt have. I want to quit so bad. The problem is I've been with this guy for years now, and he uses too. Our relationship didn't always use to be about drugs but lately thats all it is. We're sinking lower and lower into a pit and killing each other. He wants to quit too but he doesnt want to go to meetings, he tried a couple with me and didnt like it. He thinks he can quit on willpower alone but I know that wont work for me. we have tried quitting with just willpower over and over and over again. I want to quit very bad but i don't want to lose him too. I've started going to meetings alone the past few days, and he doesnt like it. What happens if he relapses, what happens if i relapse? I'm afraid that if he relapses its going to be me wanting to use and be with him rather than be clean and be alone.I just don't know what to do and I'm stressed out to the max and I'm living hour by hour not just day by day.
I know I'm not going to use tonight but I'm afraid I wont be strong enough to make it through tomorrow if I don't get some of this stuff out. I just found this site a few minutes ago so thanks for letting me at least get this stuff off my chest. God bless you all
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Hi Keli and welcome. I am so glad you have made it to some meetings! Keep going as much as you can and all the rest will fall into place. A big hug to you.
welcome home!.....and thanks for sharing....there is a saying in the program "together we can" and its true. addicts can and do recover, give your self a chance to experiance the wonderful gifts of recovery. hope you keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. hang in there!
well I went to another meeting last night and I got 3 numbers from some very nice women who have been in the same situation and I've got plans to spend for tonight to go to a 7:00 and then an 8:00 meeting too. So this makes 6 days clean now :D
This will be the first friday in years that I've been sober so it is a little scary but also exciting. I want so badly for this to work. I want so badly to be like you guys and be clean and be a productive member of society instead of just going round and round in the insanity and the circus until I end up dead or in jail.
Thank you for the replies. I'm going to just keep going to meetings and hope that everything else falls into place, that seems like very good advice. Instead of trying to figure out the rest of my life and stressing on this I'm just gonna say well I'm going to a meeting tonight. I still don't know what the answer is but I'm just going to go to a meeting tonight. Thanks again :)
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Keli, welcome aboard the Miracles In Progress Family. Thanks for sharing. Reading it gave me lots of strength and hope too about certain issues I'm facing in my recovery now. I realize that I just need to go to meetings, call members, share my issues with others, and let my Higher Power do the rest
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Hi Keli, so how was friday? Were you able to make the meeting? How did the meeting go? I have you in my thoughts, just like your Higher Power has you in His heart
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thank you :) I did it, i went to a meeting at 7:00 then went straight to the next one at 8:00. It was so awesome because 2 people were there who used to be my counselors back when I was in an adolecent treatment program when I was a teenager! I'm 34 now but they both recognized me and I recognized them. It was such a cool trip. They both have like over 20 years clean. So today makes 1 week clean. I haven't been clean for a whole week in years. The only downside is my boyfriend kept trying to send me text messages while i was in the meeting. luckily my phone was in my purse and on silent mode but he said I was being selfish for going to meetings instead of being with him. I told him there's a difference between being selfish and self-preservation. Man he just doesn't understand what I'm trying to do. If i don't clean up then I will end up dead, either by killing myself or overdosing or wrecking or I'll end up in jail. I've already overdosed twice.
This girl who used to be my best friend in high school overdosed and died a few weeks ago and thats what started to open my eyes. It could have so easily been me. I hadn't seen her in years and didn't know she was using, or I proabably would have called her up to party :( I have a picture that me and her got taken together in highschool in front of me right now. She was so beautiful and happy back then, but apparently she went down the same road I did, and it killed her. I don't want to go down like that. I want a life with good things in it, instead of darkness and despair all the time. I'm gonna try to do the 90 meetings in 90 days thing.
I ordered a bunch of NA literature used from amazon.com. Last night I felt like I was going crazy because a part of me wanted to go out. A part of me was saying I could just go party this weekend then start over monday. THANK GOD I DIDN'T DO IT! Luckily the sane part of me got to the meeting before the insane part took hold. I kept telling myself how horrible it would be if i relapsed right after i just ordered all the NA literature. Can you imagine it? I would be all hungover and strung out and then get a bunch of NA stuff in the mail. How horrible that would make me feel! But if I can stay clean til I at least get my literature then how good that will feel! So in a weird way that is helping too. whatever works right?
Anyways todays another day and I'm gonna go to a meeting tonight and try to stay clean another day. :)
-- Edited by Keli at 08:27, 2007-07-28
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
congrats girl. Just remember take it one day at a time, or if it comes down to it one second at a time, def.. i cant but WE CAN. Keep your head up and give your self a break. just do what you did for the past seven days for the next seven days and you will be at 14.
went to an great birthday meeting last night. I hope and pray that on August 22 I'm able to raise my hand for my 30-day keychain too. But one day at a time lol. Its weird, I stayed up til 1am last night and it felt so strange to be up at 1am on a saturday and be SOBER but it also felt GOOD. All day long Saturday and even saturday night the thought of using did not even cross my mind. Its like by making the right choice friday night, even though half my body was screaming to use, i broke through some kind of barrier. I know that its not over and the urge to use will come again, but maybe I'll be that much stronger to fight it then.
This site and some of the very moving posts I've read has really helped me along with going to meetings. I want to thank you guys for being here because I have hope now for the first time in so long. A part of me is scared to hope too much, but another part of me feels like I'm at the beginning of some grand adventure.
I have had more fun being clean and going to meetings and meeting all these new people these past few days than I have had using in so long. Using wasn't even fun anymore. I didn't do drugs to have fun anymore it was just to get that high. Everyday was either scheming to get drugs, using drugs, or laying around being sick from drugs til I felt better then back to scheming to get drugs. What a wasted life.
I havent had any friends at all the past couple of years except my boyfriend, it was so unhealthy. One by one all my old friends left me because when I'm using no-one can stand me. I've been almost overwhelmed by the unconditional kindness that I've found lately from new NA friends, which is something I have not experienced in so long.
I think I may have found a sponsor, this girl who has 4 years and was in pretty much the same situation I'm in when she came in. We talked for awhile after the birthday meeting. She told me that she thinks in my heart I know what the right thing to do is. I'm just scared to do it. If i just didn't have him holding me back I feel like it would be much easier to get clean, but he wont let me go, and to be honest I'm not entirely sure I'm strong enough to let him go. Its like an anchor thats still attached to my old life thats holding me back. But like she said, I know in my heart what i need to do.
But anyways I'm rambling, I just wanted to thank you guys again for being here and for some of the wonderful posts that give others hope
-- Edited by Keli at 09:55, 2007-07-29
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Got a sponsor last night :) My homework? Read the NA book cover to cover then we'll start workin the steps. Still clean, got about a week and a half now
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
(((((NA Hugs to Keli))))) Congratulations on getting a Sponsor and also on almost two weeks clean... way to go... Wow, you seem to be spot on with the tools of NA I guess... you stopped using, reached out here, made meetings, took a Sponsor... what else does one need to do? Great show keli, stay blessed and keep the miracle alive... Gives me lots of strength and hope when I read your shares
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
(((((NA Hugs to Keli))))) Congratulations on getting a Sponsor and also on almost two weeks clean... way to go... Wow, you seem to be spot on with the tools of NA I guess... you stopped using, reached out here, made meetings, took a Sponsor... what else does one need to do? Great show keli, stay blessed and keep the miracle alive... Gives me lots of strength and hope when I read your shares
Its not my first time trying. In the past 10 years I've tried a few halfhearted attempts, but i never managed to put more than a couple days together. Then the disease kicked in and I was off and running again. This time I think I made it over a hurdle - like I said it literally feels like I passed some kind of barrier last friday, and it could have so easily gone the other way, I felt like i was literally going crazy. But I went to 2 meetings that night and was saved. I also think the worst of the physical and psychological withdrawels are over. I'm trying to surround myself in NA. The binge I went on before I cleaned up was just the worst yet. I know if I continue down that road I will be dead within the year. I WANT TO BE CLEAN SO BAD!
The group I found has been absolutly amazing at making me feel welcome, I've been flooded with numbers and suggestions and support. And the posts here and sharing here have really helped. I'm trying to learn everything I can. I was completely immersed in drugs and the addiction lifestyle so now I have to find something to replace that and I think now that the only way I will be clean is to completely immerse myself in NA. Readin the literature, praying, stayin clean today and goin to a meeting tonight and lets see if I can get another day clean :)
I'll tell you what, wakin up without hangovers or feeling strung out is something I could get very used to, the world seems so much brighter!
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
I'll tell you what, wakin up without hangovers or feeling strung out is something I could get very used to, the world seems so much brighter!
Right on!!!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
well here it is another friday already. But this friday certainly feels allot different than last friday. I'm getting ready to go to a meeting right now, waitin for my hair to dry, and i don't have the slightest urge to use. I'm so thankful. I don't know why friday was such a big deal to me, because i used on mon, tues, wed, thurs, too. But friday was just the day I HAD to use and it was so hard getting over that. The times I've tried to clean up before I never could make it past a friday, and now I'm about to have 2 under my belt. So grateful.
I'm goin to the lake tomorrow with 3 other clean people and thats going to be a trip. I've been a pale creature who only comes out at night for so long lol. And now I'm going swimming and fishing tomorrow (with loads of sunscreen). It sounds silly but I'm kinda nervous because I don't know how to do 'normal' things like that. But i keep telling myself that theres no way it could NOT be fun. I used to love fishing when I was a kid and fishing with a good book and hiking around a bit sounds so good and it will be so healthy and relaxing. When I first cleaned up I told myself I wanted to do some healthy things outside, and got sunburned on my 3rd day clean by being outside about 30 minutes lol. But I'm stickin to that plan...so here goes! Hope everyone has a good weekend!
-- Edited by Keli at 20:22, 2007-08-03
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Keli - You are doing so GREAT! Your post about going to the lake made all teary. I think you are incredibly courageous. I hope you had a fantastic time swimming and fishing.
Massive big hugs to you from your friend in recovery.
Thank you Blithe Spirit Even though I coated myself in sunscreen every 30 minutes I still managed to come away with a respectable burn, but man was it worth it. And in a day or two I may even have a tan and stop looking like a ghost. It does feel like I was a ghost and Im coming back into the world of the living now. It makes me teary eyed to think about it because I'm so grateful. I can't believe I was even nervous because about an hour after I got there I realized I was having fun, and I didn't need any booze or drugs to go along with it.
I don't know what i thought would happen, that maybe I would go running and screaming if i did something that was supposed to be good clean normal fun. But it was really great, I fed the ducks and took pictures of the ducks lol. And swam and fished, but no fish were harmed during the making of this trip - but it was still great
I wanna try to do some kinda little outdoor adventure every Saturday now, It will give me something fun to plan for during the week and it will change what weekends used to mean to me. Anyways I better quit rambling, gettin ready for a meeting tonight, then after the meeting I'm gonna sleep so good. I'm so exhausted but its a good kind of tired. (((Hugs to all!)))
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
my boyfriend decided at the last minute to come to the meeting with me last night. He has the same amount of clean time as I do, 2 weeks today, but he hasn't been going to meetings, he just does it on willpower. I'm kind of amazed. I completely expected him to relapse by now and I feel bad that I thought that. I was making all these plans about how I was going to escape if he started using again. Maybe some people can quit by willpower alone but not me, i tried too many times. I'm sure if i didn't go to a meeting for 2 or 3 days in a row I would start talking myself into using. He told me that now that I'm not using anymore he doesn't even want to. I mean maybe things will be ok now that I'm not in active addiction anymore? Maybe he wasn't even an addict???? I don't know but its certainly not my place to say whether someones an addict or not, I just know I'm an addict and I just have to do what I need to do to deal with my own problem.
When I first cleaned up, I was afraid I would want to do drugs staying with him because for the last few years we did so many drugs together and I had come to associate him with drugs. But thats changing, he came to the lake with us yesterday and met my sponsor last night and we have had several really long talks about staying clean and how much better it is. Its like we're making new memories that don't have anything to do with drugs so I dont associate him with drugs anymore. And he understands now how important it is for me to go to meetings, he doesn't seem to resent it anymore. (no more wild accusatory text messages in meetings lol)
Anyways, things seem to be getting much better. I'm going to keep going to meetings no matter what, and who knows, maybe it was just me and my addiction that was bringing us down all along. I don't know - I'm just givin this one to God and taking it one more day at a time
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
I just read all your letters on the message board. Oh, How I do remember the first few months of Sobriety without a program. It is so cool to see that you have jumped in with all fours. (Smile) I ran in circles the first 4 months without a program. That was 13 1/2 years ago. Since then I have worked both programs at different times and the same time, gone to outside therapy, and I am a beleiver in Christ.
I tried doing it on my own because I was to strong willed a woman. I got some bad advice from a family member that had 4 years of Sobriety no Recovery. We didn't need anyone or anything that we were weak if we got help from A.A. or any outside Recovery Group. This is a "LIE." If I didn't need Recovery, I may as well tell you I am 20 feet tall, pink, with large red stripes and a head that is in the shape of a triangle.
Without my Sponsor, The Big Book, 12x12, or N.A. Book, Working the 12-Steps every week with my Sponsor, One Step at a time until I finished and came to the 12th Step and had a SPiritual Awakening in the Church parking lot together. We then prayed silently. SInce that Sponsor I have had several others over the years.
The last 3 years I have been involved in going into jails to Minister to Inmates with our friend and Chaplain from our old Church. I have also written to Prisoners for another Prison Ministry. These are gifts that have come from Sobriety that I would never have done during my days of partying. I was always disrespectful and rude to Law enforcement. Now I am invited with my husband to Banquets again and so our life is Helping Others not just ourselves.
You are a "GIFT" from GOd and I will be praying for you and for GOd's Will in your life. Enjoy your Sobriety in only gets better.
Thank you for your prayers Blessed. I can't believe I have over 2 weeks clean now!!!! And since that first friday, I haven't really had the urge to use at all. I don't want to get cocky because I know that it will come again, I'm an addict and I'm probably going to have to live with urges to use for the rest of my life.
Last night at my group was a meeting on the 3rd step and it was a really good meeting. I've been trying to do steps 1-3 every morning and throughout the day because I'm so desperate to stay clean and I'm so terrified of using and falling back into that miserable hell. I feel like I've been holdin the devils hand for years and I've finally let go and I'm reaching out desperately for God's hand.
I hope I never forget how badly I want to stay clean. I hope I never forget how miserable I was using. Even though I only have a couple weeks clean its amazing how much better life has gotten, and my outlook of life. When I was using I wanted to die everyday. If I can't stay clean, when I want to so badly, when I'm so desperate to be clean, then it will be over for me. If I relapse I will just twist off back into the hurricane and that will be it. I'm so scared of that. I am terrified of that!!
But I keep telling myself to slow down, don't panic, and say, "Hey...look....just for today you are clean and you don't have to go back to that. Just for today your going to be ok." So I'm making use of the tools that truly seem to be working. Praying first thing in the morning, then reading the literature, and going to meetings as if my life depended on it, because it does. This program is working, the days just keep adding up and I'm so immensely grateful
-- Edited by Keli at 08:09, 2007-08-07
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
I can really identify with the situation with your boyfriend. My husband and I used together for about 14 years. I ended up in rehab, he just stopped. After twenty-six months clean, I still don't really know if he is an addict, although he does have the behaviors. What I do know is that I am an addict! I can't afford to try to work any kind of program for him, only my own. I could never do this alone. I tried - and failed!
The meetings are a great help, and a sponsor, and the steps. I pray every day that obsession will never meet opportunity. I can tell you from my own experience that as I changed, so did my husband, our marriage has become much happier. We are also more forgiving of each other. However, if he were to use I would have to leave, because, like you, I don't want to enter that hell again. Nor do I want my daughter to live like that anymore! I never wanted that for her, I just couldn't stop, now that I've stopped I refuse to ever let drugs interfere with me being the kind of mom, employee, and woman that I was meant to be.
Hang in there and remember - it's not the destination, it's the journey! Congratulations on 2 weeks.
Maggie
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The Triumph is not in succeeding, but in not being afraid to fail.
maggie, thanks for your reply. Its weird because when i first cleaned up I didn't know how I could stay with him, because I was almost positive he would use again. But as I've gotten clean and kinda have been doin this thing on my own, he's become more and more supportive and I'm glad he's there and still clean too, meetings or not. I don't have any other friends aside from him, because I burnt allot of bridges when I was using, but in a way thats a good thing too because I don't have people calling me up wanting to go out or anything, while he on the other hand has people almost every day at work asking him to go out and drink a few beers and he turns them down. I would not be that strong without meetings.
He's been having using nightmares, but not about him using, about ME using. The other morning he woke me up at 5:30am because he had just had a nightmare that I relapsed. He started griping me out til he realized it was just a dream. But to me that says allot, he wants me to stay clean so bad that he even dreams about it. He fears me relapsing more than him relapsing, which i think is good??? not sure, but i'm glad he wants me to stay clean so bad. Though I cleaned up for myself and not him, its just that much more incentive.
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
yes Blithe I'm going fishing again tomorrow! I just hope its not too hot, supposed to be around 100 degrees here in texas. I'll bring loads of water and sunscreen. I'm one of the Lake People now every saturday for the rest of summer lol. Comin up on 3 weeks clean and still hangin in there, though yesterday was a little difficult. Just allot of old anxieties and fears whispering in my ear, but I made it to a meeting and stayed clean. Then I come to this board and see a post from a fellow addict wondering about anxieties in recovery. Its nice to know so many of us have so much in common, and that we're not alone in this thing.
-- Edited by Keli at 23:33, 2007-08-10
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We are not human beings learning to become spiritual, we are spiritual beings learning to become human.
Right on!!!
