Mountain-sized problems do happen sometimes in my recovery, but most of the times, it is me who magnifies these problems to such a magnitude thru the manifestation of my defects like fear, worry, paranoia, obsession, pessimism, codependency etc.
It is only thru the application of the principles of the program that I am, if at all, able to bring them back to their original size, severity or the lack of it... by putting back these problems, crises, losses, grief, failures into their proper perspectives thru the eyes of the Steps, and with the help and care of my Higher Power...
Adversity and hardship that I encounter in my life sometimes, is not what seems as huge and impossible as a mountain for me, but it is the way I react to these situations, the defects that I act out on, which makes it so very difficult, if not impossible, for me to respond, not react, at such times...
But I have to admit that most of the times, I am unable to escape from my defects and do blow situations out of proportion. It is when I am not able to bear the agony and the resulting even-more-chaotic worsening of the situation no more, that I eventually seek a way out, to get out of that miseable state, by reaching out to my Sponsor and the fellowship, the NA program and my Higher Power, and thus fall back into the solution by using all that I picked up and continue to pick up from the program, thereby liberating myself from the self-imposed chains of limitations and to breathe free again.
Sometimes, rarely though, I indeed am able to feel the liberating bliss of living the program in such seemingly disastrous situations, that calm in the middle of the storm. At such moments, I feel clearly the presence of a Power beyond my own, beyond my human comprehension, enveloping me with peace... From there, when I look at the crisis I would be going through, it merely appeared as something that needed to be understood, more than feared, and I realized that my Higher Power not only gives me such situations, but if I seek, also supplies me with the hope, the strength and the courage I need to face it all and to deal with it, until the crisis passes...
I yearn for such experiences, everyday. Once having tasted, having experienced such moments of peace, inspite of my sickness, I find it more difficult to deny the program or my Higher Power from working in my recovery today. I know for sure now, that the NA program does deliver what is promised ~ the spiritual awakening... But sadly, I also found that it can as well be easily lost too. Having this disease of addiction which is progressive in nature, subtle and cunning in nature, it is very easy for me to fall back to my old ways... relapse mentally, emotionally and spiritually. When such days go by, in my recovery, the warning "If I don't use what I have, I will lose what I have" rings loud and clear in my head, and the undeniable miracles of recovery that I have experienced before in my recovery prompt me into action again, to get back to the basics, and to do again for today, what I probably did when I was a few days clean, what I did when I first took a Sponsor and worked the Steps, desperate to recover, as if my life depended on it, and yes, it sure does... JUST FOR TODAY!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
"If I don't use what I have, I will lose what I have"
Man thats one thing I grab hold of when life stuff gets overwhelming.
Good to know i'm doing something right
I had such a disappointing thing happen today something that this contractor license thing was all about, I was totally let down and got so discouraged , guess what pops into my head? yep GET LOADED, RUN, HIDE get rid of this feeling inside and i immediately went into prayer and thanks for just what I have and for what i've done thus far .
I just didn't want to not blow it up into something it's not and that is, it's not more important then my sobriety, serenity and peace of mind.
"most of the times, it is me who magnifies these problems to such a magnitude thru the manifestation of my defects like fear, worry, paranoia, obsession, pessimism, codependency etc. "
I came in here tonight feeling bad, I am a sometimes lurker here on these boards. I was feeling sideways and couldn't shake the blues I've been in all day, wife came home from a double shift at the hospital dead tired with no energy to talk, she went out like a light. I couldn't sleep, so I clicked on the puter and for some reason end up here on these boards [not something I normally do] then I find this post. [Thanks Tahir]
I've only been clean a year but am not a stranger to the steps or the program [I'm a retread] I haven't felt this way in years, in fact I've been saying ever since that I've been back that I feel lucky because most days I feel great and things are going smooth in my life. I know it wont always be that way though. I am reminded how I felt my first time around, I know this ugly feeling, I dont like it, it's been years since I felt it. I too know that it is I who magnifies my fears. I somehow worked myself into a state of paranoia, a state I haven't been in for years. I dont like it. I know it will pass, and I have been noticing that I am a tad more sensitive to emotions and feelings lately, I wondered if it is because of this thorough 4th step I have been working on which has brought some issues up to surface that I had stuffed away safely inside me for a while. Who knows? Work has been stressful and a chain of disappointing events has happened this week, today it took a toll on me. I related to what BigV stated, for a brief moment I thought how drugs might make me feel better, even if only for a moment to get out of how I felt, but I know better than to react to my first thought.
I read...
"But I have to admit that most of the times, I am unable to escape from my defects and do blow situations out of proportion. It is when I am not able to bear the agony and the resulting even-more-chaotic worsening of the situation no more, that I eventually seek a way out, to get out of that miseable state, by reaching out to my Sponsor and the fellowship, the NA program and my Higher Power, and thus fall back into the solution by using all that I picked up and continue to pick up from the program, thereby liberating myself from the self-imposed chains of limitations and to breathe free again. "
I know that is the solution, I tried calling a few addicts tonight, but didn't connect. I was alone with my daughter tonight and debated weather to step out for a few hours for a meeting, feeling guilty because I've been out of town so much the last few months, I stayed home with her, I later wished I had gone to the meeting that had already ended. Now I cant wait for my Saturday morning meeting to roll around in a few hours, I'm sure I'll find some comfort there.
So I did like BigV said, I pray and seek guidance and direction from a higher power and be thankful what for I have even though I dont feel in the most grateful and spiritual state right now, I know it will pass. When it gets like this I recall the many detoxes I have went through, while kicking I just kept telling myself, "eventually this will pass hang in there one more hour" I sorta feel that way right now, all I know how to do right now is pray for this to pass.
It felt good just being here in an atmosphere of recovery, reading what others are doing, knowing I'm not alone. I got some hope and felt better reading your posts and sharing how I feel.
Welcome to Miracles In Progress Group of NA. Thank you for sharing with us. Keep coming back, we need you.
Isn't that amazing? I just read a share from another member at the other online 12 step fellowship that I'm a part of too, and reading that share gave me a whole new perspective on an issue that has been annoying me from a long time now in my relationship with my spouse. I was amazed that the issue could also be looked at from that perspective after reading that share. So grateful to that member that she shared a woman's perspective, enlightening me to that part of my spouse that otherwise would have never penetrated a man's mind
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
