My name is Amanda, I am 23 years old. Tonight will be my first discussion with anyone else, about my problem, except for the one it's been the biggest problem to. I just recently looked into an inpatient rehab program, God, it's hard to admit that you're weak and can't overcome it on your own. Truth is though, I have 7 children, a wonderful husband( that I can't let down again, or I'll lose) and a job that I work 5 days a week at, that I cant afford to leave, to get inpatient help. I want to try my hardest, not to give in to that little voice always in my head, but have realized that as hard as it is to say (I need someone their, always on call, to talk me out of and remind me of what i'll lose if I make that decision again.) My husband is so strong, hes never done a drug in his life, and as much as I admire him for that, and as sincere as he comes off, when he promises he'll be my help. He'll never fully understand how I could put everything I love in jepardy just to satisfy a craving. And days when everything is so wonderful, my life seems picture perfect, there is no reason for me to want to get high, and i do. I am afraid to let him know, so that he can ease that pain, for fear that he'll think to himself just how horrible I am, for still wanting to get high again, even knowing that if I do I'll lose him. So, I'm gonna try this, discuss my feeling with others that feel that same, let him look in, hear from others, just how hard it really is to overcome this, tonight I'll starting fighting back, to a battle that will never end