Becky Hi and glad you came for some support welcome to the board.

Here is what I found for you. Sometimes our own best thinking isn't the one we should follow, you made a few comments about being afraid of certain things, I understand that but you may be in a situation where you can't stop this on your own self will and planning, we have a tendency to deceive ourselves sorry to say that, it's time to get really honest about your situation and it may be severe.

Here is what chapter 10 says about what your going thru

This is a program of total abstinence, however, there are times, such as in cases of health problems involving surgery and/or extreme physical injury, when medication may be valid. This does not constitute a license to use. There is no safe use of drugs for us. Our bodies don't know the difference between drugs prescribed by a physician for pain and drugs "prescribed by ourselves" to get high. As addicts our skill at self-deception will be at a peak in such a situation. Often our minds will even manufacture additional pain as an excuse to use. Turning it over to our Higher Power and getting the support of our sponsor and other members can help prevent us from being our own worst enemies. Being alone during such times would give our disease too much leeway to take over. Honest sharing can dispel our fears of relapse. Serious illness or surgery can present particular problems for us.

 Physicians should have specific knowledge of our addiction. Remember that we-not our doctor-are ultimately responsible for the risk we expose ourselves to. To minimize the danger there are a few specific options that we may consider. These are using local anesthesia, avoiding our drug of choice, if any, stopping while we are still hurting, and spending extra days in the hospital in case withdrawal occurs.

Heres the link to that
http://www.earthgroupna.org/literature/basictext/chapterten.htm

You should get honest with your spouse you are not responsible for him staying sober thats his job, your going to need support and need to make some meetings so he needs to watch the baby while you go out and get some help and support, he needs to know why and whats going on with you , not good keeping secrets from everybody, eventually if you dont get this handled it's not going to remain a secret anyhow.

This is a program of spiritual principles, Honesty, openmindedness and willingness, there are changes that have to be made come to terms with, and theres a loving higher power out there to help you thru this.

Thankyou for coming here for support and we really need you new comers it keeps us and others lives in perspective, sometimes we forget where we came from and what it was like.

Before I relapsed this last time which was about 6-1/2 months ago I had some years put together clean but when I quit using that time I had seizures for at least 3 days coming down off cocaine and alcohol, I was sick for a week, I wasn't well physically well for several months I nearly died, overdosed 3 times that year ended up in the hospital it was horrible it was hard at first but i knew i had no other choice available to me it was either clean up or die, glad you have chosen to live Becky now get to it do what needs to be done you can , I did others here have.

Hi Becky, welcome to MIP, a place that has so many people with so much experience and strength to share with you, you have found your way here for a good reason. I can't even believe how many people share our problem, addiction is such a cunning disease, but I am looking in the mirror when I read your story. You are not alone, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Opiates, especially when offered to you by a doctor, paid for by insurance, delivered by a sterile pharmacist, and offered with no real warnning of addiction from you doctor are probably the biggest and most decieving addiction of hard working over achieving, great mothers who carry a humungus (sp) load and can't get everything done without a little help. 6 years ago I started at 5/500 then moved to 7.5/750, always 1-2 a day, and then onto 10-15 10/325 a day. The more I tride to control it, the more it presented itself to me. My partner is a junky more to the magnitude of 200$ heroin habit per day, so after struggling with his addiction in our family, holding it all together, wearing my look good mask and harboring many resentments, I was not able to be pacified by my pill availability and I ran out and felt sick withdrawal and insane I started hunting down remnants of lol my arch enemy heroin. Got a little of that into my system, 1 use and knew I was skimming the brink of self destruction. I am a scientist and well respected at my kids school, considered one of those people who is a strong goddess who can juggle a million things with ease, while the truth is I was insane, depressed, consumed by the micromanagement of those f@%#*in pills, in denial, becoming spiritualy devoid and hiding from the world more and more. I think, and I don't know if your husband is working a program, but there is no one who can understand more the suffering of an addict than someone who has experienced it themself, another addict. I have been honest with my doctors, friends, partner who is currently in a sober living house and didn't relapse w/ the news. What scares the shit out of me is I am in debilatating pain from progressed fybromyalgia, so even my pain specialist who is all for my recovery and knows it is a major component of my physical healing, offers me opiates for pain, although he wants to do it with a very rigid safety net involved. Yesterday when I had the appointment I have waited for forever and was again told there was no emmediate relief in times of flare ups other than opiates, I came home with 11 days clean for the 4th time, curled in a ball of agony and cried until I fell asleep. I do have hope though, I have enough NA in me that I will never go back to where I was before I admited the extent of my disease. I feel as long as I am first honest with myself and then with my support group, I can somehow do this, and going to meetingsand praying gives me relief everyday from compulsive thougts, having a sponsor ensures that I never have to make a decision alone if I don't trust myself, and working the steps is revealing to me who I truly am and how I fool myself. You will get through this if you truly want it, so I send you my blessings and I am glad you are here. Hang in there, this hard time will pass.