Then he said to them all: Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.Luke 9:23-24 NIV

I live in the world of recovery, it is a place that can often times be misunderstood, because it is often confused and just lumped into a category of addiction. However they are at best polar opposites. Abstaining from using or feeding your addiction with alternative medications should never be confused for recovery! In the same sense, because a person is in treatment and and using medication to cope with not using their addictive drug of choice, does not qualify as recovery. Neither does abstaining; I need to be clear here, these are both steps to be applauded, yet they should never be confused with recovery! After living 38 years in active addiction, I came to an eye opening revelation! The whole notion of recovery was hard for me. The whole idea of admitting I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable hard. Believing that what had driven me to the brink of insanity, could be controlled and managed by a power greater than myself, and it would also restore my sanity; even harder for me. Yet the hardest part for me was turning over my will and my life to the care of God as I understood Him. I was conflicted by the question that many people ask.

Why did God allow all these bad things to happen? I did not want to seem selfish so I made it about the world, hunger, poverty and disease. Why didn't God come down and do something about it? It was that question that finally after years of playing church, led me to a spiritual enlightened awaking with my higher power which I choose to call Jesus Christ. I did not do this because of my up bringing in the church, in fact it was quite the opposite. I chose Jesus because he gave me the choice! To put it in recovery terms He solved my HOW! 

The hardest part for me had been turning over my will to the care of God as I understood Him. In recovery some of the key spiritual principles are honesty, open mindedness and willingness! HOW? One day I stumbled upon this in the bible:

Then he said to them all: Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.

Honesty - did I really want to do this the way Jesus was going to teach me?

Open mindedness- could I actually pick up my cross or burdens and do the things asked of me every day? 

Willingness- finally was I willing to surrender my life in order to save it?

The decision to do this has not been an easy one but it has taught me somethings about myself along the way, I really have a life to show up with,when called upon, I can be a dad, I can be a friend , I can be in a committed and honest relationship and that in all of these I can love and be loved for the whole me, past and all! Today I have a Pastor and I have a Sponsor they have both without them knowing, been saying something to me that is finally sinking in! If this is worth doing, finish what you start! I am determined to do just that. I have been  calling my sponsor for thirty days in a row, for over five months now. I had to start overtime after time but I am encouraged; he has not quit on me nor I on him! So you see the whole recovery and higher power delimma has worked itself out through the HOW! What was once the hardest part for me has become easy because my higher power gave me a choice! I do this willingly because I am grateful for my recovery! So I live in the world of recovery and I work in the world of addiction. I remain open to every experience between the two worlds, it is where I reach out to others sometimes to give a hand and sometimes to accept one. I have learned to embrace what was once the hardest part for me and I am encouraged! Besides I knew the life of recovery would be difficult when I took it! Funny  I wouldn't trade it today for any other life; what I am learning as I now sponsor others; like the disciples of Jesus then, I didn't just choose Him, He chose me! I am built to carry my cross! The hardest part for me has been made much easier in this acceptance!