Hey everyone, I was looking around to see if there were any NA forums and finally found this one.
I am newly clean, it's been about 35 days or so, although it seems like it's been a thousand years.
I have been having a tough time the last few days or so, and really wanted to see if anyone could help me out. I have been trying to meet more people at the meetings , but I'm having a really hard time talking to people and sharing at tables more than a minute, so I wanted to come on here to say some stuff.
The last few days I've felt so empty. It just feels like there is a huge void in me that drugs used to fill. And I just feel like an empty shell. Everyone says that all these feelings are going to come rushing back in, but I'm not feeling anything. Just empty, depressed and detached. It seems like i've been trying to fill teh void with other stuff ( like drinking 10 energy drinks a day) or just trying anything to fill the empty void I feel.
I've also have become obsessed with drugs. I know it sounds weird, but the 10 years I was using I never really cared about drugs, I just used them. Now I find myself looking up and reading all about drugs on the internet, and going and renting drug movies, such as spun and requiem for a dream, it's so bizarre. And I'm finding myself wishing that I did certain drugs that I've never done. It's so messed up, and messing with my mind.
The cravings are really driving me crazy too, Idon't know if it's so much a craving for opiates, but just a craving to get high off anything.
Sorry for rambling, i've just been having a tough time, and just looking for some help. I know that I don't want to ever use again, but it's like then I start worrying and being pissed about having to go to meetings the rest of my life, and forget about the horrible withdrawals and how bad I wanted to stop before rehab, and now I have the ability to stop, but it seems like i'm messing it up or something.
Sorry for going so long, I honestly don't even know what I'm asking, so many questions lol
Hi welcome to MIP and congratulations on 35 days clean. I have to say what your going through right now is normal we all came here lost and empty, all I can say is dont pick up and it will get better. Romancing the idea of getting high is one of the things they taught me in treatment to not do , it's just making it harder. So maybe put away the movies and try spending your time obsessing about recovery try reading the posts here, get a basic text and read that. There is so much to learn in this program. You have taken the first step putting down the dope, do yourself a favor and give recovery a chance . The rewards are amazing!
So glad you found us here, please keep coming back
Congrats on the days you've put together but your about to possibly lose all that.
Get into this program it will change how you look at all of this and your actions.
Sandra is right your romancing the drug use probably because you miss it and like you said a few times feel empty inside.
It's time to start filling that emptyness with this program , the drugs use is only a symptom of much deeper problems .
Quote from step one worksheet which I would like you to take a look at and start doing some work with.
From that standpoint, addiction is a disease of attitudes, personality & a general negative outlook that is rooted in fear, insecurity & low self-esteem. The main ingredients of addiction are obsession & compulsions. Obsession - that fixed idea that takes us back time & time again to our particular drug, or some substitute (anything that makes us feel good & offers instant gratification, such as money, power, sex, food, anger) to recapture the ease & comfort we once knew. Compulsion - once having started the process with one fix, one pill, one drink or one substitute, we cannot stop through our own power of will. Because of our physical sensitivity to drugs & anything that makes us feel good, we are completely in the grip of a destructive power greater than ourselves.
Heres the link to go to and start working on this stuff do this rather then what your doing now.
Congratulations on your clean time! Each day clean is a miracle. From my experience, early is recovery isn't easy and it does not feel good, but as the saying goes, "my worst day clean beats my best day using". Some suggestions given to me when I first came to NA were make 90 meetings in 90 days, get a home group, get phone numbers & USE them, get a sponsor & do service work. Reading literature (in particularly the free pamphlets you can get at meetings and when I could afford them a Just For Today meditation book & a Basic Text) really helped me & saying the Serenity Prayer over & over again. Having s sponsor has played a tremendous part in me staying clean. My sponsor help me learn how to pray, because I didn't know how & didn't even know what I was praying to, I was just really angry when I got here. It just kinda started with "Please help me stay clean today," the Serenity Prayer, & a thank you at night. I have been so fortunate to have had two wonderful sponsors. Reaching out for help, like you are doing through this forum, telling on your disease, is really important. I was always told. "Get connected to stay protected." When thoughts of drugs or using came to me early on, I would read literature, go to a meeting or call someone. By the the grace of my higher power, I have been able to stay clean a day at a time. This program has changed my life. Just remember when you can't believe, believe that WE believe. Hold on, the desire to use will pass.
one day at a time, it is POSSIBLE, that we can start to feel that gaping hole get smaller and smaller, until we don't notice it anymore. By way of recovery and changing ourselves and our lives and our associations, we begin to function on a whole different level than how we used to.. that obsession and dreaming and planning and thinking and wondering and LIVING for drugs. Other things begin to take the place of the time spent obsessing.
This is a disease of isolation. Through contact with recovering people, we begin to break down the walls of isolation. Albeit painful at first, it opens up a whole new world where we get to a point where we are not even concerned about using scenarios any longer. It is so ture, my friend, this really works.
But I will have to say that it takes TIME. We did not become the obsessed broken souls we are when we come in OVERNIGHT, and it will take some time to walk far enough away from the old life to where it doesn't plague our very consciousness any longer. We need people, and we need a Higher Power. Obsession is all we know, until we let someone in to show us differently.
Keep going to meetings and doing what is suggested. One day, if you can make it one day at a time, (and you already have, 35 times, right?) one day... you will ask yourself, "Gosh, how long has it been since I though about using?" And you will not be able to remember when the last time was that you obsessed so, and like me, you will fall sideways with gratitude, and you will realize it is really working.
We had to keep using for the insanity to creep up on us in the way that it did. We must keep walking the other way for the serenity to come, too. But it will.
There is not a person here , I don't think, who hasn't felt the utter hopelessness and lack of control, the guilt, the remorse and the devastation of addiction. But eveyone here is living proof of a what lies behind a door you have already opened. Come inside and stay!! We have been waiting for you!!
Welcome home to Miracles In Progress. Glad you found us. So true that as soon as we stop using, we are overwhelmed with an intense feeling of loneliness. It was very difficult for me to cope with it too, almost for my first 3 months clean. Everyday, I felt so empty and depressed that I wanted to use. The more I dwelled in this void I felt, the more I fell into selective thinking by indulging in thoughts associated with pleasures of using. My reservations about not having used certain drugs reared their ugly head. I badly wanted to stay clean but. I knew in my heart that if I use, I will never get to have a go at staying clean again. I had hit my bottom then, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was really scared that I might end up using as I was aware very well then that these are symptoms that indicate that I wanted to use again, inspite of my desire to stay clean. Using against my will. That is how I understood my powerlessness. That I cannot stop using, that I just cannot stay clean. I truly admitted the fact that I had no will-power or self-control to stop or stay stopped. That I can end up using any moment, no matter how determined I might be to stay stopped. Now, if I cannot stop using or stay stopped, then what do I do?
When I honestly admitted that I, by myself, am powerless over my using, only then was I able to open my mind to a Power greater than me and my addiction that could keep me clean, if I sought that Power. I became willing to do so, as the pain of not using seemed more appealing to me than the pain of using. I dragged myself to a meeting everyday, even though I hated it sometimes. I wanted to go meet my using friends and use, but instead went to a meeting. Shared that I feel like using and that I hate to be here in a meeting, but still, I was in a meeting instead of my connection and sharing that. I started praying, talking and co-operating with this Power greater than me. I was willing enough to try to allow this Power to work on me. I made a big effort to open my mind and listen to what others were sharing at these meetings, just like I was openminded to try out some stupid junk just because a junkie recommended it while using. I started going to meetings, sometimes, walking distances of many miles as I did not have money. When I could do anything to get my drug, travel to other towns for a hit, whether there was a storm blowing out or even if I did not have a penny, or beg or borrow or steal for my drug, why shouldn't I do the same to stay clean and make the meetings no matter what?
I took a Sponsor and worked my First Step. Doing so gave me the permission for the first time in my life to not use. I was liberated when I started living this Step. I moved on to my Second Step and so on... I read NA literature almost everyday to gain more deeper insights and awareness by relating with what I read and meditating on it. Today, I realize clearly that the drugs were not my problem. The problem was ME. I have a disease of addiction, that affects me physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually. This disease is progressive, incurable and fatal, if not arrested one day at a time. I need a daily program of recovery (living the Steps) to arrest this disease from exploding. I had to let go of my obsession towards drugs or drug related thoughts and fantasies, I had to not act out in compulsion. I had to break my walls of denial that convince me every now and then that it's ok to sit in a bar or to hang out with my using friends. I have to stop trying to fill my void with addictive behavior, be it with drugs or food or compulsive spending or controlling relationships... This void I feel, I realized, can only be filled with the love of my Higher Power, by working the Steps, by living them, and experiencing the freedom of recovery, the love and care of my Higher Power, my conscious contact with my Higher Power is what removes this void within me today.
It's a process, one day at a time, but it is possible. We are all an undeniable proof of this miracle called NA.
-- Edited by Tahir at 07:43, 2007-01-31
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
And yes, congratulations on 40 plus (by now I guess) miracles. Way to go. Keep coming back, It Works!
Beachgirl, welcome home to MIP. Glad we have you here.
NA Hugs and Fellowship Love ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
