As I go through another 4th step, I get this feeling of being lazy, my self esteem drops in the toilet, and I really hate doing it over and over and over again.
So I am going to share this cause I just did the 5th step behind it. My resentment this time, (and probably has been for some time), is with god. I was thinking to myself that I don't believe in god, and god needs to show me instead of me having to go hunting god all the time. So in the step, I find that I am self seeking, dishonest, fearful, and stubborn.
Not the greatest list of shortcomings is it? On top of that, I felt like I couldnt even do the 6th and 7th step cause I am dead set against god. HERE is where a sponsor comes in, a power greater than me that can help me stay clean another day, and maybe straighten out my thinking. I sad to him I didn't believe in god.....HE says, then how can you have a resentment? Good point, If I don't believe, then I can't resent. Then he tells me putting aside how I think god has wronged me, what's my part in it?
How about self centered fear and self seeking and being dishonest with myself over what I actually do believe in. This addiction monster doesn't even bother with drugs and alcohol anymore, it attacks the very foundation that keeps me clean. So now I have to go back and pray for the willingness to be willing, and I hate doing that too. What a mess things become when I put off my step work and try to go back to managing my own life.
Anyway, I don't really know why I am sharing all this, maybe its because I have hope that the steps do work, and it's my 4 year anniversery, maybe it's because I just need to put down something I can read to help me unjumble the things in my head. In any case, i am trying to be greatful for the opportunity to even be able to post here, and I am damn sure greatful I only have one white chip....... I never ever want to go back out there, even when I hate being clean sometimes. The one thing that can never be taken from me, EVER, is my clean time, only I can give that up. So I keep doing the steps, and hope in the end I can live comfortable, and be stable.
Peace out
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
Hey thanks for sharing on the Fourth... Still stuck there this time around... When I shared about it at the other group, one of the members there said, "don't dilly-dally, just do..." Still lingering in my mind, those words... Just the dose I needed I guess to move on...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Wow 4 years you got to be doing something right! Don't be so hard on your self. I dont know whether or not it is important to have evidence that god is in your life to have faith. You have stayed clean for 4 years if thats not evidence enough I dont know what is. We know a addict not using is not natural, and I see you have faith that your clean time will not be taken away. For me faith in the process is more important than just believing in god. In saying that I do believe in a higher power but it's not always something I cant see or touch, Many times it's the people in recovery that are my higher power. Hey at least you have the willingness to pray for willingness...lol I hope you celebrating some ware tonight you are proof that this program works! LNF Sandra
In the years that I have been trying to stay clean i've done probably 4-5 fourth steps.
I did one about 7 years ago that went to the bottom of my secret stash and it helped just to clear that stuff out of my system but this last one that I did after relapsing and yeah I had been working on it just before I relapsed is the one that I saw all of my defects on and that one has been the most improtant and changing for me.
You know we defend and take really good care of these defects and even become blind to them they are called shortcomings, the ones we don't see or know about that others see or that stay in the recess's of our lives.
You know Brett what your doing right now expressing these things are the things your supposed to be doing, for now this is , your sponsor is, your higher power and that is FINE, at least you realize you need help and you need strength and courage and direction to get past all this stuff . I believe you are on the right path for YOU.
It gets really complicated and confusing, we're not simple to figure out we can't even figure ourselves out at times but things do get clearer in time it takes diligent honest work and appraisal of ourselves.
I see a good person inside of you just sorta walking thru his own struggle and in that struggle he's staying clean which is and can be difficult but you seem to have to fortitude and desire and that is exactly what it takes, you also have gotten honest and willing and you seem pretty open most of the time so just keep doing what your doing it'll come along in time, proud of you Brett.
