Hello everyone my name is Kevin and I am a drug addict. I am a newcomer to this forum. With the crazy schedules I work, at least I can get some sort of support. Today was one of those days where I was trying REALLY, REALLY hard to convince myself it's OK to take just 2 percocets. It was a constant battle with my brain and my body all day long. Well when I was over and done with I didn't do it. I have been clean and sober since 12-01-06, yep I just got my 4 month coin. Never in a million years did I think I could be clean that long. Thank god for my support system. Anyway, I hope I didn't bore you guys to death. Thanks for letting me share.
Well there ya go Kevin..... Ya made it through one ove those I can be normal moments! Congrats! They can be tough, and guess what, the longer you stay clean, the less frequent they become.
I was told early on that there is an obsession (I HAVE to use) and a compulsion( the ritual of feeding the obsession) that makes it really tough to clean up and stay that way. In readinmg your post, I was reminded of being at about 4 months and having these serious hardcore sugar cravings, and I didn't get it. SO I asked others about it until I found out that between my drug use and alcohol use I was used to certain amounts of sugar in my system, and therefore had to eat lots of cake....LOL.....
Point being, it was uncomfortable until someone else said, oh man, thats as normal for people like us as the sun rising. Its not the fact that we have those cravings, or the want of being "normal", its the choices we make based on those feelings. Feelings aren't fact, but they damn sure can warp our thinking if we let them. On top of that, I wasn't used to feeling, and still struggle with it some now!
Anyway bro, couple of suggestions.... Keep on the step work, and remember that moment that got you in here. I still have a green moment that says to me JAil, cracked skull, paper gown, and lowlife. Don't gotta live that way, just for today.
Peace out
Brett
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
Hi Kevin and welcome to the board add this to your support system.
First things I look at when I feel like using are Am I hungry am I angry and I lonely or tired i'm usually one or more of those things.
And sometimes I just want to check out, of daily life and feel nothing but the buzz so isolation is another thing using did for me becuae I seldom used with others towards the end of my drug use, it was no longer a PARTY.
CONGRATULATIONS on your 4 months clean hang on to that it gets better and it gets easier... as long as you work the program.
WOW!! Man you guys are great. Just reading your responses to my post yesterday really helped me out alot. There are still ALOT of things I still am struggling with. Such as, not being able to hang out with my friends anymore. One just called me yesterday and said come on out, he goes on to say "I know your clean and sober know so I won't smoke pot or snort oxies in front of you." They just don't understand. If I know it's there I will be ingesting it one way or another. Anyway, thanks again for letting me share. Peace and Love. Kevin.
Hello Kevin, welcome to Miracles In Progress Family. Glad we have you here with us. Congratulations on the big 4 miraculous of recovery. Way to go. Keep the miracle alive. I'm Tahir, a grateful recovering addict from India.
Keep coming back, we need you.
Hugs, Love & Light.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
One of our Just For Today affirmations say something along the lines: "Just for today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear."
In my struggles with early recovery, many a times, I have visited my using pals, or called them or took calls from them, or met them by accident somewhere, and these moments were exactly the ones that put my staying clean in danger. Some of these times, I have ended up using too, either with them or doing it alone after I have just met them, sometimes, a day or two or even a week later after meeting them.
This affirmation made me realize that, if I have to stop using and stay stopped, I need to give my using friends a break, completely... for my own good. Of course a few of them were good friends of mine, still are (two out of those three friends are in recovery today), and many times, I thought that is really rude to avoid them completely, what would they think and feel if I do that and so on... But I realized that they cannot be more important than my own safety and my recovery (my living or dying depended on it) and that only when I'm ok, healthy and in recovery can I ever have a healthy friendship at all... It was hard to dissociate from these using friends in the beginning, but I realized that it was more harder when I put myself in danger and end up in a relapse if I give in to my urges to meet them or have a chat with them.
So instead, I started making meetings, getting members' phone numbers, checking out what the members are upto and trying to be a part of their evenings and spending time with them. It was very difficult to establish new relationships with NA members, and most of my first few months, I did not even know what to say or how to talk wtih them. But they seemed to understand that part, and accepted it as a normal state of being as they all felt the same way too when they were newcomers. Out of this days and weeks and months and years of hardwork, many wonderful friendships have been gifted in my life today. And most of all, these new associations kept me away from using and thought me that I don't need to get high to enjoy a movie or to read a book or to listen to music or to socialize. I learnt clean fun in a way that I have never experienced before.
Interestingly, later on in my recovery, I found out that many of these so-called friends were actually just using associates, and once drugs, the common bond was taken out of the situation, there was nothing left in these friendships...
To cut it all short, if I really admit and accept the fact that I'm powerless over my addiction, I wouldn't be there seeing these friends, sitting at a using place, or even casually chatting with them on the phone... When I was doing one of these things, I realized that actually I'm still claiming that I'm powerful over addiction and that I can manage my life, that I can still control my addiction, and that's a dangerous state of mind to be in, a defiance to and a rejection of the first step...
Even today, when I happen to meet one of my using associates somewhere, I don't even stand there with them for a two-minute chat. I just give them a meeting list, and tell them that they can meet me there if they want to see me... and as for seeing my using friends as a part of carrying the message, only now lately, I started doing that, but with the help of two or three more members with me, not alone...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
