I had ten years and got all crazy on Vicodin. I can't imagine life without it now, this is very hard. Can't believe I'm back to day one again. At least I did it this time without heroin and bank robberies.
I was in the middle of the hood where I used to cop dope at, I had to ask myself today Do I still need that stuff to change how I feel, do I want the stuff that changes me into something I hate, can I love myself enough today not to use and harm myself? and i drove away clean, drug dealers all over the streets right there where i was working.
We don't need the stuff if our heads are in a better place get your head right and it will get easier.
Bless you all this weekend I have to go away for a few days.
I had the same situation as you and savagebeauty also. Came to NA to get off the illegal street drug that I was addicted to. Kicked, came out of the fog, got clean, started recovery process, life was good. fast forward 8+ years, I got involved with career, family, community, church, etc all good things, except I drifted away from NA and eventually used, then due to an injury I got on Vikes, then changed to more potent forms of same drug, and stayed on them for 5+ years. I hate hydro, it's poison for many addicts.
But glad your back now, willing and ready to be clean. I had to realize that recovery is not only about measuring myself on the calendar of success. Yes accumulated time means something, but when we fall down we just start the calendar again, the sooner the better, So again, I'm glad your here for me. Welcome.
Dusktodawn, you are not alone. Losing that much clean time is a kick in the gut. I had 12 years clean until last spring and relapsed. I last used in November and have 109 days today. On November 29th, I was on day one and felt just like what you are expressing. The first two months were very hard, but I got through it by doing a 90/90, getting a new sponsor and calling her every day, using my phone list and working Step One. If you use the tools, just for today, the days will add up and you will be free from active addiction again. Pray for the obsession to be removed and work on your faith and you will be okay.
