"As we approach this step, most of us are afraid that there is a monster inside of us that, if released, will destroy us."
Basic Text, p. 27
Most of us are terrified to look at ourselves, to probe our insides. We're afraid that if we examine our actions and motives, we'll find a bottomless black pit of selfishness and hatred. But as we take the Fourth Step, we'll find that those fears were unwarranted. We're human, just like everyone else?no more, no less.
We all have personality traits that we're not especially proud of. On a bad day, we may think that our faults are worse than anyone else's. We'll have moments of self-doubt. We'll question our motives. We may even question our very existence. But if we could read the minds of our fellow members, we'd find the same struggles. We're no better or worse than anyone else.
We can only change what we acknowledge and understand. Rather than continuing to fear what's buried inside us, we can bring it out into the open. We'll no longer be frightened, and our recovery will flourish in the full light of self-awareness.
Just for today: I fear what I don't know. I will expose my fears and allow them to vanish.
This brings me to the point= " God will place us in situations where issues surface !!" Well friends,, the bad news is that if we still act like we did in the past,,, thers sure a monster lurking !!! However the very purpose of the 4th is to sort thru the contradiction and confusion of our lives !!! In my case i was confused because ther i was doing the saint act and all, but i was really looking like a sinner ! There was this misguided notion (with grass especially)that i was being a mystic !!!! So my sponsor at that time gave me a gentle hint+ "look Raman, just because you do the Fourth Step dosent mean all those things are going away. The point is they will not control your life anymore and if they do, you will know how to stop and turn it over to HP all over again!" So you know, in that very hope i plodded along a fearless and searching Fourth Step. Mind you in those days we had no Step Working guides,,, but i worked it by writing down all those incidents in my life that in my mind,,,,i believe i covered my entire life. then i noted thoughts,feelings and attitudes/beliefs. then with my sponsor i identified the PATTERN !! It became clear who was doing all the mischief in my life !!!!
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Once I began writing on my fourth step here recently, I have found no fear, only relief as I am able to relive those haunting things from my past and let them go with HP's help. I've heard this was a hard step to do....let me finish it, then I'll tell ya more :)
Love and Hugs!!!
__________________
Just For Today....I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Thank you all for sharing. I'm on my Fourth Step from a week now, at long last... Just waking up every morning, and after reading my JFT, folding my hands and observing a moment of silence followed by a prayer asking my Higher Power to give me the strength to write that down today that my Higher Power wants me to. Then pick up my NA Journal, the SWG and a pen, and I pour out my answers... amazing... was not able to do this for 6 months or so... Since this is my second time on Fourth, I also see that I'm able to see much deeper into myself than the first time where I just scratched the surface as my first sponsor would say...
Also, I have heard this being shared by many addicts that they felt mystical while using, but was never able to relate, as I was a complete man of scientific conviction, grounded on reasoning and logic thru out my using in context with religious or spiritual experiences. In fact I was almost an atheist then... However, I first started having glimpses of these mystical experiences only after starting to work the steps in my recovery. When I did my first Third Step and a partial fourth and fifth with my sponsor then, I went thru a purification process that awakened my spirit.
At first, I was terrified, and did not want to acknowledge what's happening within me. I wanted to rationalize and dismiss these experiences. But the more these steps worked in my life, the more aware I became...
These experiences, before stepwork seemed too remote a possibility for me just for the fact that I haven't been there, and I did not know what they are like... Also, I found that to feel, sense and experience this oneness with Spirit, one important condition is a must ~ Purge of the Intellectual.
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
