Hello Everyone,

I was really doing some soul searching tonight.    I have  a very good friend who is home on hospice care she is dying of Lung/Brain Cancer.  It is really hard for me to understand why I get into self pity when I see her fighting for one more day.  It is amazing how she has her mind set that she will live what is left of her life to the fullest and not use no matter what.

I think about when my self pity comes and it is usually when I am not doing what I am suppose to do.  It is when I isolate.  I blow off f2f meetings ,come in and chat here, and just hide at work or in my apartment.  I get the poor me's.  I am too this or too that.  I should be here, but I am there.  The self pity mode catches me quickly.

I can soon forget how much garditude I have.  I was homeless, broke, and  broken when I came here.  I have been here a little while and have gotten so much more than, I should have this or I am too this, or too that.  My disease wants me in that self pity, it wants me to sabatoge myself so it can get me in the grip of acctive addiction.  I have some tools and one of them is awareness.  With that I can be honest with my sponsor and my network.  They tell me what is, not what I want to hear.  I am grateful for that.

I am very active in Area Service and last month I had to miss H&I and Area.  I was so upset, but I talked to a member with 25 years and he said to me,  "you know Donna, if you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to help anyone else".  I am grateful for David's wisdom because I took his suggetion and took care of myself.

I have lived in the ghetto for 2 1/2 years.  I see dealers, junkies, and hookers everyday.  I did not think I was worth moving and when I had the opportunity last year I did not move.  I just did what was easy.  I signed another lease and held myself hostage for another year.  I live in a place that I can't go anywhere after 10pm.  I thought of what David said about taking care of myself and last week I found an apartment in a nice neighborhood and  move in May 1st.  I am so excited because I am seeing the program pay off.

I had an opportunity this week to show up for my sponsor who suddenly lost her job.  She was devastated. I was able to give back the love she has always freely given me.  That felt good. 

It is so easy for me to say poor me.  When the truth is life happens and it is what I do with it that determines the outcome.  If I run on self will, I will surely stay in self pity.  But, If I follow suggestions and ask the God of my understtanding for help things seem to work out.  I do not always get what I want, but I awlays get what I need.

I guess what I am trying to say is, not matter what life throws at me today, it is still better than active addiction.  I did not get love on the streets.  I have found love here.  I have been through as sorts of emotions since my friend choose to stop treatment.  I was in pain for a couple of days.  My NA family checked on me and held my hand every step of the way.  Life on Life's terms.  They told me to buckel up I was in for the ride of my life, you guys were right.

I did not get clean not to get better, and a day at a time, a step at a time, a phone call at a time I am getting better.  No matter what I do not have to use today.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring. but I look forward to it.  I never looked forward to anything when I was using.

I am grateful for all of you and try and rememeber that when my sick thinking tells me lies

I was told by Self Pity is not becoming. When I look at it that way I can see just how retarted my thoughts can get.

Lots Of Love,

Donna