I have shared this many times, but it does not get an easier. My friend is dying, she has terminal cancer. The cancer has spead to her brain.
She has choose to fight. Chemo and Radition. The dr's said that she would have maybe 6 months to a year. She is in horrible pain. I would not have choosen this way.
I have to apply my steps to this. I am poweless over her decision. I am able to show up for her. I go to the dr with her, chemo, and radition. I watch as posion is put in her body. I know that it won't be long before her God calls her home.
My friends are in denial about this. My one friend says that God will cure her. There is no hope for a cure. That was made clearly by three onconlogists. Another friend brought this man to the hospital. He told Velvet that his son was cured by this one dr'. He was misinformed and caused harm. When we went to the dr Velvet asked me to ask them about this dr. The dr's told us that he was a pediatric nero surgen and dealt with brain cancer 1st stage, not the secondary cancer that she has. She began to cry, I saw the hope go from her face. While I understand people may have the best intentions, misinformation causes harm.
Velvet knows that the cancer will end her life. She told me she choose the treatment because she has not made up everything to her son. She has this idea that he does not forgive her. Her family and I have spoken and her son has told her that indeed he does forgive her. We have had the death talk, the funeral arrangement talk, and the terminal cancer talk. I just do not know how to bring up hospice. It's not my choice, and I want it to be so badly. It hurts to see the friend that I love in so much pain. When the pain first came she refused the medication because she was afraid. Finally after we read the In times of Illness IP, she agreed to take the medication. Even with high doses of these mediactions she is still in pain.
I was wondering if anyone had experience with a terminal cancer paitent. I know that I am powerless, but I also want to be informed of every option.
If it was not for NA I would not be able to show up for her. I am grateful for that. I know if I were using my best intentions would fall by the wayside. I would be out looking to fix my own sickness and would never make it to show up. Today I do not have to live like that. Today through the grace of the God of my understanding, I do not have to wake up dope sick.
I am grateful to NA for giving me my life back and putting Velvet in my life.
It is never easy or emotionally or even spiritually comfortable for me to see someone else close to me in pain. I haven't had a direct experience with a terminal patient, but when i first got clean, i met a man named Mike W.
Mike W. was a catholic, and had been through the wringer of drugs and alchohol as a radio DJ, among other things. By the time i met him, and in the stage I was in my recovery, I saw him as an old codger and a nusciance. The only time i ever spoke to him was about god, and I cant even remember what he told me, but it pissed me off so bad, i never spoke to him again. There is a point to this, I swear.....
I was about one year clean when he got sick with cancer.... I only heard bits and pieces, but he fought to the very end and he died clean and sober. As i look back on my memories of that man, he has become an icon to me of what I can go through and still not have to go back to the life I left behind when I started to get my proverbial act together. I regret the fact that I never got close enough to a man that represents to me what its all about in this program...meeting life on life's terms, and going down swinging, not bowing out like a coward at trials and tribulations, even when its imment death at the end.
So my opinion of what you said is this..... it hurts, it sucks, its not fair, but you are close to a person that has the inner peace and strength that I hope to one day have. Cherish the fact and be honored that you are fortunate enough to be involved in that persons life. No regrets, and be there for her like shes been there for you. I can't think of anything greater than that, man......
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Faith: the substance of things hoped for, the belief in things unseen
I yet to experience this. I have lost friends to addiction one very close friend and brother who fought like hell for sobriety and could never find it and lost after 5 years clean to overdose another who had her head blown off by a drug dealer, we were lovers at one time.
Both times it hurt especially with my friend Johnny, I still miss him after 10 years now I still think of him when i'm down because the last time i saw him he hugged me and told me he loved me and i couldn't respond because i was loaded , but I haven't forgot, he is my light inside that shines when i'm down because I hear his laugh, the laugh of an insane man that used to crack me up, when i'm down I smile because of him his spirit is my strength.
We can draw something from those who are gone, it's amazing the support your giving your friend Donna I admire you greatly.
donna , brett , and bv, thank you so much for sharing , i am touched by the friendship you and your friend have, she is really lucky to have such a good and caring friend as you. most of us don't have that in our lives. that is truely a blessing that you two found each other.
your shares have made me realize just how fragile our time here on earth is and the gifts we are given , even if at the time the burden of them are hard. the hug of a dear friend, the wisdom of a serene man, and the strength of a true friendship, thank you . peggy
I feel so blessed and grateful right now that I read all the posts on this thread. Thanks family, for sharing all this. I needed to hear it all, as my father is also battling cancer now. Also, my wife fell ill pretty seriously lately, and my fears ran havoc in the beginning, before I came back to my calm mode with the help of the Steps and my Higher Power, and stopped reacting to the situation with fear and panic, and instead, started RESPONDING as my Higher Power would want me to, following my Higher Power's direction constantly. I have never felt so close and intimate to my Higher Power before, except after my last relapse when I started cleaning up again. I really had to dust up my program thru being forced to fall back to the first three steps, steps six, seven and eleven, on my knees, with all humility. It was a humbling experience, and also made me realize, as Peggy shared, how important every moment in the here and now is, and how our fragile lives can abruptly end. I have learned to value my time with my dad, how precious every moment of togetherness with my wife is, how I sometimes waste away my time and my life thru apathy and procrastination, and miss out on what my Higher Power has in store for me, what my Higher Power has sent me here, into creation for... to love and to be loved...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thank you so much for posting this. Last night I was at a meeting with a friend that is recovering from Brest cancer, I have tried to be there for her through her journey . I just lost it last night she broke down and we cried together, I feel so much empathy for her and I dont know how to not take it all on and be strong for her. It's just that for 2 weeks now I feel like I have been trying to convince her that she should continue to live. I'm so afraid she will take her own life. She had her Brest removed in Nov. and feels like a freak because of it, I cant even imagine the pain she feels and I cant relate to what she is going through, I just try to love her the best I can. Once again I see I'm not alone , thank you for sharing your experience with me.
Wonderful you are supporting her wecan, Let her know other women are living with masdectomys she needs to get in touch with them for support, my Grandmother had it done years and years ago and she has lived a very full and busy life, she's going on 86 now I believe.
Tahir hang in there brother, get thru all this without using sounds like your doing just that and getting even more .
when i was 8 months old,,, my grandpa,,(pa's pa!!) held me close and called my name as he died of stomach cancer !!! Back in 1961,,, any kind of cure was unheard of,,, did I space out on his pain ?
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I was an oncology nurse for many years, probably the most rewarding nursing job i have ever done. Do not afraid to bring up hospice, with her and her doctors. They can do some much and your friend can be on hospice for up to a year. One of the biggest things I always asked family members and friends was Have You given they permission to go, In anothers die.. The Human psyche had such a need to be needed that we at times have to be given permission to die. Believe me your friends knows she is dying it just sounds like she had not come to terms with it. IF there is anything I can do feel free to email me Your friend in recovery Cheryelle B
Thank you so much for your information. We have talked to the Dr's about hospice care. The both told me that they don't feel it is in oder right now, that they have treatment. I asked if it would make her get better. The anwser was no. It is a teaching hospital and I wonder.
Velvet and I has the the talk yesterday at chemo. I told her the options. She told me she was not ready to give up. She has admitted she is dying, but wants to buy more time. It is very hard to watch. She is in so much pain. Tumors in her brain make her heade hurt, and her lungs are shot. To many tumors to count. They are giving her chemo no because one tumor had gotten so big that it is pressing on her rib cage.
It's funny ( actually sad) she has been smoking because of the stress. I was a nag when she was first diagnosed, and now I'm like what does it matter.
I admire her strength, she wants to hang on and fight. We have been through this together every step of the way. I am her rep when her sister can't be. I am honored. She is on enough pain medication to kill a horse, and yet she still hurts. I just don't want to see her suffer, but that is not my choice. That is the hardest part.
I'm sorry for you and your friend. This is a rather old post but I can't help but to think that she has chosen to stay around as long as she possibly can because she needs to make peace with some things in her life before she goes. She knows it's her last chance to do so. Her suffering is hard on you, of course it is. When our loved ones suffer sometimes we feel like we're suffering more from their pain then they are. Despite her suffering she feels she needs to stay, whatever her reasons may be, obviously it means a lot to her. I hope it's not from false hope of recovery. In any case, she'll let go when she's ready.
I'm sorry for your pain. I still haven't recovered from the loss of a loved one just this past January. When I'm on my deathbed my last thoughts will be of her.
I just re-read my post and it sounds like I'm lecturing. I'm sorry if I came off a bit harsh. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Death is such a sensitive area. I don't know what the situation is now but you sounded like you were in agony over your friend and I was trying to give you a little peace of mind. There is little peace of mind to be had in this situation but anyway........
