I was talking with my sister, she's been in the program a long time , been very involved and has had an intense recovery with alot of outside therapy , I scoffed at her back then but now I understand, because we are the same in many ways.
We are without love, it wasn't shown much in our family , small family just me and her mom and dad.
What we saw? my mom cowering my dad in control, more like out of control, very little compassionate patient love, alot of fear lived in that house my dad the raging alcoholic .
Its all coming up right now inside of me, another failed relationship another chance for me to see my demons and dark side and another chance for me to do some work, another chance to somehow work this program into my life, another chance to let God show me how toi live spiritually and take me from this darkness and emptyness into some light. I dispair, am lost i'm an afraid little boy again and am man who is trying to knock down walls and keep from other walls from rising I dont need anymore hurdles in front of me thers enough already.
"Take my will and my life. Guide me in my recovery. Show me how to
Writing about what we want, what we are asking for, and what we get and sharing this with our sponsor or another trusted person helps us to work through negative feelings. Letting others share with us about their experience gives us hope that it does get better. It seems that being powerless is a huge stumbling block. When a need arises for us to admit our powerlessness, we may first look for ways to exert power against it. Exhausting these ways, we begin sharing with others and find hope. Attending meetings daily, living a day at a time, and reading literature seems to send our mental attitude back toward the positive. Willingness to try what has worked for others is vital. Even when we feel that we don't want to attend, meetings are a source of strength and hope for us.
This is why I am sharing,I dont want the desire to use to come back so far it hasn't I have stayed focused and involved and in prayer and it hasn't but I have a tendency to isolate/alienate myself and get angry at outside things over whats going on inside of me.
If there is a newcomer or someone else out there, let me tell you now, I do not represent NA as a whole and I speak from my exp[erience.
Along the way in getting so clean time, I don't know if god is real, imagined, or dead set on making a fool of me, but in any case, I've had the experience of the garden variety addict. No booming voice, no little whisper, no direct (so to speak) contact that I can grasp.
But on occasion, (very rarely for now) I do get the feeling that maybe I am on the right track, and that maybe there is a reason for all this, and if that is hope, then its provided by something I cant explain and I call that god.
Anyway, I always get riled up when the whole just give in thing comes up, cause I have had to WORK brother, and there isn't any giving up ANYwhere in my recovery. Goes back to the saying god helps those that helpthemselves I guess.....
Peace
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
I went to Catholic school 3rd to 8th grades and they made me fear god more then anything and hate the catholic church mostly the nuns that beat the hell out of me ( at least they tried to).
I had no God the whole 5 years I went to parocial school, it wasn't until I got involved in recovery that I found out about God and its taking me along time to know him better.
I shared the other day that I was having a dream one night , I was talking with god in my dream and he was telling me the basics, keep it simple Vini he said ( I swear this is what he said), faith and willingness is what he told me, I woke that morning feeling light on my feets, that this could be so simple if I just keep it simple.
It takes hard work also Brett you have the determination it takes that to do this at times.
Jesus said "God is a spirit" somehow reading that helped me just a bit it took away the flesh image I had of him since man is so full of flaws and hypocracy it made him into something more supernatural for me, just a thought i've had....
