it seems like forever since i've last been here. a lot has happened since i was a regular here . but you've all been on my mind even when i wasn't here.
my hopes and prayers are that you are all doing well.
let me give you a quick catch up on whats been happening in my life .......
after i came home in feb, from visiting my parents i got into a dump. depression was ruling my life. even going to MIP was too much for me.
i was greaving my mom's death before it happened i think, and leaving them made me feel like i was running away from an unpleasant situation. which only made me feel worse.
in april my brother called crying ,saying my parents were talking about sucide, as soon as i got over my cold i came back down do stay with them , by this time mom was again in the hospial.
she came home a week later and i was tring t o take care of her and my dad. my way to deal with the situation was by buying whatever would help her with her lose of mobility. like tilt chairs so she could easily sit in the livingroom. an aqua bath chair so she could get in and out of the tub with less effort. stuff like that . subconscusely using objects to cover my lack of faith in my abilites. taking control over something i had no control over.
but my best was not good enough , i didn't know enough to see the danger signs and within a month she was back in the hospital for the last time/.
this time the doctor advised us to let her go without any medical assistance. basically we let her die. without food or water she lasted for about four days. she was mostly drugged the whole time. it's amazing how someone can go from being a thinking feeling person then with in a few days be no more.
i was blessed to have been with her when the time came for her to go....i was able to be there to sent her on,and reasure her all would be well , that we loved her and would miss her , and asked her to explore the universe and find the answers to all the mysterys out there.
one minute she was there and the next she was gone. i am so greatful that i was there. i was blessed. i was able to say goodbye./
if you would of asked me how i would react to the death of my mother a year ago i would of said i'd be a basket case. that i would need to be sadated for at least a week...and i would be unconsolable.
THANK GOD FOR NA !!!!!!!
* If not for na i would of been all those things and more... * Becuse of NAi was able to give my mom my greatest gift. being clean and sober.. the peace of mind that i will be all right , that she can rest in peace. * that i'm now able to handle her death and to be able to take care of my dad responsibly. and because of NA i have a regular place to go for support when i'm feeling blue or just need a shoulder to lean on or a hug..........
On the 26 th of may i will have one year clean...
god bless , peace and love Peggy
"a wise man once stated ..THAT HAPPINESS BROADENS OUR HEARTS, BUT SORROWS OPENS OUR SOULS ".
Bless your heart Peggy and i just have to say how much I admire and will keep your experience in mind and heart.
YOu have done well, better then well I Congratulate you on putting together 1 year there aren't many real addicts who can do what you have done especially going thru what you've gone thru.
You are truly a blessing and we do need you here, thanks for sharing.
I really hope that someday I will be able to re-act to the death of a loved one this way. You are blessed and a fine example. Nice knowing you and I hope to see you more. Love, Magellan
Thank you so much for sharing your ESH. You sure have loads and loads of resilience and acceptance. What a way to deal with the loss of a loved one! I cannot even imagine myself going dealing with it all the way you have, Peggy.
Still, my dad's cancer and my mom's diabetis scares the hell out of me. The fear of losing my loved ones I have seen actually cripples me from doing what I would otherwise want to in context with my loved ones.
I completely panicked last time when my wife fell ill seriously, and due to that, found myself short of doing the right things in taking care of her. So what you shared with me in your post is truly valuable. Way to go.
And yes, SO GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK! Missed you, tried to contact you too but couldn't.
Hugs, Love & Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
