I reach out in great pain now. I got a call from my mom at noon. She was crying and was in panic. My dad's cancer is progressing, and he needs to go thru chemotherapy now for a year. He is in a state of shock after hearing about his condition and about the side effects of chemotherapy. He is losing hope. By what the doctor has told him, it seems he would be able to hold on only for 2 or 3 years more inspite of the treatments...
My mom, the primary caregiver is herself a chronic diabetic and is running into high risk herself lately... the other caregiver, my teenage sister (she is just 17) seems to have freaked out in frustration and fear this morning... she is going thru her own trauma...
And I myself am in no place to support them as I'm also finding it hard to come to terms with the whole situation myself. Am going thru severe "fear" episodes, projecting all kinds of disastrous outcomes... I'm in a state of panic... still trying hard to reach out to my family, and give them that much needed emotional support that they so desperately need...
But first and foremost, I realize that I must heal from my shock and grief, to be able to be available for other loved ones... And I could not think of anything else right now than to reach out here to all of you and trying to share about what's happening to me...
I need your support, your responses, your ESH... Please help me...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I'm so sorry your going thru this Tahir my prayers will be going in your direction during this time .
I have no experience really to share so i'll be learning from you my Brother.
Sometimes nothing can be said and we just need to hold each other, hold your loved ones as close as you can and give them the loving support you have for them and maybe that will give them something more to stand on while facing there own difficultys which are also yours to beings they are Family.
Brought tears to my heart reading this Tahir I am truely sorry, life can be so hard. We all may have this to face some day with parents and it doesn't come without great heartache, that I am sure of I dread this part of life but its a package deal.
Try to just stay in today, you all have life this day, tomorrow is the yesterday you worried about, so live in the now, worry about tomorrow later.
I have been going through this with my Father. He had it removed in December and has been having chemo since. He is doing good now. Actually even better. He appreciates life more. I was pretty messed up over it at first. However in hindsight, I had to accept that I had no control over it. Leave the results to my HP. Once I did that, I was more available. You might find help in the lit on step 2.
My heart goes out to you Tahir. God has a reason for absolutely everything and that reason is good always. I respect medical advice but also know that God is capable of things unexplained. Another thing, you might die first. Try to be next to your dad as much as you can. Try to make him comfortable. Leave the rest to God and never be alone. Love, Magellan
Once when I was facing a difficult family situation, I thought as you did: I must first heal and "get myself together" in order to handle it. It was too hard, too painful, and the loved ones involved were too needy. However, it was suggested to me that I didn't need to spend less time with the family members involved, I needed to spend more.
Healing and getting one's self together do not need to happen away from the difficult situation, especially if it involves loved ones. It is okay for your family to see you just as you are. You do not need to be any certain way: not in control, not "healed," not anything in particular. It seems to me that you have a miraculous opportunity to be of service. Perhaps that is where the healing is found.
Of course, I do not know your family and your post makes me think that maybe they are overly needy and will require more than you believe you can give. I encourage you to set and uphold whatever boundaries you need to remain healthy. I do not encourage you to avoid the situation altogether. My concern is that you might regret not being there for them.
Thanks for all the strength, hope and support. I was actually overwhelmed over the last few days by the extent of help that I can get if I choose to just share in the fellowship. Very grateful to all the members (around 50 or so) who reached back to me thru replies to my posts, calling me and emailing me... The suggestions, insights and the ESH of all of you that you so freely shared with me did make that vital difference to how I perceived the situation.
In fact, one member sharing that I don't have to be strong and I don't have to necessarily try to provide the support that I feel I must to my loved ones at this juncture, that I can just be myself, fragile and in complete fear, just like my other loved ones are, that it's ok to be like that, was very effective in my overcoming my tendencies to brush aside my vulnerable side while reaching out to my loved ones. I was just able to be me as I'm.
Also, like many of you shared with me, I had to constantly and consciously apply my second step in this last one week like never before... I realized that I was nowhere near to trusting and surrendering the situation to my Higher Power to start with, and so I focused on working on my faith levels, something that I never worked on so intensely for a long time now... In fact, today, I realize how important this spiritual principle is in my recovery today... But it took me three days to overcome my worries, fear and paranoia to fall back to the safety of the NA program and my Higher Power...
And guess what, when I called my dad today, I found that he is normal, as he always is, chatting away with me in his familiar youthful exuberance, and I realized that it was me who was feeling more miserable about my father's condition than even he was... So typical of an addict like me to do you know... trying hard to take away all my loved ones' miseries as I perceive them... my codependency I guess...
I also had a long talk with my mom, and she is ok too... I call my sister then, and find that she is excited about our cousin's wedding this week that is coming up, and with what's up with her college life lately
Truly, Higher Power knows best, and the Higher Power also provides us the strength to face whatever transpires in our life... I'm grateful for this awareness today that has come about from this troubling experience... All I had to do is share about it, with all of you... so simple a suggestion, yet so powerfully therapeutic...
Thank you all for being here for me, with me...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I've been told that after sharing about a challenging situation, it is equally important to come back and share the solution. It is very important for me to hear about solutions. Thank you for that.
Also glad you came back and shared where you went Tahir and what you got.
It's hard to realize that whatever happens it will be ok, that is if we let it be ok.
Thing about life is, theres death and illness thats tough to accept maybe for those that can't accept simple facts of life and it's not just addicts I think everyone struggles to some extent with that, the difference is when we dont get our way we look for the easier softer way, we run and hide how we feel under a foggy veil of drugs , thats not facing life, your facing it and actually getting something good from it, thats the idea.
I am so sorry too hear this new Thair.I lost both my parents in 1991 both from cancer.I know your pain and feelings of helplessness.They were diagnosed only a month apart my dad lived only one month my mom 6.But there was no treatment that could help them.I hope and pray with gods help his cancer will be cured.Prayer go out to you and your family God bless.
Glad I have you here with me, and to know that I'm not alone, many have experienced what I'm going through and to know that there is hope and there is support and understanding available today at this wonderful group, from caring spirits like you and all others here at MIP.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Yeah things are much better. The other day when I was taking care of a great Speaker Meeting at my Homegroup, I received a call from my dad. You know he was just reaching out to me, wanting to just chat with me, sharing about his situation and what the doctor has said. I had a great talk with him for half an hour. I shared with him how chemotherapy has been helpful for one of my sponsee's father, and asked him not to worry about the side effects too much, that together we can find the strength and ways to cope with them. He was also hesitant about the huge amount of medical expenses involved in his upcoming chemotherapy course, and I just asked him to focus on one thing, to stay healthy and get better, and leave the rest of the issues for me and my brothers to deal with. He was relieved, and was glad that we spoke. I felt so grateful to my Higher Power after the call, for giving me the strength and the resources to support him in all ways; something he did over a decade and a half for me. When I was hopeless, he would give me hope and unconditional support. I remember he would tell me that I can stop using one day and that I would recover. He used to tell me that as long as he was alive, he wouldn't give up hope on me. He stood by me, a great tower of strength. Today, I'm grateful that I'm able to give back some of it in whatever small way I can.
Thanks Jason, for the care and concern, and for giving me this opportunity to share the update on my father's illness. Love you and need you in my recovery, my recovery brother.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
My mom has invited me and my wife for a week and we are visiting them in the first week of August, for a week... Lookin' forward to spending more time with him, sharing and caring, as this wonderful program has taught me to do
-- Edited by Tahir at 12:45, 2007-07-29
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
