Presently writing on my 4th Step. Always make sure I put my stepwork away. Well, I was in work yesterday and my husband calls me to tell me that my 7 year old hurt her eye at camp, but that she's okay. Oh - and by the way, I read your stepwork and it says you cheated on me. No lie!
I feel violated. I have worked so hard the past 26 months to get where I am. I have changed everything about myself, and I am no longer that person. I know the reasons I had for cheating when I did it, but if the situation were the same today - with the exception of me being clean - I would make a totally different, i.e., healthy choice.
I feel like maybe he doesn't want me to get better, maybe he's still afraid of that. He is very insecure. He has not worked in two years, but is looking. So, how do I deal with this? Any suggestions?
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The Triumph is not in succeeding, but in not being afraid to fail.
When I have a very strong emotional reaction to someone or something, my first strategy is to shut up and do nothing. While shutting up and doing nothing in the situation, I take the time to talk to my sponsor and support group, make meetings, and take good care of myself: stay around positive people, eat well, get enough sleep, have quiet time, exercise.
By doing this, I am not making the situation worse and I am not treating myself badly just because I might feel bad (angry, hurt, betrayed, violated, etc.).
I find that just by being quiet and taking some time to let my feelings process, the solution oftentimes reveals itself and I find that I didn't really need to do anything anyway. If it turns out that I do need to take some type of action, I would discuss it with my sponsor first and not be hasty.
All the best to you, Maggie, and greetings to beautiful Pennsylvania.
Insecurity = Jealousy and visa versa. To get over it means your husband must grow. You can't do anything to change your past, but it's also up to us to protect our 4th Step writings from being read by those we choose not to share it with. Sorry it happened to you Maggie and I hope things work out for you.
To add a little maybe you can sit down with him and just quietly talk about things, just like you did here.
Keep your cool it may get upsetting show him how much you care by staying serene if it starts to turn bad.
And you can't change others, he is how he is. Maybe bring up boundaries, he should have respected your privacy once he realized what he was reading BUT he may not have until he got down the list and saw what he saw.
Hello Maggie, I had a similar experience but not regarding the 4th step. My wife found out that I was seeing a woman for about 3 months right up to my clean date. I never saw that woman again sober. I explained, and I was very sincere, that it was not 'me' and it really wasn't. I wasn't that person anymore, almost literally. I think, act ,drink, sleep, etc, completely different. I could sense that she didn't believe me at first but with time and new attitudes she has come to believe. Hold your ground make him feel the change.
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I always seem to allow myself to get stuck in certain feelings, but with the help of NA, I find I can move out of them a lot faster than I used to.
I realize that I can't change my husband, and one thing good is that now I don't have any secrets from him. It's a clean slate. I have reiterated that I am not the same person I was back then. Nor, will I allow him to make me feel that I am.
Boundaries...what are they? I mean, I put the stepwork away, and he went looking for it on purpose!!!! My theory is this - I just got my driver's license (more independence for me), and he needed something to rein me in, and found it in my stepwork.
Anyway, I am going to schedule a couple's session with my therapist as soon as she's back from vacation.
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The Triumph is not in succeeding, but in not being afraid to fail.
