well I just got a phone call from a friend I used to use with crying begging me for help...and right now I do NOT know what to do, I told her to start going to meetings. She said that she has called every where today trying to find help...But being a Sunday evening most meetings are already over! She asked me if I would start going with her to the meetings and help her get some help! Thats where I dont know what to do, I want to help her but do not know how. So if anyone has any advice please help!
It's great that you want to help she sees you staying clean so thats the first way your helping her your showing her it can be done.
Maybe just help with putting a meeting schedule together with her and tell her she needs to go to those meetings and get help thru the groups.
Also she needs to read the literature and understand what she's up against you need the higher hand ( and higher power)on addiction sometimes understanding ourselves brings about great breakthru's.
If it seems like she wants you to carry her everywhere then make it clear that she has to put the effort out for her recovery it's not your job you are there to support her she's the one who has to do the work involved and there is work involved it doesn't always come by osmosis.
One very important thing I learned in recovery is it's a we thing, my advice would be bring an addict with some good recovery and clean time with you to help your friend, dont go alone. It's great that your friend is reaching out to you , and your a true friend for wanting to help. But Vini is right it's really up to your friend to get active in there own recovery. I have seen so many people come into the rooms with a friend and it seams they have less of a chance than if they come in alone scared and broken. I have also seen a lot of people go out with there friends, sometimes if one cant do it they fail together because they lean on each other rather than the fellowship for support. I have no idea how much clean time you have but my experience when I tried to save my friend from treatment was extremely painful, always remember your recovery comes first in spite of how much you care for this friend. They told me when I was hurting and trying to save my friend that a sick mind cant heal a sick mind.
I gave up trying to save my friends and started saving my own butt, can't help those who don't want help or are in denial of a problem.
If a friend came to me for help I give them directions and support what they need to do try not to get involved in the outcome and definetly dont feed into any old behavior of co signing BS
Well Thanks everyone for the great advice, I know right now im not strong enough to help her. I like what Sandra said, "One sick mind..cannot heal another sick mind" and lastnight I told her I couldnt help her because she has to help herself. Ive always been told that Recovery is a very selfish process. So all I can do is pray for her! Just like me, sober....there isnt a better person you'd want to be around, she's a wonderful mother and I just want her to see there is hope!
One of our Just For Today affirmations say something along the lines: "Just for today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear."
In my struggles with early recovery, many a times, I have visited my using pals, or called them or took calls from them, or met them by accident somewhere, and these moments were exactly the ones that put my staying clean in danger. Some of these times, I have ended up using too, either with them or doing it alone after I have just met them, sometimes, a day or two or even a week later after meeting them.
This JFT affirmation made me realize that, if I have to stop using and stay stopped, I need to give my using friends a break, completely... for my own good. Of course a few of them were good friends of mine, still are (two out of those three friends are in recovery today), and many times, I thought that it is really rude to avoid them completely, what would they think and feel if I do that and so on... But I realized that they cannot be more important than my own safety and my recovery (my living or dying depended on it) and that only when I'm ok, healthy and in recovery can I ever have a healthy friendship at all... It was hard to dissociate from these using friends in the beginning, but I realized that it was more harder when I put myself in danger and end up in a relapse if I give in to my urges to meet them or have a chat with them.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
So instead, I started making meetings, getting members' phone numbers, checking out what the members are upto and trying to be a part of their outings and spending as much time with them as possible. It was very difficult to establish new relationships with NA members, and most of my first few months, I did not even know what to say or how to talk wtih them. But they seemed to understand that part, and accepted it as a normal state of being as they all felt the same way too when they were newcomers. Out of these days and weeks and months and years of striving to form relationships in NA, I'm gifted with many wonderful friendships in my life today. And most of all, these new associations kept me away from using and thought me that I don't need to get high to enjoy a movie or to read a book or to listen to music or to socialize. I learnt clean fun in a way that I have never experienced before.
Interestingly, later on in my recovery, I found out that many of these so-called friends were actually just using associates, and once drugs, the common bond was taken out of the situation, there was nothing left in these friendships... and that they did not have what I needed the most for my life ~ recovery.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
If I really admit and accept the fact that I'm powerless over my addiction, I wouldn't be there seeing these friends, sitting at a using place, or even casually chatting with them on the phone... When I was doing one of these things, I realized that actually I'm still claiming that I'm powerful over addiction and that I can manage my life, that I can still control my addiction, and that's a dangerous state of mind to be in, in my experience, a direct defiance to and a complete rejection of the first step...
Even today, when I happen to meet one of my using associates somewhere, I don't even stand there with them for a two-minute chat. I just tell them to come for a meeting or give them a meeting list, and tell them that they can meet me there if they want to see me... and as for seeing my using friends as a part of carrying the message, only now lately, I started doing that, but with the help of two or three more members with me, never alone...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thank you so much Tahir for your advice. I need some help learning how to deal with things and the advice you've given me really hits home. My using friends are my weakness and I am slowing learning to deal with that. I feel like I can save everyone, or atleast try too. So now im trying to learn how to fix me and let everyone else fix themself, because if the shoe was on the other foot.....id still be helping myself! Thru my addiction I learned you dont have any "real" friends....at the time you thought they were "true" to you, all you have in common is getting a fix...or trying to figure out how to get your next fix! Cause now that im sober and trying to help myself. Ive noticed I have NO ONE..But myself and my family!! And slowing I am starting to learn how to cope with that! Thanks again Tahir for your great advice and hope to learn more and more from this group as time goes by!
Thank you too Kara for sharing your recovery with me. WE CAN.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
