Step One is designed to creat a void in us so that we are ready to work step two. I get that, but I am beginning to turn to other things...sex, food, shopping to fill that void. My sponsor said i must follow the same steps of praying for the willingness to stop these behaviors. As part of my step work I am journaling about some events from the past and this has brought back some very painful memories and a lot of hurt and anger. I hae always been able to numb these feelings with the dope and now I am having to feel them. I know i'll get to the other side, but this can be such a difficult process at times. i just needed to share where I'm at today because I missed my F2F meeting this morning and the next one isn't for a few hours.
|Beth welcome and thankyou for coming to the meeting tonight your doing exactly what your supposed to do and that is sharing it all, in that your letting things go little by little and also facing your demons.
Just keep doing what your doing this stuff pass's I had so much hate and anger and HURT inside of me that i could not stay clean for a day as I let these things go I got to where there just wasn't anything left inside to cover up and once most if not all of my dark secrets, the hurt and pain were gone the need to use leaves us, just keep doing it lettting it go and you'll find a new inner peace I PROMISS you that.
Good god, how I hated hearing I can't use, and my life was a wreck in step one. Even worse, when I actually took that info and believed it fully applied to me. Check this out..... I still have problems accepting that my life may never be managable, but just for today, I believe it, and that if I use, it ain't gonna get no better.
SO what's that mean to me? It means I better associate with other people, the literature, the steps, a sponsor, journaling, and anything else that helps me cope without drugs. All.... let me repaet that....ALL....one more time, cause I'm one of those addicts that don't listen....ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of those things listed are higher powers in some way shape or form. Step two doesn't mention Gawd God, Jesus, Budda, or any other religious ICON once. Now I can thank the GOD I understand in the third step that I didn't have to believe in a "god" in the second, just that there were things outside of me that could help me stay clean. I still believe in the second step, even when my faith waivers in a spiritual being. I can always fall back on meetings, the literature, people in the program, a sponsor, ...... what a gift. I have a saftey net in step two, for step 3.....
I guess what my experience is is that before I quit using, god was a good place to lay blame. Now, If I am not getting the spiritual "vibe" from "god" I have many higher powers to fall back on until I can re establissh my faith in the spiritual part of the program. No blaming anyone but me for my actions, what a concept.....
Peace out,
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
The beauty of our first step is that it says we are poweless over our addiction.
My experience is similar to yours. I came to NA thinking i just had a problem with drugs and that once i stopped using everything would be sweet
I have found out that for me, it goes alot deeper than the drugs I used. Therefore for an addict of my variety i needed more than just simple abstinance.
I am an addict and i will abuse anything that can be of use to me, that fixes me and makes me feel good, cos i love to feel good and i can get addicted to that. Addicted to those feelings of euphoria.
I see a guy, i like what I see and Im off. Im gonna make him mine. In that moment he becomes my HP (never make a human being ur HP, they have faults and they will let you down, people cannot meet my insessant demands). Im obsessed, cant eat, cant sleep, but i love the thrill and the chase. Im plotting, scheming on how to get this guy. I will use all my womanly charms. I get the guy, I hook him in, we connect on a superficial level e.g sex and then suprise suprise i freak, cos i cannot do intamacy, what does this person want from me? Committment? No thanks!! I got what I needed, ur job is done. good bye!! The buzz has gone and im off searching for the next "hit". Selfish to the core. What about peoples feelings? In that moment I dont care cos its all about me. I thank God I am no longer like this, although the capacity is still there!!
It took me 2 years in recovery to get a handle on this behaviour and a further 3 getting to the exact nature of what it was all about. I found this out through the steps and sharing with a sponsor.
food, shopping, exercise, sex, work, etc... I have done it all in recovery. I would not change it cos its been my experience. I have not recovered in 5 minutes and I certainly had high expections on myself in terms of recovery. I have spent a life time behaving in a certain way, mainly defined by the characteristics of being an addict. Learning a new way to live takes time, effort and committment. Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes i make that mistake a few times until i go, that is insane!! Why am i doing the same thing expecting it to be different.
My experience is this: when it hurts enough, i hit bottom, surrender and allow the principles of this programme and a HP guide me to something different, but i need to get outta the way.
When i was first around that could take quite some time, now with time and experience behind me the time i am willing to suffer becomes a lot shorter and i get out of the way that little bit faster.
For me, it comes down to this. The nature of my disease. That void that you talked about that no person, place or thing can fill. Oh they can temporarily, but i will always want more, i will never be satisfied with what i have and that thing in the corner over there will look bigger, better, brighter and I will want it. when I get it i will see that I was better with what I had before but now its too late.
The solution: Faith in a HP, to restore me to sanity and to do for me in that moment what I cannot do for myself.
Somedays I get it, some days I dont, but i know one thing: as long as i do not pick up, i have a chance for something diffeent than what I have had and the ability to make amends when i have done something that I really should not have.
LnF
Vicki C
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Everything we know is subject to revision, especially what we know about the truth!!
It means I better associate with other people, the literature, the steps, a sponsor, journaling, and anything else that helps me cope without drugs. All.... let me repaet that....ALL....one more time, cause I'm one of those addicts that don't listen.... ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of those things listed are higher powers in some way shape or form. Step two doesn't mention Gawd God, Jesus, Budda, or any other religious ICON once. Now I can thank the GOD I understand in the third step that I didn't have to believe in a "god" in the second, just that there were things outside of me that could help me stay clean. I still believe in the second step, even when my faith waivers in a spiritual being. I can always fall back on meetings, the literature, people in the program, a sponsor, ...... what a gift. I have a saftey net in step two, for step 3.....
BEAUTIFUL !!!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
